In Need of Saving?
by Casyn
Summary: The first war ends, he is heartbroken and grieving. But mostly, he is blaming himself, for many deaths, and slowly self destructing. Will someone help him? Or is he finally beyond help? Rate T for Self Injury, although non-graphic, and perhaps language. AU and non-canon complaint.
1. Hurt

A/N_-_ _Obviously, I do not own the characters portrayed here. This story is situated a few years after the end of the first wizarding world. This may or may not just be a one shot, depending entirely on whether my muse wants to save h__im. This story will contain mostly non-graphic self injury, but will mostly deal with the emotions and turmoil of those who do self injury. This is your first and only warning. Thanks~ Case._

He stalked through the castle, with his black robe billowing around him. His pale white skin was a stark contrast to his greasy black hair and his sharp, onyx eyes. Those eyes were void of all emotion, his face looked aged, tired. Students jumped out of his way as he swept through the halls. Colleagues eyed him with concern and worry. He was young still, the youngest on staff, but he seemed so old in these moments, frighteningly so. As the young, dark man stalked toward the dungeons, eyes followed him. To him, it felt like the very walls of this god-forsaken place was watching him. He just did not realize how close to right that he was.

"Headmaster, that...boy seems off. I followed him as requested. I do not trust him. He will turn on you." The man who spoke was not really a man at all, not any more at least. He moved about in his frame, watching the current Headmaster, who did not bother looking up from his parchment. "Thank you, Basil." "Dumbledore, really. The scoundrel was trouble during his school years! He is not old enough to teach!" The portrait of the dead headmaster advised, albeit a bit harshly. "Enough. He is intelligent and talented. His age is not important, he is far more mature than most of his peers were and he is also the youngest Potions Master currently living, if not in all of history. I will not hear another word on the subject." Albus Dumbledore looked up from his desk and turned his piercing blue eyes onto the portrait. "Do try not to harm him, Albus." Another portrait remarked quietly. Albus toward him and sighed. "I do not plan to harm him, Phineas. Rather, I wish to help him. He has been here for over a year now, and he has said little. He does not speak with the other Professors unless he has to, and although he takes good care of his house, he is distant and harsh to all others. I fear that we might lose Severus, for he is so withdrawn into himself." Albus frowned, the twinkle in his pale blue eyes diminishing just slightly. His potions master was a bit of a problem. But what to do, what to do? "What do you plan to do about him Albus?" "That is the question, isn't it?" He replied, putting aside his parchment and strolling from the room.

"May I help you, Headmaster?" The young, dark haired man looked up from where he was marking essays to the man standing, uninvited, in his doorway. "Good afternoon Severus. I just wanted to see how you were doing." Albus replied pleasantly, watching the younger man closely. Severus' skin was paler than usual and the boy was skinny, too skinny. The dark circles under his eyes marked his weariness even as his eyebrow rose sharply. "I am fine, Headmaster." "I'm sure that you are, Severus. However, as Headmaster it is my job to make sure my professors are well." Albus remarked, eyes twinkling. Severus bit back a retort. _Why can't the meddling fool just leave me alone? It's not as if he actually cares._ "If there is nothing else, Headmaster..." Severus glared. Albus hesitated. The young potion master did not make his task any easier, but he had known that. "Very well, Severus. I shall leave you to your marking. I do, however, expect to see you in the Great Hall tonight and at all meals from here on out." Albus replied finally, leaving in a swish of robes, gone as quickly as he had appeared. Severus groaned and flicked his wand. The door slammed shut and locked, before the younger man dropped his head into his hands, vowing to keep as far away from the older wizard as possible. It would not do if he suspected anything wrong with the Slytherin. It just would not do.

Albus watched the dark haired Slytherin out of the corner of his eye, listening intently to Minerva on his right. He watched as the younger man picked at his food and pushed it around, before glancing around quickly. He caught Albus' eye and quickly ate a forkful. Albus turned his gaze back to the witch, frowning at the flicker he caught. He glanced back at Severus and quirked an eyebrow but said nothing. There was no food remaining in front of the younger man. Albus gave the tiniest nod, conceding defeat briefly, and the younger man disappeared from the table and stalked out the door. "He's still grieving for her, isn't he Albus?" The woman asked quietly. Two others, a short wizard, Filius, and a stout woman, Pomona, lean in to hear his reply. "I do believe so, Minerva." He replied gravely, having watched the retreating back of his Potions Master. "It was almost two years ago Albus! The deaths were tragic, for sure, but he cannot just waste away because of it." Pomona murmured. "I will take care of Severus, Pomona. I am sure he will be fine." Albus sighed, rubbing his forehead. He had a headache coming on and the term had just started a few weeks prior! If the year kept up this pace, he would have to consider investing in headache reliever! He innerly chuckled but his expression remained quite serious. "Not if he returned to certain habits from his school years." Filius muttered. Three pairs of eyes flashed toward him. "Might I ask what you mean, Filius?" Minerva asked quietly. "I'm quite sure that you know exactly what I mean." Filius replied, glancing at Albus. Albus sighed, shaking his head. "He won't. Severus is not the same person that he use to be." But even to himself, he did not sound sure. "Be that as it may, but habits die hard Albus. He's been through a lot. It stands to reason that he might turn back that way."Filius retorted, albeit respectfully. " He would not. And if he does, I will handle it." Albus frowned, his tone firm. The subject was closed. Supposedly. "Yes, because that worked so well the first time." Minerva muttered under her breath. Albus' eyes snapped to her and she had the decency to flush a little before looking away.

Unknown to the Albus, but that was exactly what his potions master was doing, locked in his personal quarters with a ward that would cause even the headmaster to pause briefly. He had started back over the summer, when he was locked away in his lab except for sleeping, which he rarely did. The knife he held in his hand was reserved for this purpose and this purpose alone. It was the same knife he had kept from the headmaster when he was a teenager, although, that really was not so long ago. Old habits die hard, and this was not exactly an old habit. It was an addiction, one of the worst sorts. He needed the pain to survive. He deserved the pain. It was his fault. It would always be his fault. He needed to be punished. He was guilty. He had innocent blood on his hands, figuratively at least. For Severus had not killed her; he had not personally killed anyone. Perhaps his potions were used to torture and kill, but he was never present. He did not like killing, the taking of life was just a bit unnerving to him. But here he was, knife in hand. In one swift movement, he placed yet another cut on his upper arm, where no one would see, and finally set the blade down. With that one last cut, he fell into bed, exhausted, and sleep quickly took over him.


	2. Take Me Away

_A/N- And so it continues. I still don't own. This one is slightly more detailed about Severus' contunied self harm. Never fear, it will probably get better in the end. But it has to become worse first. I would also like to say something here. This piece might not make sense to those who have not self harmed, for Severus' rational is not always exceedingly logical to someone who is not addicted to the release of pain-relieving chemicals into their brain that makes them feel light and better. The fact that his harm is increasing is also normal for a self harmer, for someone who suddenly realizes that once is just not enough for the same feeling. And with that bit of insight I leave you to this new chapter. Enjoy. (And reviews make me upload faster!) ~Case_

When Severus woke, several hours later, he felt refreshed, better than he had in quite a while. Of course, he had not been doing _that_ regularly, just on the occasional off day. _Amazing. The pain actually drives away the nightmares. Hm. That is something to look into._ He winced when he rolled over, his arm still tender and painful from the release of the night before. He still needed to clean and dress the wounds before he had to start teaching those idiotic dunderheads. It was the most that he had slept in months, even though, according to his muggle clock, it was only half past six. That in itself was an achievement. _If it causes deep sleep, then perhaps that would be something to experiment with. That would get the old fool off my back._ Smirking at his thoughts he stood and started to prepare for the day ahead. Before he left his quarters he stopped and picked up the knife that was lying beside his bed. He quickly tucked it back into a drawer and headed off to check that the lab was ready for the day's lessons.

And so the week passed by. Severus started to regularly take a knife to his skin. The dark circles under his eyes faded, although he grew paler and thinner by the passing days. He felt watched when his was outside his quarters and not in his office or the potions lab, so he stayed in his office as much as possible. He still had to tend to his snakes and he still had to patrol some nights, but he did try to avoid being outside the dungeons as much as possible. For he hated being watched. He did know that the headmaster was not aware of his _methods_ or he would have already addressed them. He was still showing up for breakfast and dinner, as mandated by the old coot, but he was not eating very much. He had never had much of an appetite but it had gotten worse over the years, to the point that many of his colleagues were whispering that he was starving himself. He ignore them, of course. That was, until the evening of a very bad day. Two minor potions accidents, thankfully he had managed to stop an explosion, a fight _within_ the Slytherin common room, and a pile of tests and essays to mark did not make Severus a very happy man. He was stressed and tired. He needed energy and he was a bit angry at his students. But he could not, and did not want to, take that anger out on the foolish teenagers. So before dinner that night, he found himself in his heavily warded off pressing his knife into his calf. A half-dozen red lines later and he was cleaning and dressing the wounds. With a glance at the time he cursed. He would be late to dinner and the old coot would notice. He wrapped his hand around the blade without thinking, his worry and anger went away as the cool blade bit into his palm. He quickly healed the wound to not draw attention and headed to the Great Hall.

Dinner that night taught Severus something new. He was energized and _hungry._ For the first time in years he cleared his plate by eating and not by magic. He felt Albus glance at him and looked up from his plate to see the look of approval that the headmaster gave him. He smirked and turned his attention back to his plated. While doing so, he noticed that two of his colleagues were also glancing at him. One Filius, the Charms professor and his fellow head of house. His gaze was thoughtful, calculating. Severus turned away from him and glanced at the woman who watched him. The pestering mediwitch, whom he held great respect for and even liked sometimes, when she was not forcing him onto a bed, was watching him with a bit of hidden concern. She smiled at him before turning back to her own conversation. That was the first night that he started to handle his eating problems. He was still using his methods to sleep every night. Now his methods were being employed twice a day. And no one was the wiser. Or so he thought.

"Severus is eating again." The tiny wizard sat comfortably in the large chair across from the headmaster. "I noticed, Filius. He also seems to be sleeping. This is a good development." Albus nodded, gazing at the other man. "Are you still watching him Albus? I do believe that he has caught on to that fact." Filius asked quietly. "I am. I am just not sure exactly what to do. He _appears_ to be getting better. Perhaps he is." Albus sighed, gazing into his fire for a moment. He wished he could believe that but he knew the young man well. He was still withdrawn and sullen, even more so lately and he seemed to be falling into a pattern that Albus had noticed once before. "Or perhaps he is getting worse. I remember when our potions master was fifteen and came back from a rather harsh summer with his father. If I remember correctly, he struggled to eat and was exhausted for a long period of time before he suddenly started to appear healthy. I think we both know what caused that." Filius remarked quietly, hoping he was wrong but knowing that he was not. "He also had a potions addiction, hard to fuel when you are underage but much easier when you are the potions master. How can I help him if he does not come to me? Can I just sit by and watch him harm himself again? The last time I tried to help him, he joined Voldemort. But perhaps I was not really helping. I did not stop the bullying that caused his pain. I merely forced an end to his relief." The twinkle in his eye was gone, the concern evident on his face. "You tried to be his friend Albus. But perhaps that is not what Severus needs. Perhaps he needs a father figure. You cannot wait for him to come to you. You must go to him." Filius replied, wise as ever. "I know Filius. But it is not that simple with Severus. Nothing ever is. I will give him a week. If nothing changed, I will go to him and he will listen this time."

At that moment, in his quarters, the man they spoke of was rapidly slicing into his thigh. Beside him laid an unopened bottle of firewiskey. He vanished it without a second thought. This feeling was much better than any drink would ever be and it did not have the downside of leaving him hungover come morning. With his method he could check on his snakes still and do his duties without being inebriated. Otherwise, Minerva would yell at him for drinking again, like she had the previous year, and as much as he respect her, all his colleagues really, he did not want another tongue lashing from that woman. He wanted this release. As long as no one found out about his methods he was good. It was all that was anchoring him to reality anymore. And he needed it. He just, needed it.


	3. Suffocating Right

_A/N- I still do not own. This starts out a bit different than usual. Just go with it. _

After he had turned to his new release, the days started to go by faster. He was not really happier, per-say, but perhaps he was a bit more calm, a little less stress. Perhaps he had control of his life again and perhaps he could sit through dinner without wanting to be sick or sleep through the night without nightmares. There were moments, of course, when he doubted his sanity, but the moments when he longed for the blade were much greater. For over the days he had started to need his release much more, in greater doses and then more often. One slash let to ten now, and it still did not feel like enough. But he justified it. He deserved the pain and pain helped him to function. He had found certain places were it drove him to distraction during his lessons, so he avoided them. The places, not the teaching. He still had to teach. Five days a week, several classes a day. Scared first years, idiot fourth years, and his favourite seventh years. That was his best class, those who were smart enough and cared enough about potions, who were at the stage of starting to do research and experimenting, although still closely watched. His seventh year class was much more relaxed than his first years, but then they were not complete dunderheads. He would not mind teaching so much if potions were not so volatile and if his students actually cared. He actually liked some of his Slytherins, although some of them reminded him way too much of his own youth, of his home life. He did not pity them, of course not. But he did offer them help and a listening ear, or at least he tried to. He wasn't one to comfort and coddle, but he would not let his students go through the first few weeks of classes with broken ribs. He had found, his first year teaching, that while Slughorn had ignored the abused ones, it did not necessarily mean that they were not there. But he was not always sure how to help them, for if he went to Dumbledore, the man might start meddling in _his_ life again. It was a choice then. His students safety and well-being or his privacy. He could not decide, would not decide, right now. He did not trust Albus very much, respected him yes, but he did not trust him. Not yet. And he doubted that he would. _After all, I am in his service for eternity. There are months until summer holidays. MONTHS! I will deal with it later. Not now._ His thoughts, however, did not make him feel any less guilty. But should he just help them out of guilt? Or because he cared? Because although he was beginning to care, dealing with _ those_ types of children brought back bad memories. With a deep breath, he raked the blade down his calf. He held his breath briefly, as the blade dug into his skin before releasing it, and with it his pain. With the first gash, his hand made fast work of the rest of his calf, before dropping the knife and tending gently to his wounds. The pain helped. It cleared his head, although he still felt guilty, he just did not know what to do. And the blade, the blade was his safety net. It was keeping him tethered here, so that he could help his Slytherins, if only he was strong enough. Once his calf was cleaned and set to healing, the muggle way of course, he cleaned up his mess and left his quarters, headed toward the Great Hall, for breakfast.

Albus frowned, his piercing eyes focusing, subtly, on the dark young man who pushed around his breakfast restlessly. He caught Severus' eye and raised an eyebrow. The younger man looked down at his plate and bit back a growl, taking a careful bite of food. He was not hungry this morning, even with the pain in his leg. His stomach felt knotted and the smell of food made he want to be sick. He glared at the old man, waited until he turned away and silently vanished his meal before taking a careful sip of his tea. Albus sighed, turning to look at Severus again. This time he gave a small dismissal nod, watching as the young man stood and headed toward the door. He was about to turn back to his conversation when the younger man accidentally knocked his leg into a table and gave the tiniest wince. Severus made it out of the hall without further incident and hoped to god that no one saw his barely suppressed pain. God, that hurt. Badly. And he could feel the blood starting to drip down his leg. He cursed softly and hurried on his way.

"Albus.." He glanced at the smaller man and sighed. "I saw Filius, I saw." He replied just as quietly. "That is the confirmation you were waiting for, but what do you plan do to?" Filius frowned, eyebrows drawn in thought. "I plan to offer him a choice Filius. I am not sure what he will choose just yet. Either way, I will not lose Severus again."

"Please do not force his hand, Albus. Losing Severus would be disastrous, for both him and you." Filius sighed, setting his fork down.

Albus did not respond, there was no need to, for he could hear the truth in those words. Sometimes Filius could seem a bit omniscient; perhaps he was. But Albus knew that was rather unlikely. Filius was merely observant, although perhaps that was the same. He knew what he had to do but he hoped that Severus would listen to him. For otherwise he would have to make a choice, a choice that he knew would make Severus unhappy. Perhaps he would even hate Albus for it. But he was not going to lose the child again. Screw the Greater Good; it had nothing to do with that and despite what Severus believed, he did not _own_ him. To him, Severus was not a pawn to be played with and tossed away as he say fit. Definitely not. Albus would do what he had to, whatever it took, as long as it helped the younger man.

Severus, meanwhile, paced around his classroom, watching the third year Ravenclaw/Hufflepuff group closely. This was not an extremely worrisome group, as both houses worked peacefully together and most of the third years present had some sense of intelligence. He did, however, watch a few of the Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws very closely. Two of the Ravenclaws and a Hufflepuff were pranksters, which did not bode well when mixed with volatile potions. Another Hufflepuff and, surprisingly, a Ravenclaw were disastrous as potions. To the point where, after two years, he had found a way to ward their cauldrons without affecting the potions that there were creating, so that the explosion was contained to just the cauldron. Admittedly, it did not work for all potions and he still had to erect a shield around the students, but if he did not notice it in time, although he always did, the blast would be neither deadly or damaging. He swooped around the room, glancing into cauldrons and muttering bits of advice and criticism to the students. He paused near the Ravenclaw girl, frowning as her potion turn a very disturbing colour of yellow. "Miss Makins, what on earth did you add to your potion? This is a simple headache potion, it should not be yellow, rather a light blue at this stage." The girl started, having not noticed him. "Nothing P-professor. Just what it said." She replied, glancing back at the board and then down at her ingredients. Never in his life had he seen a headache made so wrong. He frowned down at the ingredients and, with a grimace, waved his wand, vanishing the poisonous draft. "Miss Makins, I want three feet on the differences of Black Hellebore and Guarana, ways to distinguish between them, and the properties of each on my desk by Monday. Clean up your station and wash your hands well, you foolish girl." He sneered before continuing on. He had silently scanned her to make sure that she had not managed to drip the potion onto herself, for the results would have been deadly, but not instantaneous. An agonizingly painful death and there would have been little that could have been done unless they could have found a counter for the potion. He might not like all of his students, but he would not wish death on any of them. By the time he dismissed them, he had a headache. Ironic. He summoned one from his stores and sank down into his chair. The stabbing pain in his leg caused him to grimace but otherwise he merely ignored it. He deserved it, and he knew it. If he was a better teacher, then perhaps one of his students would not have mixed up Hellebore and Guarana, which looked _distinctly_ different. It was his fault, of course it was. And although he would have loved to have been able to talk about that heart stopping moment when he realized precisely what the child had done, he could not. Instead he glanced at the clock and drifted into his quarters, locking and warding them before taking his blade to his shoulder and other calf. He was careful this time, thankfully, but it served its purpose. Although he still did not feel great, the pressure relieved itself momentarily. He savored the feel of the release, not know that this might be his last.

_**A/N- **_Guarana is a plant that can be used for headache relief. Black Hellebore is extremely poisonous. Also, I am aware that I always end with Severus turning to his _release_. There is, perhaps, a very good reason for that. Sorry for the semi- cliffhanger. But that's to make me write faster. 


	4. It Ends Tonight

A/N- _Do not own. If it is in italics, it is thoughts. Sorry this took so long. Reviews help my muse. _

_-x-x-x-x-_

Severus groaned in frustration. The potion that he was attempting to brew, in the wee hours of the morning, was not turning out well. Perhaps it was still salvageable. With that thought, he quickly diced fennel, slowly adding it into the simmering cauldron. The potion slowly settled down, finally turning the right shade of red. This was an experiment, of course, one that seemed to have succeeded. About damn time. He quickly noted down the changes that he had made, marking down a few thoughts that might improve the brewing process and that might help stabilize the potion better. He bottled the potion, marking it and setting it aside to be tested. He leaned back, briefly rubbing his painful shoulder, before settling the cauldron into the sink and quickly scrubbing it. He quickly finished cleaning and warding his lab, before heading back into his bedroom and crashing onto his bed. He loved late night brewing. It was very...relaxing. Not that he deserved to be able to relax, of course. But it was the principle of the matter.

Albus paced his office, deep in thought. He knew that he needed to speak with Severus, and soon, but the young man was being very elusive. Every time he tried to bridge a conversation with him, Severus would find some excuse to disappear. He was very close to calling the boy to his office. Unfortunately, as soon as Severus heard precisely what Albus wanted to discuss he would bolt. Although a few good warding and locking charms might keep him here, it would not go very well. Perhaps it would be best to visit the boy in his personal quarters...Yes, that would work quite nicely.

Severus groaned, rolling over. It was Saturday morning and someone was knocking on his door. He opened his eyes, glancing at the time piece beside his bed. It was just after eleven in the morning. A long, late night of brewing had caused him to sleep much later than was normal .He grimaced, stumbled out of bed and threw on his trousers, shirt and robes. "Alright, alright. I'm coming." He growled, striding toward the door as the knocking started up once more. He threw open the door to reveal a smiling, twinkling old man. He was tempted, _very_ tempted, to slam the door in his face. "Headmaster." He growled.

"Good morning my boy." Albus chimed brightly. "Might I come in?" It wasn't really a request. Albus was going to talk to the younger man, whether Severus liked it or not. He leveled his piercing gaze at the younger man, observing his every movement. Severus growled under his breath, but stepped aside so that the Headmaster could come into the spacious living quarters. Besides the kitchenette, with its table and chairs, was a living room with a worn down comfortable couch and two just as battered armchairs. Shelves covered the walls, groaning under the weight of too many books and a corner cabinet housed the more volatile potions, his experiments and his personal stock of potions.

Albus took in the appearance of the younger man, as Severus waved him toward one of the armchairs. He was limping, favouring his left leg, but it was so slight that Albus could easily have missed it. His movements were a bit stiff, guarded; his eyes darker and more closed-off than normal. "To what do I owe the pleasure, Headmaster?" The sarcasm was evident in the question as was the glare that Severus was directing at him. Albus sighed, steeling himself for the argument ahead. "I am concerned about you, my boy." Severus hid a grimace. _Dammit._ "There is no need to be, Headmaster."

"Oh? I believe that there is." Albus replied, the twinkle gone from his eyes. This never became easier. Even after years of these types of conversations, the tough talks, it was never easier to approach one of his students, or one of his teachers, for something so difficult. Especially with someone as difficult to deal with as Severus was. Perhaps the best way was not to dance around the subject but to confront him. "I know you have been hurting yourself son, and I want to help you. This cannot, will not, continue." Severus froze, the tiniest spark of fear showing in his eyes before changing to show anger. He glared at Albus, an angry scowl on his face. "I have no idea what you are talking about Headmaster. Do not accuse me of something so primitive." He snarled. "Is that so, my boy? Would you mind removing your robe then? I do not want to fight with you Severus. I have failed you before, but I will not fail you again." Albus replied sternly, watching the younger man. The anger radiated off of Severus. For a man with nothing to hide, he surely was not acting like it. "I am fine, Headmaster." Severus snapped, standing suddenly. He strode to the door and stormed out of the room, letting the door slam behind him. Albus raised an eyebrow with a small chuckle. A moment later, Severus stormed back into his quarters, glaring at the man and holding the door open. "Get out."

"No Severus. I am not leaving." Albus sighed. Severus slammed the door again and started pacing restlessly the room. Albus merely watched him, letting him mull over the situation. Severus stopped pacing suddenly and turned to sneer at Albus. "What do you want?" Albus merely gestured to the chair that Severus had vacated. Severus grumbled but sat back down, glaring across to the old man. "I want to help you, Severus. I am willing to give you a choice in the matter, a few options to choose from, but you will be getting help. I cannot allow you to continue to harm yourself." "Then fire me. You do not control me, Albus." Severus spat. "No, I do not. Nor am I trying to control you, my boy. I will not fire you. That would be counter-productive. At least while you are at Hogwarts, I can help you. If you were to leave Hogwarts, however, I would have no choice but to report your mental instability." Albus replied quietly, watching for the younger man's reaction. Severus did not disappoint, but then he never does. The younger man's scowl darkened and his eyes took on a look of loathing. If a glare had power, he would have been, at the very least, thrown across the room. "I have a few options for you, son. You might not like any of them, but you will choose one. If you do not, I will choose for you." He sighed, hardening his resolve to do this. The boy needed help, desperately. He would not, could not, lose the younger man. Not again. "Very well. Might I inquire as to what these options consist of, Headmaster? Severus voice sounded like steel and it took all of his control not to lash out at the older man. "Ah yes. The first of these, is that you move into the Hospital wing so that Poppy can keep an eye on you and -" "Absolutely not! I will not deal with that overbearing woman!" Severus interrupted furiously. He could not handle Poppy. Dealing with her had been harder when he was younger and Albus had sent him to her. He had seen how hurt she was, this woman that he respected a great deal and that had helped him when he was severely injured. He could not let her see him so broken, not again. Albus gave a small nod, he had expected that reaction after all. "Please do not interrupt me again Severus. Let me finish and then you may share your objections to any of my choices. If you move into one of the secure rooms in the hospital wing, you will also have to speak with a professional mind-healer. All of these options involve mind-healers, as speaking to a healer is not optional at this point. Understood?" Albus paused, watching him over the top of his spectacles. Severus' expression was stony and blank but the young man gave a curt nod.

"Good. The second option is having you take the rest of the term, and as long as necessary, off and enter into a treatment facility." Severus opened his mouth to object but Albus held up his hand. "Let me finish please. Your last option is a bit more restrictive but it does insure that you stay at Hogwarts and that you have at least a sense of privacy. For this option you would end up moving into my guest quarters and staying with me until your healer deems it okay for you to move back to your own quarters. Those are your options." Albus finished, observing the bitter man in front of him. He did not, of course, mention that the young man would be staying where ever he chose for quite a while. It was not just about getting him to stop harming himself, but also to deal with the trauma and stress that drove him to harm himself. That could take a few months, at the least.

They sat in silence for several minutes, as Severus pondered on the unfairness of it all. After a few minutes, he realized that Albus would not leave until he made a choice and he started to brew over those 'choices'. Some choices. Being locked away or watched? What kind of choices were those? And how did the damn old fool find out? Albus' quiet, calm demeanor was also starting to get on his last nerve. He just wanted his blade. How ironic. None of these options pleased him, but he knew he must make a choice, and soon. _Hm. So to stay with the woman and let her mother me to death? Or to be locked in a facility without any rights and with complete strangers? What to do, what to do. Of course, I could always stay temporarily with Albus. After all, he has to let me return to the lab to brew and to my office. Which means...yes, that would work well. What he doesn't know, will not hurt him. _Severus mulled in over, forming a slightly brilliant plan in his mind. But first a question. "If I stay at Hogwarts, will I be allowed to brew?" Albus hesitated. "If you stay in the hospital wing, no. However, if you stay in my quarters it can be arranged." Severus gave a small nod. He needed his brewing. There really was no choice then. "Fine Albus. I have made my decision."

"Oh? What would that be Severus?" Albus asked quietly, although he already had a good idea which option the boy would choose. "I will...stay with you." Severus muttered. "Good, good. I will have the house elves set up the guest room for your use. Pack your things and have a house elf bring it to my quarters. I expect you to be in my office at two o'clock." Albus ordered sternly. He tapped the coffee table with his wand and a tray of food appeared. "As you have missed lunch, I expect you to eat this before coming to my quarters. We will discuss the details at two." Albus stood and stepped toward the door, stopping briefly to squeeze Severus' shoulder. "I will not fail you again, son." With that last parting remark, Albus strode from the room, heading quickly back to his quarters. He had to call the elves and floo the healer; they needed to get the wards up in Severus' new room before the man arrived and they also had to make them so that he could not break those wards. Otherwise, the only real option was a secure, heavily warded room in a facility or the hospital wing, where the young man would not be able to harm himself, even if he tried.

As soon as Albus had left, Severus slung his plate across the room. As it smashed into the wall, another plate appeared on the table. Damn elves. He stormed into his bedroom and threw open his wardrobe, tossing his clothes into his old trunk. He stopped suddenly, breathing heavily and sagged against the wall. This could not be happening. It felt like the world was ending around him. He did not want help, even is a small, a very small, part of him knew that he really needed help. He just did not want it. What he wanted was his blade. With that last thought, he yanked open his drawer and pulled out his knife. He quickly removed his robe, pushing his trousers as far up as they would go before digging said knife into his skin. He took a deep breath and sliced across his thigh. His body slowly started to relax and he added several more slashes across his leg before clean the knife and placing it gently in the bottom of his trunk. What Albus knew would not hurt him. Because although he knew that he would not be able to deceive the old man for long, he was not thinking clearly. He needed it, so badly, and that was all he could focus on. His great need for his blade, for the pain. Because he deserved it. He knew he did.


	5. If I Fall

A/N: _Why yes, it has been a while. But I'm a graduating senior. And I graduate in two weeks! Yes, freaking out a bit. So instead of writing my German paper for my seminar class, I wrote this. It is longer than normal and not completely from Severus' point of view. Welcome Healer Rainwater, and wish his luck. Please review! It helps me know how I'm doing. Also, if you haven't caught it yet, there is a theme to the seemingly random chapter titles! First one to figure it out gets a cookie. _ As always, thoughts are in italics.

-x-

"Taking care of this young man will not be easy, Albus. He will probably fight you every step of the way. Once he realizes that his rooms are completely warded against self injury, he will most likely try to harm himself somewhere else. I will still need to speak with him to assess where we stand and how far we have to go." The man leaned back in his chair, looking across at Albus. His brown eyes were thoughtful as was his manner.

"I know it will not be easy, Tim. I am also aware that I let it get too far out of hand. I should have taken care of him as a boy, instead of hoping that his head of house would handle it." Albus sighed, gazing out of a window that overlooked the grounds. They were in his personal quarters, where Severus would now be living, having tea before having to handle the younger man. "The blame does not rest solely on you, Albus. Perhaps you could have stopped him or spoken to him sooner, but it also has to do with Severus. It is his choice to harm himself, not yours. I will do my best to help both of you." Tim frowned, contemplating the man in front of him. "It might prove beneficial to bring Filius in at some point, he could be of some help with Severus."

"Severus is a stubborn man. He would not want anyone to know of his troubles, Tim. He did not take it too well that I knew." Albus glanced at the healer, the sparkle gone from his eyes. "They never do. People who are hurting themselves or hiding something never react well when their secret is found out. It is to be expected." Tim merely shrugged, setting his tea down as he glanced at the time piece over the mantle. "It is quarter to two. Shall we head to your office?" He asked quietly. Albus gave a brief nod, just as an elf popped into the room with a trunk. Albus frowned, his elves never looked this upset. "What is wrong, Gigi?" The elf that he had assigned to Severus flinched. "Young master will not eat. Gigi keep replacing his plate but he be angry. Young master be hurt but Gigi did not interfere. Gigi is sorry." The little elf whinged her hands, staring at the floor. "Gigi! It is not your fault. Severus is a bit...difficult. I will handle him, do not worry about him." Albus replied gently. The young elf looked up, her eyes bright. "Thank you, Headmaster Sir! I be liking young master! I's know that you's can take good care of young master!" With that, the elf popped away, taking Severus' trunk to his new quarters. Tim watched the older man carefully to see what his real reaction to this was. Albus visibly faltered, worry lining his face. "Already, he is hurting himself because of me." Tim merely shook his head, opening the door to the stairs down to Albus' office. "It is not because of you, Albus. He would hurt himself anyway. It is the threat of losing control that drove Severus to hurting himself once you left him alone. I'm sure you remember what we discussed earlier?" Albus sighed but nodded, going to sit behind his desk and watching as Tim took one of the other chairs. "To watch him for the first few days and then to talk to him whenever he sets off the wards, or to call you." Tim merely nodded, glancing once more at the clock.

It was quarter after two. He had been standing in front of this gargoyle for almost twenty minutes. His glare, while it did not have any effect on the statute, made his feel much better. He really just wanted to hex something right now and was very glad that he had not run into any students today. All the little brats were outside, playing in the last bit of warm weather, or else hauled up in the library studying. He was not very happy, to say the least. No, Severus Snape was pissed. Beyond pissed. He was furious. _Stupid, old meddling fool! How he managed to find out...This is not worth my time! I cannot live with the old coot. I need my peace. Well, it will just have to do for now. All I have to do is make him believe that I am well. Any healer of his will be easy to fool. Yes, that should work nicely._ Severus flinched when the gargoyle jumped aside, but as no one came down he sighed. He stepped uneasily onto the stairs, for once letting the stairs carry him up. He was in no rush to get to the old man's office. _He better not offer me a lemon drop. I do not believe that I could contain myself if he were to._ He hesitated at the door, raising his hand to knock. He paused, waiting for the old man to call out. When he did not, he finally gave in and knocked. "Enter, Severus."

Albus watched the young man enter his office over steepled hands. "Good of you to decide to join us, my boy." Not that the young man had much choice. If he had not decided to come up when he did, he would have gone down and brought him up himself. "Headmaster." Came the curt reply. Severus' eyes flashed briefly to Tim and he sneered. "Sit down, Severus. Let us talk." Albus' reply was gentle, almost kind. Severus took a step back, but Albus had the forethought to wandlessly and wordlessly lock and ward the door. Severus would not be leaving this office any time soon. ''You have already talked, Headmaster." Severus snarled. This was not part of the plan to prove how well-behaved he could be. "Sit." It was no longer a suggestion and even in his rage, Severus could hear the warning in that single phrase. He scowled before stalking toward the empty chair and dropping gracelessly into it.

Tim watched the younger man with a passive expression. Inside, he was not very pleased by what he was seeing. The young man was extremely thin, his face gaunt and his skin pale. Although his ribcage was not visible through his robes, Tim assumed that without the large robes, he would have been able to count the younger man's ribs through his shirt. Severus had an air of serious depression and anger. The man was hurting much deeper than they had originally thought. Helping him to heal would take a lot of work, if he did not fight them. If the younger man fought them, it would be a difficult journey for all involved. Even if he could help him, he was not sure that the man would never relapse. There was so much anger and pain buried in those eyes. He would need time to work with the young man, to help him work through, and not hide, the troubles of his past. Albus had warned him that the young man might be difficult, but then difficult youth and adults were his specialty. The dark-haired young man was seething with anger with just an edge of pain. He wanted, so desperately, to give him calming magic. But that would not do just yet. He needed to understand what was happening and what was going to happen, without being in a fog of calming magic.

That damn man was staring at him. Had been for a few minutes and it was annoying. Albus could not have gotten a healer who had common sense. This one had eyes with a depth to them and an impressive mental barrier. Not that he tried to break it, of course. But in the two seconds he had met the man's eyes, he had tried to scan his mind. It was very much like trying to scan Albus' mind. The healer's mind was blank, so either he had really strong shields or..._Leave it to Albus to pick a simpleton. Or perhaps he is mental. I always wondered if Albus' mind was blank because he was mental._ He mused silently. He had to take his amusement where he could get it. It was not as if he could get out of this situation, try as he might. Once the old man had an idea stuck in his head, he did not go down easily.

"Severus, this is Healer Tim Rainwater." Albus said calmly, observing both of the men. Severus made a sound that might have passed for a snort in a lesser man. "It is good to meet you, Severus." Tim remarked quietly, watching the younger man. "Oh, spare me." Severus snapped. "Severus." Albus warned quietly. "It is alright Albus. He is angry, that is to be expected. I would be angry too if I was forced into a situation that I did not particularly like." Tim merely shrugged, never taking his eyes off of the younger man. He was angry and he was hurting. Severus was bound to lash out, sooner or later. He rather hoped it was sooner, so that then they could step forward into healing.

"You do not know what I would like!" Severus snapped. "No, I do not. But I do know how difficult it can be to be placed into a situation like this." Tim replied calmly, meeting the younger man's eyes. Severus huffed, glaring at the healer who was too calm for his liking. "I know this will be difficult, Severus. But please, let us help you onto this path of healing. You cannot do this alone, nor will I let you." Albus remarked softly. "There is _nothing_ wrong with me! I am fine, you meddling old fool!" Severus snapped, jumping up. He started pacing violently, agitated. He did not need help. He was fine! Wasn't he? _I do not have a problem. I can control it. And it makes everything better. I do not need to heal. I am FINE! Albus is the one who needs help. He's mental. _

Tim watched the man pace, the wheels seeming to turn in his mind. No doubt he was trying to justify and defend his position to himself. "Severus." The calm, gentle word brought the man to a halt. Severus glared at him, folding his arms across his chest and raising an eyebrow in question. "Please sit down and let us continue on calmly." Tim did not raise his voice nor change his tone. He wanted the man to find calm and comfort in him. The younger man did not need to know, just yet anyway, that he was willing to go toe to toe with him. Tim was not a pushover and his success rate was high, because he cared about his clients and he very rarely had more than one serious patient at a time. Severus was currently that patient and probably would remain that patient for quite a while to come. He had known when he agreed to help Albus that this would not be easy, but he was still a bit surprised at how much hidden pain and anger the young man seemed to hold. Especially toward Albus. Tim gave a small sigh as Severus finally, slowly sat back down, although the younger man did keep glaring at him. "I know that this might not seem ideal at the moment, Severus, but it was your choice to stay with Albus. Now, as your healer, I would like to examine you." Tim remarked softly, steeling himself for the fight that would come.

Severus visually flinched but surprisingly did not argue. He was expecting that, truth be told. Hopefully, the man would just cast a diagnosis charm and leave it at that. "I use both muggle and wizarding methods, and as my magic is much more effective skin to skin, perhaps the hospital wing would be the ideal place to get started." Tim added, when no response came. "I am perfectly fine." Severus snarled. Finally. "I am sure you are, but I would like to check. What kind of healer would I be if I didn't? Besides, it will give us time to get to know each other." _And time for me to assess where you are at, mentally. _Tim thought to himself. Severus growled but otherwise did not argue. There really was no point in arguing anymore. Tim stood, gesturing toward the Floo. "After you." It helped that Albus had set it up so that they would Floo directly into a private, warded room. The only way out, without a Healer, was through the Floo. Severus grumbled, standing stiffly and stalked toward the Floo. He threw in a handful of powder, however before he could say anything, Tim called out, "Hogwarts Infirmary!" For after all, he was not an idiot. Severus scowled and stepped into the green flames. Severus stumbled out of the floo and quickly glanced around. Where was the door? Damn healer.

Tim stepped out automatically behind the young man and placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. The younger man flinched and pulled away. Tim merely sighed, gesturing toward the bed when Severus glared at him and nodding toward a hospital gown. "Everything but your pants please." He ordered quietly, turning around to give the young man some sense of privacy. Severus grimaced, glaring down at the offending piece of fabric. This was _not _ going to go well. At all. He sighed and finally gave in, toeing off his heavy boots. He removed his robe with ease, but hesitated on removing his shirt and trousers. He really was not the comfortable doing so, especially with a healer he did not know. Tim remained where he was, staring at the back wall, listening to the small shuffling of movement behind him. "I know you do not trust me just yet, Severus, but I will not hurt you. We ware not against you, but rather Albus and I want to help you. I am on your side Severus. I just need to know what physical state your body is in so that I know how to help you." He remarked to the wall, before falling silent again. He listened briefly and hid a smile when he heard the sound of a shirt being unbuttoned. Severus' fingers fumbled on the button of his trousers but he managed to kick them off, before slipping on the hospital gown and settling down, in his boxers, on the bed. He grumbled under his breath for a moment before muttering a harsh "Alright." Although it was not really clear what he was responding to, Tim turned around, nodding his approval to the younger man.

It would go easier for both of them if Severus complied and Severus seemed to understand that. "Thank you Severus. Now, I'm going to start was a few diagnostic spells and we'll go from there, alright?" Tim moved slowly, making sure that the young man saw him draw his wand. He waited for Severus slight nod before starting to cast the spells over him. Tim frowned, watching the results appear. He cast a different spell and his frown deepen. "Alright Severus, now I'm going to use a bit of skin to skin magic. Have you ever been healed like that? No? It will tickle a little bit and it does require skin contact. Which means my hands, for example, will need to be on your stomach. Is that alright?" Tim waited, watching the hesitation in the young man's eyes. He could just do a full scan of the younger man by placing a hand on the man's back and the other on his head, but he rather try it this way first. When Severus did not answer for several moments, Tim sighed. "There is another way of skin contact, if it would be more comfortable for you. I will just need to place a hand on your chest and one on your forehead. Would that be better?" Severus hesitated but gave a quick nod. He was not quite comfortable but he could manage with that. "A verbal answer, if you please Severus."

Severus sneered at him, but responded, rather sarcastically, "Yes, sir." Tim merely placed a gentle hand on Severus' forehead and slid his other hand beneath the gown and on the younger man's chest. Everything about the healer was gentle. It was quite vexing, really. A few minutes of silently sending his magic through Severus' body and Tim removed his hands from the younger man.

This part was not going to be easy. Tim knew that. He pulled a chair up next to the bed and studied the young man for a long moment. "Alright Severus, let me tend to your wounds please." He remarked quietly. Severus merely glared at him. "The sooner you let me check them, the sooner you will be out of here." He sighed, making a mental note to speak to Albus about a few things later. Severus grumbled briefly, before moving his left leg closer to Tim. Tim quickly and gently drew Severus' leg onto his lap, ignoring the boy's indignant protest. He allowed his magic to pour over the deep gashes in the young man's calves and thighs, knitting the skin back together. Once the cuts were healed, he summoned a jar of scar reducing cream and rubbed it onto the young man's leg. He quickly did the same to the other leg, before releasing Severus for a brief second. "Arms please." Severus sneered at him but obeyed. He was not in a position to argue, and perhaps if he let the man do as he pleased, he would think that he was healing and would convince Albus that he'd be fine. After finishing with healing the cuts, Tim gestured toward a muggle scale in the corner. Severus obediently stood and stepped onto the scale, glancing at the numbers as Tim slide the marker to the correct weight. He closed his eyes briefly, that would not go over well with Albus. Tim sighed. "188 cm and 53.1 kilos. Alright Severus, you can get dressed." The young man immediately went to do just that.

"He is severely underweight and malnourished, Albus. He needs to gain at least 13 kilos to be near a normal weight. Gaining twenty kilos would be much better for him. He is also close to being anemic. His body cannot make enough iron and it is struggling to replenish blood fast enough. Thankfully, you caught this just in time. If he had gone any longer...well, the damage to his body would have been irreparable. " Tim leaned back into his chair, gazing across at the older man. They were, once again, in Albus' quarters. This time with a silencing spell up, as the young man they were discussing was in the next room, sleeping. "What can we do?" Albus asked quietly, his eyes sad. "Well, let's start with getting him to eat regular meals. A nutrition potion and a supplement potion regime will also help." Tim watched him carefully. He was, after all, Albus' personal healer, and now, apparently, Severus' healer. Albus merely nodded, steepling his hands in thought. "I will not let you do this alone Albus. I am here to help you with Severus. It will be difficult, I warned you it would, but it is doable. He is not too far gone. As far as his mental state, when I was scanning him, I did check his emotions and, although it will be a fight, he can be helped. He just needs to accept it. It does not mean that he will never slip or that he will eventually not need anyone. Chances are Severus will need help for a very long time. But no matter what happened in the past, we can be there for him and help him now. Because he needs you Albus." Tim added softly. "I know Tim, I know." Albus muttered, turning his gaze to the closed-door of Severus' new room.

The man they were speaking of sleep soundly on, unaware that they were trying to find a way to save him from himself.

A/N_: For those who do not understand the metric system, Severus is 6'2 and weighs 117 lbs or_ _8.3 st. _


	6. Better Than Nothing

A/N- Still don't own. This is a bit..more graphic than normal. Nothing to horrible, but let's just say that Severus get's caught. Sorta. A bit warm and fuzzy too. Also some bad language. Enjoy and please review, it makes me update faster.

-x-

"No." "Severus please jus-" "No!" Albus sighed, leaning against the wall. The boy had managed to lock himself in Albus' loo, which was not spelled against harm. Of course Severus did not know that, he had just been trying to get away from the damn, pestering man. "Severus, talk to me please! What is going through that mind of yours?" Albus pleaded, summoning a chair. His old knees could use a rest. He settled down, prepared to wait out the younger man.

"Leave me alone, Albus! I am fine!" Severus snapped, his hands gripping the sink tightly. He sent a glare at the closed door, before turning his eyes back to the mirror. Why had he ran in here? There was only one way out. _Stupid, childish impulsive._ He growled, glaring at the man in the mirror. The bags under his eyes, the gaunt, tightly pulled skin on his face, the slight yellow tint to his complexion. "Bloody hell." He whispered. _ I look like that Hufflepuff girl, what was her name? Dena, Deine? Deine. That was it. The one whose parents sent her to a centre. What did Sprout say she had? Anorexia? Looked like walking death. I look like walking death. _ "Fuck." "Severus?" Albus' concerned voice floated through the door. "Severus, what's wrong? _Nothing at all Albus, I just realized how much like hell I looked. _"Nothing!Go away!"

"Severus, please! Just open the door." Albus sighed, watching the closed door. None of his spells had worked, damn that boy. "I'm not going anywhere Severus. So when you decide to, please come out so that we can talk." He would not force the boy, not if he did not have to. After all, he did have a few spells left he could try. But he wanted the boy to come out on his own.

Severus growled, glaring at the door for a moment. He wanted to cut. So bad. And yet his blade was locked safely at the bottom of his truck, as was his potions knife. Damn it. Perhaps Albus had something in here...His sharp, nearly black eyes took in the room, surprisingly plain for such an outlandish man. A tub, a loo, a cabinet, sink, and mirror. Severus wrenched up the cabinet, quickly sorting through the outs and ins. _Why on earth does he have two SOCKs in his cabinet? Not even matching ones._ He mused, picking through the supply of everyday potions, muggle plasters, and..ah, a muggle razor. Thank the gods that Albus was not a typical wizard. He ran his hand over the razor, slicing his finger. With a grin, he set his foot on the closed loo and pushed up his trouser leg. A deep breath and he sliced into his leg, right below the knee. "Severus? Severus! Open this door now!" But Severus had zoned out, his hand on automatic as relief flooded his veins and his body calmed. He was fine. He was okay. All was good. And yet the hand that held the muggle razor did not stop its movements, did not stop digging across his flesh. And he was bleeding. A lot. This razor was much different than what he was used to. But it felt good. And that's all that mattered.

"Severus!" Albus was on his feet, wand in hand. He knew though, that even as the warning chime sounded in his head, the spell that he had placed on Severus to warn him if the young man actually managed to get around his wards and harm himself, that he would not be able to stop the young man. He reached into his robe and grabbed the pendant on his neck. "Tim Rainwater." He hissed, all the while waving his wand at the door. Foolish boy! What the hell did he do to this door? He let go of the pendant and started muttering spells, while also trying to open the door with just his magic. He was a powerful wizard, for god-sakes! A locking charm should NOT keep him out. The floo flared in his living room. "Albus?" Tim called out, concern laced in his voice. "In the bedroom!" Albus replied, glaring at the door. He was very close to just blowing it down, but then he might hurt the boy. The stupid, foolish, idiotic boy. The hurting, scared, angry child. His boy. _Damn it, Severus._ He waved his wand once more and the lock finally, finally clicked. _Finally_. "Albus? What's going on?" Tim stood in the doorway, watching the other man with eyes that betrayed his worry.

"Severus had the bright idea to lock himself in the loo. My loo. Which isn't warded." Albus sighed, his sadness showing on his face. "Ah. He has only been awake an hour or so, yes? I take it he figured it out." Tim strode into the room, heading straight for the bathroom door. Albus had his hand on the handle, struggling to take a deep breath. "Albus, sit. Let me heal him first." Tim remarked softly, glancing at the pale older man. He pushed him not so gently back into his chair, sending a wave of calming magic into the older man. "Let's see what is going through Severus' mind and then the three of us will deal with it together." Tim added, his tone never leaving its gentle nature. He turned to the door and knocked sharply once. "Severus? I'm coming in." He called out, taking a deep breath before pushing open the door. Severus barely noticed him, his eyes closed as he leaned heavily against the sink. The razor was still in his hand, but now it was merely pressing into his leg. He was no longer actively harming himself.

Tim let the door swing shut behind him, not wanting to have to deal with two emotional men at the moment. "Severus, I'm going to come over to you, alright?" He stated gently, walking slowly toward the younger man. "Severus can you open your eyes for me?" Severus merely groaned, shifting against the sink. The younger man swayed suddenly and Tim wrapped an arm around him. "I got you Severus. Let's get you sat, alright?" He gentle guided the younger man to sit onto the closed loo. The blade had clattered to the floor. Tim kneel on the blood splattered floor, keeping one hand on the man's back to support him, while the other was in front of the damaged, bleeding leg. He quickly sent healing into the leg, frowning in concentration as he knitted the skin back together and the wound healed, scabbed, and finally vanished, leaving several angry red lines. Tim sighed, silently summoning a scar salve and a blood replenishing potion from the inside pocket of his robes. "Severus, can you open your mouth please?" He asked gently, wanting to get the potion into the boy as fast as possible. Severus was now leaning back against the loo, his eyes still closed. "I need you to take this blood replenishing potion Severus. Can you open your mouth for me please?" Tim held the vial to the man's mouth, pressing it against Severus' lips until he opened his mouth. He quickly poured the potion into the man's mouth, placing a gentle finger beneath Severus' jaw so that he closed his mouth and swallowed. Severus grimaced. "Need.." He rasped. "Yes?" Tim asked, sitting back on his heels. Severus cleared his throat and opened his eyes, closing them quickly with a grimace. The light was far to bright. "Need to find a way to make it taste less..horrible." Severus grumbled. Tim chuckled, dimming the lights a bit with his wand, before turning to rub scar salve onto the younger man's leg.

Severus experimentally opened his eyes again, slowly this time. He groaned when his mind registered that he was, in fact, still in the bathroom and that Tim was taking care of his leg for the second time that day. His eyes caught sight of the blood on the floor, and on him and Tim, and widened in shock briefly. "I didn't...I wasn't.." Tim glanced up at the other man, meeting his eyes. "You weren't what, Severus? Were you not trying to harm yourself? Or did you merely not realize how deep a muggle razor could cut?" He asked softly, his voice never losing that irritating, gentle tone. "I didn't. I just wanted..." What had he wanted? A release? No, that wasn't right. He had wanted something...Comfort? _Ha! I was a death eater! I do not need comfort!_ But the image of the fourth year girl floated back into his mind. Albus had mentioned, at the staff meeting before the start of term, that the child was doing much better. _But why would some silly child bother me? I had nothing to do with her! Perhaps...NO! There is NOTHING!_ "Severus, take a deep breath for me please." Tim requested softly, pulling the young man out of his thoughts. Severus took said breath but did not calm down much. Tim merely sighed. "I want to give you a bit of calming magic, is that alright Severus?" He'd be damn, the boy needed it either way. Severus growled. _I do not need calming magic!_ But his hand was shaking and he shivered, giving a sudden nod.

Tim placed a gentle hand on the boy's arm, moving slowly. He had noticed, early that day, that sudden movements startle Severus. That was yet another thing they would have to speak on. He let a gentle flow of calming magic spread through the boy, bringing him down from a near panic attack. Something in his mind had caused him to panic. Severus would have to learn to deal with these things in a healthy manner. Once he saw a drastic change in the boy's breathing and heart-rate, he stopped the flow of magic. "Let's go reassure Albus that everything is alright, what do you think?" He asked quietly, getting off his knees with a small grimace. He was not used to being in that position for extend periods of time, but he feared he would be sitting on the floor much more in the near future. With a wave of his hand the blood vanished from his and Severus' clothes, and the bathroom cleaned itself up. Severus groaned. "Do we have to?" He snarled, well rather it was much more of a whine. "You cannot hide in here forever, Severus. Albus is very worried about you. We both would like to know what caused this." Tim replied quietly, offering his hand to the younger man. Severus merely stared at his hand, grumbling under his breathe. "I just wanted to be alone." Tim sighed. "That does not explain why you hurt yourself Severus. Would you rather I invite Albus into _his_ loo so that the three of us can continue this conversation, or shall we move into a larger, more comfortable space?" Although his tone was still calm, it had taken on a stern edge. Severus glared at the man, but finally took the offered hand, allowed Tim to help him to his feet, even he would admit that he was a bit unsteady from the blood lose, and out of the loo.

Albus looked up from where he was sitting, his head in his hands, when he hurt the door start to open. He sat up quickly, taking on a stern exterior. Inside, his heart hurt for the boy. He just wanted to help him, but all he seemed to do was cause him more pain! He watched as Tim guided Severus into the room, raising an eyebrow at Albus. Albus merely sighed, he wasn't sure he could do this anymore. "I think it would be best if the three of us had a conversation. Is here alright Albus, or?" Tim asked calmly, fixing the older man with a look that he _should_ know well. Perhaps it was time for yet another conversation with Albus about saving people. Tim gave a small, barely audible sigh, waiting impatiently. Albus frowned, glancing at both of the younger men. So Tim thought he could do this, if that look was anything to go by, the man was practically yelling at him to stop beating himself up. He sighed, before giving a firm nod. "Yes, here is fine. Severus may sit on the bed." Albus replied with authority, conjuring yet another armchair. Tim glanced at the armchair with a grimace as he guided the younger man, a bit forcefully, to the bed, applying gently pressure to his shoulder until he sat down on the edge of the bed. "Could you not have chosen a colour not so garish Albus?" He teased, a light of acceptance and approval in his eyes. Albus merely smiled at the younger man, his eyes twinkling, before turning to the man who sat sullenly on his bed, glaring down at his lap. Albus sighed, moving both of their chairs closer to the bed with a wave of his hand and spelling off the younger man's heavy boots. "Hey!" Severus snarled, looking up, startled. "I would prefer not to be kicked, young man. You would not like the consequences if it happened." Albus warned. Severus merely glared at him. "Perhaps you could tell us what caused this Severus? Why did you lock yourself in Albus' loo? Was your initial goal to harm yourself?" Tim asked calmly, watching the younger man's body language and facial expressions. Severus was good at hiding his emotions, but Tim was also a professional at reading people. It was his job, after all. To tell who was traumatized and who was hurt.

"I just want to be left alone!" Severus snarled, moving to stand. Albus reached over and put a hand on the boy's knee. "You are not leaving Severus. Not until you tell Tim and I what is wrong." Albus' sharp tone took him by surprise, but he quickly schooled his expression to look merely devoid of emotion. And yet his eyes were not. He was still working on making his eyes not show emotion. Damn eyes. "Talk to us, Severus. Why don't you just start by telling us how you ended up locking yourself in _Albus'_ loo?" Tim asked gently. Severus sneered at him, turning his glare back to the floor. "Look at me please, Severus. Tell me what's wrong." Albus' tone was gentler this time, kinder...caring even. "I just wanted to be alone. I needed space." He muttered, looking up to meet those old, blue eyes. "Was your goal to harm yourself?" came Tim's calm question. _Can nothing bother that man?_ Severus wondered silently, shaking his head in response. "No. I just...needed time. I'm not used to being around people." He grumbled, glaring down at his lap. "Was it because I was trying to coax you to eat, my boy?" Severus glared at Albus, meeting his eyes briefly, but did not reply. He didn't have to as the answer was in his eyes. Anger flashed in the cold, hard nearly black orbs. But also, a bit of fear.

"You are not used to being cared for." It was a statement, not a question. Tim had noticed that flash of fear and made a mental note of it. Perhaps it had something to do with why the younger man had decided he needed to cut. Severus did not respond, not that he had expected him to of course, but the look in his eyes, the sheer loneliness rolling off of the younger man confirmed it. "Did your self harm have to do with not wanting to eat, Severus?" Tim asked softly, hoping to get the man to open up just a little bit more. Severus shook his head, but then hesitated. The younger man gave a brief nod, gazing out at the far wall. "You didn't want to eat?" He shook his head again. "So you hurt yourself?" He hesitated, trying to make sense of it in his head. Why had he harmed himself? Usually there was a reason, he always deserved it, of course. But something had snapped into place and he was...frightened? No, Severus Snape does not frightened. He was irritated, that was it. He did not want to think anymore over...it. So he took a razor to his skin. To stop thinking. He gave another quick shake of his head. "No? What happened then, Severus?" Tim asked gently. "Didn't want to think." Severus grunted out. "What didn't you want to think about Severus?" Severus merely glared at him, glancing briefly toward Albus who was just listening and watching, his presence almost a comfort. _Comfort? The old coot? Where did that come from? Stupid mind healer is messing with my head!_ "Were you afraid?" Tim asked, watching the younger man closely. Severus shook his head, sending him a glare. "A verbal answer if you please?" Tim responded, frowning at him. The younger man needed to learn fast that although non-verbal answers were alright sometimes, he preferred and requested verbal answers.

"I'm not.." Severus trailed off, trying to squash that thought. He might lie to them, but he could not lie to himself. He had been afraid. Terrified. "Severus?" Albus asked quietly, watching the younger man with concern. "Yes. I was." Severus whispered, staring down at his stocking feet. For some odd reason, he felt like crying. He was Severus Snape for crying out loud! _And Snapes don't cry! Snapes don't cry. Snapes don't cry._ The mantra in his head was not helping, damn it. What happened next he would blame on blood lose, as a tear, a tear!, had started to roll gently down his gaunt cheek. Albus reached out toward the younger man, only to freeze when the boy flinched. Curse his father. If that man wasn't already dead...and he didn't even know what he had done to the boy. Just Tim's report that there seemed to have been abuse. And he had known that. Damn it. Tim caught his eye, sending him a look that automatically made him stop feeling sorry for and blaming himself, while he reached over and gently rested a hand on the younger man's shoulder. "Hey now, what is it? Talk to us, Severus." Albus murmured gently, moving to sit beside the boy, wrapping an arm around him. Tim gave a small nod in approval before turning his eyes back to Severus, who now had tears falling, although the young man seemed to be fighting to control it. "It is alright to cry Severus. We all cry sometimes. I still cry, don't you Albus?" Tim remarked gently. "Oh yes, I too cry on occasion" Albus murmured, rubbing a hand soothingly on the younger man's back. But that only seemed to make the tears fall faster. Clearly, Severus had never had anyone comfort him when he was upset before. "Deine. Don't wanna be." He mumbled through the tears, swiping at his eyes with one hand. Tim gently placed his hand on top of the boy's wrist so that he would stop with the foolishness and just let himself go. "Deine?" Tim asked quietly. Albus' eyes snapped up and he blinked. "Deine? Deine Hagan?"Albus asked giving the younger man a sharp look, but never stopped rubbing his back. Severus merely nodded. Albus sighed. "Deine is a fourth year. Her parents took her out on a leave of absence. She has Anorexia." He explained quietly. Tim nodded, as the pieces fell together in his mind. "You were scared by what you saw, Severus?" He asked gently. "Yes." Severus whispered. "There is no need to be ashamed. It is perfectly normal and natural to have fear. I would be afraid if you were not afraid of something. You are not too far gone Severus. This conversation that the three of us are having proves it. You just have to accept help. Allow us to help you." Tim responded softly. "We want to help, Severus. I want to help. I want to take care of you, son." Albus murmured quietly in the boy's ear. The tears fully returned. "Shh, it's alright Severus. We are here. I am here. I love you, my child" He whispered soothingly. No one had called him son in a very long time. No one had taken care of him. And no one had loved him. Ever. Tim gently squeezed Albus' and then Severus' shoulders, before quietly exiting the room, allowing the two men some much needed privacy and bonding time. Severus needed to realize that he now had a father, whether he wanted one or not. Tim sat down in the living room, determined to wait until the two men joined him.

Albus came into the living room a half hour later, alone, not in the least surprised to find Tim still there, reading one of his transfiguration magazines. Tim glanced up, raising an eyebrow at him. "He's asleep. With the proper wards surrounding the room. I didn't want to move him." Albus answered in respond to the silent question, raising a wordlessly silencing spell so that the young man would remain sleeping for a while. "He's sleeping in your bed?" Tim asked, raising an eyebrow. Albus merely smirked. "'Yes. He started to fall asleep and I wanted him to feel safe, so I tucked him into my bed." Tim chuckled. "He won't like that when he wakes up." He pointed out quietly. "I'm sure. But perhaps he'll realize that what I told him was the truth. That he is a son to me. And that I will protect from everything, even if I have to protect him from himself." Albus sighed, gazing out the large window. "You can do this, Albus." Tim replied softly. "I know, Tim. I know. When he wakes up, will try dinner once more. I'm not giving up on him. I won't. He needs me." Albus glanced toward the younger man before flicking his eyes to his bedroom door, which he had left slightly open, so that he could hear when Severus woke up. "And you need him." Tim remarked quietly, before gesturing toward the chess board. "I'm sure we have time for a game or two before Severus awakes. And perhaps after dinner, Severus will want to join us." Albus gave a small smile, a true smile. Yes, that sounded like an excellent plan. With one more glance at the bedroom door, he turned to the chess board, as his boy slept on.

A/N- Deine is very loosely pronunced as Diana. It is German. As the fourth year Hufflepuff, who might appear again, is German.


	7. Courage

_A/N: Still don't own._ Longest chapter yet. They just keep getting longer! This one starts out slow, but stick with it! It moves faster toward the end. This chapters are difficult to write and are usually done in one sitting, in three to four hour stretchs, because my mind has to be in the right place to write Severus' journey. And the right place is not necessarily a good place. Point being, these are written in long stretches, usually finished at around 4 or 5 am, so I apologize for any mistakes that spellchecker and grammar checker missed. Looking for a beta for this story! Anyway, let me know what you think. Italics usually means thoughts! And I tried to break it up a bit better this time. ~Case

Severus groaned, shifting on the large, soft bed. He snuggled down into the covers for a moment, slowly opening his eyes. He blinked as his eyes began to focus and sat up fast. These garnish covers were not his, and his walls were a more muted colour, not this bright, plum purple! _What on earth...I'm in Albus' bed..Damn it. _He groaned as the pain manifest in his leg, although the wounds were healed, most of them anyway, there were still bits of pain in his calf. "Severus?" The door opened slightly and Albus' head popped through. "Ah good, my boy. You are awake. Just in time for supper." Severus merely groaned. "Come on Severus, let's get you cleaned up for supper. We will sup in my quarters, my boy." Albus soothed, moving to help the younger man out of the tangle of covers. Severus merely waved him off, pulling himself up and swing his legs over the side of the bed with a grimace. A wave of his wand and his pajamas turned back into his trousers and button down. He glanced around for his boots, turning to raise an eyebrow at Albus, who merely conjured a pair of house shoes for the younger man. Severus grumbled but slipped on the fluffy house shoes and stalked past Albus toward the dining room. He glanced at Tim, who was resetting the chess board, and sneered but otherwise ignored the healer.

"Albus tells me that you are a brilliant hand at chess, Severus. If you wouldn't mind, I'd like to test my skills against you. I'm an avid player myself, but an amateur." Tim remarked quietly, watching the younger man carefully. Albus snorted. "Amateur my foot." He muttered under his breath. Tim glared at the older man briefly, turning back toward Severus. The younger man merely raised an eyebrow at both of them and shrugged, drifting toward the chess board. Tim stood, reaching out to place a hand on Severus' arm but stopped when the younger man barely suppressed a flinch. _ We'll have to work on that. He cannot remain afraid of human contact for the rest of his life._ Tim sighed. "_After _ we eat, Severus." The younger man glared at him, but Tim returned his gaze calmly, watching as Severus huffed and stalked toward the dining room table. Tim followed at a slower pace, pulling three small vials out of his robes. He set them gently in front of Severus, watching as the younger man looked over all three with sharp eyes, before picking up one and sniffing it. Severus grimaced and wordlessly poured it into the cup of tea that Albus had placed in front of him.

"There are ways to make nutrient potions stronger without having them taste horrid." Severus muttered. Tim merely sighed. "Unfortunately, the Potion Master at the clinic is not capable of drifting from the recipe. The _old _ recipes at that. As soon as the old man retires, the clinic plans to invest in acquiring potions from outside sources. It is best with tea or juice. The other two come from outside sources."

Severus frowned, picking up a vial of pink liquid, ignoring the light blue draught beside it. "Calming draught, but the colour is off." He murmured critically, ignoring the fact that Albus was filling a plate of food for him.

Tim merely laughed, starting to fill his own plate with roast beef, mashed potatoes, and vegetables. "Not exactly. It is a different variation."

Severus sniffed the potion, frowning. "Lavender, Yarrow root, Chamomile, and Sweet Woodruff?" He questioned.

"It is, indeed." Tim motioned toward the other potion and the tea, calmly waiting for the younger man to start eating. Albus had started to prepare his own plate, watching both of the younger men with twinkling eyes. Of all the things they would talk about, potions! His boy was going to start connecting to Tim by talking about Potions! And yet, he was not surprised at all.

"Who supplies your calming draughts? It is a unique blend and I would like to get the recipe for it." Severus asked, eyes shining with excitement in a way that usually only happened when he talked about potions, at least these days anyway. He picked up the other potion, sniffed it and grimaced, but tipped it up quickly, swallowing it in one go. "I do not need an appetite supplement." He growled.

"You do and you will continue to take both the supplement and the nutrient potions until you are at a proper weight. The supplement will help add extra vitamins and will also help with your diminishing appetite. As for the calming draught, it is one that I created, as that draught, which you will also be taking every day, not only calms but helps relieve depression and the symptoms of it. You may have the recipe, but I will be supplying your potions from here on out. Now eat, Severus." Tim ordered quietly. The younger man sneered down at his plate before tentatively picking up his fork and bringing a small bit of green beans to his mouth. He glared at said beans and finally took a bite, chewing slowly. Tim nodded, turning to speak to Albus, who was digging into his own roast beef. Severus muttered a quick vanishing charm, scowling down at his plate when the food did not vanish.

"That will not work here, Severus. You do not have to clear your plate, but I ask that you try. And more than one bite of food son. One bite is not trying, not when you are so underweight." Albus turned sharp eyes on the younger man, thankful that the elves had agreed to allow him to spell the dishes as such. Severus merely glared at him, before slowly starting to work his way through his plate. Both Tim and Albus, although engaged in their own conversation, watched the younger man closely. When Severus stopped eating, half way through with his meal, as his stomach started to protest, Tim merely nodded. "Good work, Severus. Half of your plate is not bad. Now please drink the rest of your tea and the calming draught." Came the quiet order. Severus merely muttered under his breath, wisely doing as he was told.

**-Sunday-**

"Sit down, Severus." Tim's voice was still calm, his demeanor still irking to the younger man. But it was time for them to start working through things and Tim knew that he needed to lay down the law to Severus, to let him now how things were going to be. So far the alarms had not gone off, but then classes resumed tomorrow and Severus would be off into the castle for much of the day. Although he would have someone watching him, the younger man would not know that, if it could be helped. Severus had also slept through the majority of yesterday, going to bed after only two games of chess, both of which he won, not that Tim had not given it his all, although he had been more interested in observing Severus in a neutral setting than to the game. He watched as the younger man stalked toward and gracefully dropped into the armchair, folding his arms over his chest and turning his impenetrable glare toward Tim. "Now, as tomorrow is Monday, there will be some guidelines that you need to follow during the day. I realize that you must check on your Slytherins every night, but afterward you are to return to these quarters, without any detours." Tim pulled a pendant on a chain out of a pocket of his robe, leaning over to hand it to Severus. "This pendant will allow you to call Albus or I if you need one of us. I ask that you keep it on at all times, if possible." He added gently.

Severus glared at the pendant as if it was personally insulting him but went ahead and accepted it. He ran his hand over the pendant, examining the spellwork on it. "Location charms." He sneered.

"Well yes, Severus. It would not do for you to call me if I could not find you." Tim merely shrugged, his sharp eyes watching the younger man closely. "To activate the charm, just say either Albus' name or mine while holding the charm."

Severus scowled at the older man, but dutifully slipped the chain over his neck and hide the pendant beneath his shirt. "If we are done then.." Severus snarled, quickly standing.

"Sit down Severus. We are no where near done." Tim replied calmly, following the now pacing younger man with his eyes. He silently locked and warded the door, he did not feel like following the young man all over the castle. "As I'm sure Albus has mentioned, I am the one who decides when you can move back to your own quarters. You have to work with me Severus, not against me. I cannot help you if you do not let me in."

Severus glared at him, dropping gracelessly back into his deserted arm chair. "I do not need help." He snarled, although he knew it was quite useless. Albus had his mind set and Tim seemed to be just as stubborn. He needed to convince them that he was fine. Perhaps this entire week without his release would satisfy them and they would leave him alone. He had even managed part of his lunch without complaining! Compliance and obedience, that was the key. It had always worked in the past. _All he has to do is believe that I am better. There is nothing wrong with me, so what is there to make better? But I have managed harder feats in the past. This shall be simple._

"What is going through your mind, Severus? What are you thinking about?" Tim asked quietly. Severus did not answer, he just merely continued to glare at the healer. "Are you thinking about how much you hate this or how it is a waste of your time? Or are you trying to find ways to convince me that you are fine?" The answering glare and furrowing eyebrows was all he needed. "I have worked with many stubborn, difficult people, Severus. All who needed help and all who refused to admit it, or were so deeply in that they did not even realize that they needed help. People who were in denial." Tim remarked, watching the body language of the young man. Severus was good at hiding everything, even his body language, but not so good that Tim could not glean pieces of information from it. The boy was irritated, bitter. Angry. But then again, Severus did seem to wear anger like a cloak. Another barrier that Tim knew would have to be broken, and soon.

"You know _nothing_ about me!" Severus snapped, his displeasure evident in his tone.

"You are right, of course. I do not, so why don't you tell me something about you? Help me get to know who you are Severus." Tim requested gently.

Damn man was also so calm. Could nothing bother him? _Might as well comply a bit. Hm..What to tell, what to tell..._ "I brew potions." Severus mentally slapped himself. Well, that was a stupid remark. Of course he brew potions, he was a potion's master for godsake! He even taught those imbecile students!

"You design your own recipes?" Tim asked with interest. Although this was not what he had hoped for, he would run with it and try to tease moreinformation from the younger man. Severus' eyes had nearly let up. Potions was as good as topic as any, then.

"Of course. Variations of current recipes and creations of my own." Severus merely shrugged, hiding his thrill and excitement behind that mask.

"You have improved potions then. May I ask which ones?"

Severus paused, thinking over the question for a moment, debating if he should answer or not, and if Tim was really interested or just being polite. The man did seem honestly intrigued. "You may. I have improved several, but my greatest achievements to date was improving the effectiveness of the Pepper-up and Strengthening potions. I also created a non-addictive version of Dreamless Sleep, meant for children with night terrors." He replied finally, keeping some of his more dangerous achievements to himself.

"A Dreamless Sleep specifically for night terrors? I take it is also helps with chronic nightmares. Is it patented yet? Tim asked, more than curious. A potion like this would help many of the children and teens he saw.

"It is the potion that I gained my Mastery with, so it has been patented for a few years. It works wonders for nightmares and sleeping problems in children and young teenagers. I am working on adapting it to work for older teenagers." The light in Severus' eyes did not dim but seemed to grow brighter at the prospect of improving his own creation.

"Ah. I take it that there are many students in Slytherin who need these potions in particular?" Tim asked gently, making a note to ask one of his potion makers about this potion.

"There are. I seemed to need to give it to at least one student a week, if not more. I have charms in place in the dormitories to alert my perfects and myself of any night terrors." Severus sighed, his excitement vanishing as fast as it had come. "Students from unpleasant families often had severe nightmares, especially the first few weeks of term and the last week or two before breaks. I prefer not to drug my Snakes to get them to sleep, but sometimes it is the only way to protect their minds from the harshness that is often reality." His face and tone were emotionless, as if he was merely stating facts and not at all affected by this _reality _and the treatment of his Snakes by their so called _families_.

"It should not be reality though, especially for children." Tim replied carefully, He knew that the younger man was seething inside, but he could also sense a touch of sadness and acceptance. "Children should not be afraid of their own families."

"Nor should they arrive at school with broken bones and covered in bruises. A child should also never experience some of the darker curses from their own parents. They should not be punching bags or target practice. They should not have to fear every raised voice and slight movement. There is a reason that Slytherin house has more rules and guidelines than most of the others. There is a reason that Slytherin first years always get physicals on that very first night. I will not have any of my children spending their first few weeks with broken ribs. My Snakes know that they can come to me with anything and that I will listen to them, even if I do not always know how to help them nor can I remove any of them from their homes. Albus could try for some but..."Severus trailed off, lost in his own thoughts. He was more talking to himself than he was to Tim, he was not even aware that the healer was taking in every word that he said.

"Have you brought any of this to Albus' attention?" Tim asked softly, trying to help guide this conversation along.

"No, of course not. Even if the Headmaster did care, I am not sure that there is much that even he could do. I'm sure he has seen the files from Poppy, and he has never mentioned any of it to me. There are a few severe cases that I might bring up, but perhaps not for a few months." Severus sighed, inwardly fighting with himself. It was his fault that these children suffered so. He did not do enough to help them but he did not know how! Not without going to Albus and he just...couldn't! He could not go to Albus. Not if he could help it. It was only the beginning of October, after all. He had time. "Hm?" The healer had said something, but he was not sure what.

"I'm sure Albus cares Severus. Why wait? Why not mention it now, instead of later? Give Albus time to figure out what can be done and to find a solution?" Tim repeated, frowning at the younger man. He knew for a fact that Albus did care about every single one of his students, even if the man had odd ways of showing it sometimes. He also knew that Albus regretted his past actions toward some of the houses deeply, that man did not want any child to suffer harm. Even without the long conversations that they have had, there was still the fact that Albus had enlisted his help, so far this year, with finding a counselor for one young Ravenclaw and was working toward finding homes for at least two Ravenclaws and a Hufflepuff.

"I doubt it. It is easier to wait. At least if I spring it on him later, he will be so busy that he has no time to get into my business. Unfortunately, he has already found reason to nose around in my life once more." Severus growled, his eyes distant.

"Ah. If you were only avoiding him because of that, then perhaps it would be beneficial to mention it to him sooner, rather than later." Tim's frown deepen. He knew there was something there, he just needed to push a little bit more without causing the boy to shut down completely. "Why were you avoiding him? Would Albus' being involved in your life really be that horrible?" _Not to mention that he is now going to be extremely involved. He sees you as a son child, you just have to realize that._

Severus snorted. "Fool. Of course it would be! Those children are difficult to deal with, and he would figure that out and start pestering me about why! I am not explaining to that old man that these children bring up my own demons! It is unnecessary and not a subject that needs to be addressed by him. Old news!" He snapped.

_And there it is._ " What is old news?" Tim asked gently, hoping for an answer but knowing that pushing further could cause the younger man to shut down again.

"Damn old man. The past is old news. It is not something that needs to be revisited or 'gotten over'! There is nothing to get over! Albus knew nothing! And he tried, repeatedly, to get answers that I would not give. There was nothing wrong! Is nothing wrong! My father was no worse than those of some of my Snakes!" Severus snapped, barely holding onto his temper, although that anger was not directed at Tim, or even at Albus. No, Severus was only angry with himself. His life had not been that bad and he knew it. He had food and clothes, that was all an ungrateful, unwanted whelp like him needed, all he deserved. God, he needed a blade. Now. And he wasn't even sure _why _this time. Not precisely, anyway. He just did not want to think about this. About how useless he was. About how much he deserved that treatment. But his Snakes. They did not deserve it. They were innocence little children. Uncorrupted children who were being molded into something else, into being perfect little minions. Innocence children. But wasn't he once an innocence child? Or was he not? He could not even remember. Worthless. That's what he was.

"Severus? Severus, talk to me please. Take a deep breath. Come on Severus, breathe for me." Tim was kneeling in front of the young man, who had placed his head in his hands without even thinking about it. The younger man was clutching his head and his eyes were haunted, but that damn mask was still up and the young man seemed to be panicking. Something was going through Severus' head, something upsetting.

Severus groaned, clutching his forehead. He did not even remember the damn healer coming to crouch in front of him. "Worthless. Useless." He mumbled, wishing desperately for his blade. He had his wand, of course, but he was not thinking straight, not at all. He needed pain. He deserved pain. It was his fault. All his fault. He should be punished. Needed it. Bad. He was bad. With that last thought he dug his nails into the bare flesh of his lower arms, not caring that the damn healer was watching him, that he was in front of him. He flinched when the older man gently took hold of his wrists, pulling his hands away from his arms while sending calming magic into him. Severus fought against his hold briefly, trying to pull his hands away, needing that tiny bit of relief. There were small marks on his arms, a few of which has drops of blood slowly forming, but it was not enough. Never enough. He was never enough. He needed pain. It was all he had.

Tim watched the inner turmoil of the younger man, trying to feed him calming magic, but Severus was fighting against it. Well then, perhaps it was time for plan C and since this man was still quite young, it would hopefully work. He stood up quickly, still holding both of the young man's wrist in one of his hands, and pulled Severus to his feet. A wave of his hand widen the armchair a bit, Severus, although tall, was small enough that it was not necessary to widen it very much just yet, and changed it so that it was a rocking chair. Tim sat down, pulling the younger man to sit on his lap. Severus struggled briefly, but he was not sure if the boy was struggling with him or fighting something else in his mind, before finally giving into his strength and allowing Tim to arrange him on his lap, so that the boy's head was cradled back against his chest and his arms wrapped around the child. He held Severus, murmuring calming words into his ear while slowly rocking back and forth. Severus struggled briefly and finally started to give in. His mask dropped and the pain of the younger man's face was heart-wrenching but not completely unexpected. Tim's calming magic flowed easily into the younger man, soothing the last bit of his sheer panic and fear. "Shh. It's alright Severus. It's not your fault. Albus and I are here now. Let us help you through this. Talk to me, Severus." He soothed. The boy closed his eyes leaning his head further back against Tim's chest. Once he was sure the boy was not going to try to harm himself again, he released his wrists, and started rubbing gentle circles on Severus' back.

"Can't. My fault." Severus whispered, shivering. He leaned further into the body heat of the older man, drinking in the comfort. Comfort he knew that he did not deserve, but at the moment he really did not care.

"What is your fault, Severus?" Came the gentle question.

"Students are hurting. I didn't do anything. My fault. Father was my fault." He whispered, flinching slightly as a blanket landed on him, was pulled gently around him. And yet the hand never stopped rubbing his back and an arm was still wrapped around him. He was still being rocked. Severus bit his lip. He would not break down. Not again. Must be something in the damn potions that the man gave him. He would not break. He was a Snape, for godsake!

"No, Severus. The students are not your fault. You did do something. You talked to them. You offered a listening ear, perhaps even a bit of your brand of comfort. You soothed their nightmares, don't deny it. I know you did. You even held a few of them when they were upset, even if it made you uncomfortable. For some, that is all you can do. For the others, we will speak to Albus together about them if you like, but not right now." Tim replied sternly, silently placing a warming charm on the blanket. The younger man was freezing, his skin was ice cold to touch. "Your father was not your fault. You did not cause him to hurt you. He was the adult, he was suppose to take care of you Severus. That was his job. And he failed you. It is his fault, not yours. You do not deserve to be hurt, not at all. You are a bright, snarky, secretly kind young man. I see that and so does Albus. You are good, Severus. Even if you do not believe so. You are. You are worth more than you could imagine, especially to Albus." He listened to the younger man's shallow breathing and sighed. "It is alright, Severus. Your father is not here. You are allowed to cry here. It is perfectly manly to cry and it is expected that you might, with all this stress." He added softly.

Severus struggled to focus on something besides the soft words of the man holding him. Before this weekend, he had not been held like this in a long time. But yesterday with Albus and today with Tim..._Being held like a child should not make me close to tears! I am a Snape! I am a Snape! I am a Snape! _But the tears slowly leaked down his cheek and he turned his head, burying it in Tim's robes. His mantra was broken, he was sure. The power of these two wizards had broken his mantra! His mind chuckled at the silly, childish thought, even as he finally let himself go to the tears. Tim just continued to hold him, rubbing soothing circles into his back, returning to muttering nonsensical words in his ears. And yet it was calming. So calming. When his tears finally stop and Tim placed a gentle hand under his chin, tilting his face up so that he could wash it off with a cool wet cloth, just as Albus had yesterday, his cheeks flushed in embarrassment but he did not fight the healer. For one, he was quite comfortable. And his face felt gross. He had done the same for some of his students in the past. And now he understood why they were always so relieved at the end of a good cry.

"None of that Severus. There is no reason to be embarrassed." Tim chided, wiping the cloth gently across the younger man's face. He continued to hold Severus, letting him have the comfort he needed. "Do you feel better?" Severus merely nodded, closing his eyes again. "I know this will be hard for you Severus, but continue to let me in. Keep talking to me and Albus. We will help you through this." Tim remarked softly. "I am glad that I know you better now. I think, however, that this will be all for right now."

Severus opened an eye, raising an eyebrow at him. "This was your brand of 'therapy'?" He muttered sarcastically.

Tim merely laughed. "I told you it would not be as you expect. 'Therapy' as you call it, or as I like to title it, healing, comes in many forms but it is mostly talking. About anything and everything." Tim teased gently, loosing his hold on the younger man, so that he could get up if he chose to. He had stopped the magic flow several minutes ago, now that Severus was calm and seeming to stay that way. "Now then, how about a game of chess and some snacks? I'm certain I can't beat you this time." He added with a smirk.

Severus merely grinned. "Doubt it but you are more than welcome to try." He stood slowly, keeping the blanket around him and started toward the table where the chess board was already set up. Tim had also stood, summoning an elf and quietly ordering a few healthy snacks and tea for the both of them. He watched Severus for a moment before walking to his own chair, stopping to squeeze the younger man's shoulder. He was on his way to healing, but it would be a long, difficult journey. It would be worth it though, to see his face light up like it does when he talked about potions or played chess. Tim was determined to help him make that journey.

_A/N-Lavender, Yarrow root, Chamomile, and Sweet Woodruff are all natural herbs with varying properties. All have a bit of a calming effect. Chamomile tea and Lavender cookies/soap are especially calming. However, even if Severus takes a potion with them combined, that does not mean you should try combining them. Jusy sayin'._


	8. Toora Loora Looral

A/n- _Long, yes. Probably full of errors? Well, it is six am and I have yet to sleep...so shot me. I kept falling asleep while writing this, so I do apologize if there are more random jumps than normal. Italizes are normally thoughts, -x-'s are breaks in time, etc. I could not spell Quittich to save my life, I do apologize. Some onsceen harm here, but nothing worse than normal. Enjoy ~Case_

Severus paced silently between the rows of cauldrons. First years, a boil cure draught. Nothing too difficult and, as of yet, no one had messed it up. Granted, they had just started brewing. He knew he made some of the first years nervous, so he tried to stay away from them, but he had to check every cauldron once the brewing started, to make sure there were no accidents. It did not help that this was his Gryffindor/ Slytherin class and they were always a mess. _House Unity my foot. This group would attack each other faster than you could say Quittich._ He was snapped out of his thoughts as a young Gryffindor flung something across the room and into the cauldron of another Gryffindor. His wand was out in a split second, the spell already on his lips. A shield formed quickly around the cauldron as it exploded, the force still pushing the young girl back. With a wave of his hand he vanished the mess, turning to glare at the culprit. The child was an idiot. He could have seriously injured the girl and those sitting close to her. "Detention Mr. Lamur. And ten points from Gryffindor for sabotaging a fellow classmate's potion." He snarled, arching an eyebrow at the boy when he opened his mouth to protest. But that didn't stop the foolish child

"But sir! It was her fault!" The gangly boy whined. He was taller and bigger than the girl, having started puberty a bit early. By far one of the tallest in his year.

Severus glared at the boy, stalking closer toward him. "How, pray tell, is that?" He growled. "Did Ms. Jenkins tell you to sabotage her cauldron? Did she ask for her potion to explode?

The boy took a step back, flinching under the man's sharp gaze. Severus never raised his voice. He didn't have to. "No sir. But it's still her fault." The boy muttered.

"Why?"

"Because! She's a little prissy bitch!" The boy snapped.

"A week's detention with Mr. Filch, Mr. Lamur. I do not want to hear those words from your mouth again, or I shall wash it out with soap. If you are quite done, out. To your Head's office. You may explain to her why you just lost your house forty points." Severus growled dangerously, daring the child to argue. The boy didn't. He gulped and fled. "The rest of you back to work." Severus ordered quietly, striding over to the girl. If he remembered correctly her name was Jenna. "Are you quite alright, Ms. Jenkins? No splashing from that potion?" He asked quietly, attempting to soften his gaze just a bit.

"No sir. I didn't get splashed." She whispered, eyes on her hands.

Of course she hadn't. He already knew that, or he would have helped her first and then taken care of the boy. "It does not matter why he does not like you, Jenna. It is not of importance. Pay him not heed. One day he will regret taunting one of the best potion brewers among his yearmates.

His soft words caused her to look up. She was not used to her potions professor being nice. She had heard a few rumours, of course, that he could be kind at times and that he always protected the students from injury. But this was not a physical wound. He was, in his own odd way, trying to comfort her! It was just...unusual. And yet, it made her feel much better. When he dismissed the class and called out for her to stay a moment, she did not even hesitate. She was not scared of him. Well, not as scared of him as she was three hours before, at least. He was still frightening, but not someone who would hurt her. She knew that now. "Yes, Professor?" She asked quietly, looking up at him for once.

"Since you could not complete your potion, if you write eighteen inches on the making of the Boil Cure, with details on what can go wrong and the properties of each ingredient, I will mark that in place of your ruined draught." Severus barked, although without malice or anger. It was just, after all, the way he spoke.

"Yes sir! Thank you sir!" Jenna grinned. It would be fairly easy for her, she was good at essays. She turned to leave at his nod.  
>"One more thing, Ms. Jenkins." Severus called out.<p>

"Yes sir?

"If you ever need someone to talk to and you feel that you cannot speak to your own Head of House, you may come to me Jenna. You are, as I said, one of the best brewers of your year." Severus' words felt a bit uncomfortable and downright foreign to him, but he smirked when the girl's eyes lit up. He knew that she was being bullied by her own house, it would take a fool not to see it. His door was open to her, he just wanted her to know that.

"Thank you sir. That means a lot." Jenna grinned, trying to keep from bouncing. A compliment like that from Professor Snape was rare and to be cherished. The man did not lie nor soften his words. He was always blunt and straight to the point. That was one of the many reasons she liked him and wished, desperately, that she had been in Slytherin. She left at his dismissal nod, not able to keep the bounce from her steps.

-x-

Severus sent a glare at Albus, who was talking to Minerva on his right. He pushed the food around his plate, having not touched it at all. He had spit the appetite stimulant into his tea, vanishing it was ease. At least his cup was not warded against vanishing food. Apparently all the plates and bowls in the _entire_ school were now warded against vanishing spells. He had noticed one or two teenage girls glaring at plates that would not vanish. Huh. He wasn't the only one who hated this then. Albus had told him, before they had headed down to breakfast, that the warding was not because of him but because Poppy had noticed a trend among some of the upper year girls _and_ boys. Wasn't really shocking, actually. He had done the same as a student. He muttered a curse under his breath, taking the tiniest bite of food. Suddenly it hit him. He could not vanish food on the _plate_. But if it was on the fork...Of course, he didn't dare vanish it from his mouth, he might accidentally vanish a tooth, even as good as he was. It was just too risky. But if he timed it right...Yes, that would work nicely and Albus would never know. Halfway between his mouth and the plate, he let a forkful of beef slip off, vanishing it before it could land on his robes. Severus repeated the action a dozen times, clearing nearly three-quarters of his plate and only having to eat a single bite! He was a genius.

Once he had managed to escape from the table, with Albus' nod of approval and look of pride, he had stalked back down to his office. He needed to do some marking and he hadn't been forbidden from being in his office just yet.

-x-

Three classes and sixty corrected essays later, he was tired. Exhausted. No detentions to supervise, he had only given two and both were with Filch, only the pop quizzes for both of his second year classes to grade and no more classes to teach. It was only Monday and already he wanted a break. He sighed, stopping his grading to go check on his Slytherins. They should all be in their assigned study groups now, all of the first five year-groups, at least. Sixth and Seventh years studied in groups that changed by the subject. It wouldn't do to have a student studying Ancient Runes trying to study with one taking Divination. Granted, he only had four NEWT level students in Divination and they all showed in aptitude for the subject. He stalked into the common room by a door in his quarters, one that most of the younger years had yet to figure out was there. The older teens were not at all shocked by his sudden appearance, but he had made a couple of first years jump. He strolled causally around the room, answering the few questions that were asked and giving a bit of help to one truly hopeless third year. The child would never master Transfiguration, even with tutoring from one of the NEWT students. But that was alright. The child had talents and was even especially gifted in certain subjects. His Care of Magical Creatures professor was always singing the boy's praise. But that didn't mean the boy's parents were happy about it. He was one of the children that reminded him too much of himself. Unwanted at home and not popular at school, although the child had many friends in Slytherin. True friends. With a sigh, Severus continued on, pacing around the room for a good part of an hour, before heading back to his office, completely lost in his own thoughts.

He couldn't help the child. He couldn't help any of them. All he could do was listen. He couldn't remove them from their homes or offer them a great deal of comfort. He just listened. A lot of good that did. He couldn't help...no. He wouldn't help. He could help, he could always help. But he was too damn proud to help. Because helping them meant admitting defeat, admitting that he really was useless and worthless. The pride that had shown in Albus' eyes early came back to him and he grimaced. He did not deserve that pride. He was nothing to be proud of. He was just a tricky, lying piece of unwanted dirt. He was nothing. He did not deserve Albus' comfort. He deserved nothing but pain. Hate. He had offered solace to that girl today, the Gryffindor, but he knew he would fail her. She needed someone who was actually worth something, someone who would actually help her and not just listen and offer sarcasm. Worthless. Dirt. Dirty. Stupid. His hands were rapidly searching his desk, hunting for anything, anything at all. Almost without thinking, his body was responding. His hand found a potions knife, an old and rusted one, and without even pausing, drew it rapidly across his forearm. He tossed his robes out of the way, pushing his sleeves up automatically. His body acted on pure instinct. He knew he deserved pain. He was worthless. Useless. Evil. Bad. Dirty. With each word, he tore the blade across his arm. No thought, no hesitation. Just action. He didn't even pause in his slashing when the door slammed up. He was too lost in his own little world.

"Severus! Drop it!" Albus ordered, striding briskly into the room, grasping his own left forearm. Part of the charm he had placed on Severus was that he would feel the pain as Severus did. The young man ignored him, having not noticed his presence at all. He knew he needed backup. He could get the blade away, easily. But he could not heal those wounds. He grabbed the chain around his neck, muttering "Tim Rainwater" before calling out, "Accio!" The blade flew out of Severus' hand and into his own, where he vanished it. Severus suddenly became aware of him, hissing and lunging toward Albus. He was not thinking straight. Not at all.

Severus glared at the older man, eyes darting to the door. He couldn't believe that he had actually lunged, lunged!, at Albus. He needed out. Now. His pain was not complete. He deserved more. Much more. And then it clicked. He had a wand. Damn, he was stupid. He drew his wand and muttered under his breath, slashing it down toward his leg. The gashes that opened had him gasping, until suddenly he felt his wand flying away from him.

"Expelliarmus!" Albus caught the wand as it flew to him, pocketing it quickly. Where was Tim? Severus was now bleeding badly and although he knew a few healing spells, he was not an expert.

Speak of the devil and he shall come. Tim swooped into the room, slightly out of breath. It was a lot of stairs from where he had originally floo'd in at. Albus was muttering spells under his breath, trying to stop the bleeding of the young man who had nearly collapsed and was leaning heavily against the leg of his desk. He shook his head sadly, dropping gracelessly to his knees in front of the young man. He started muttering under his own breath. "Vulnera Sanentur, Vulnera Sanentur." His wand moved in the complex pattern, yet another spell he wished he could do wandlessly. But it was a bit complicated to say the least. Once the bleeding had stopped, he settled on the ground, drawing the young man's leg into his lap, placing a hand on either side of it and sending his magic into it. The gashes closed and the skin knitted back together, leaving faint pink lines. But he knew the pain would still linger. There was nothing he could do about that and he rather not, anyway. Because then the young man would just try again. Tim released the leg and gently took hold of Severus' wrist, sending his magic up the younger man's arm. How many times were they going to have to repeat this? How many times was the young man going to be so close to bleeding to death? He was pale, paler than normal, and his skin was ice cold. Finishing with the arm, Tim did a quick scan of the man's body, frowning. He rummaged in his robes, pulling out two potion vials, holding the first to the young man's mouth. Severus' eyes were closed but he opened his mouth without a word, swallowing the blood replenisher. "One more Severus." Tim murmured gently, holding the second vial, with a much thicker liquid, to his lips.

Severus obeyed, before gagging on the potion. He ignored Tim's whispered encouragements and comfort, forcing himself to swallow. "What the bloody hell was that?" He snarled, once he was able to speak again.

"That is a potion of my creation. It will scour your body for any infection that I might have missed. Really Severus, the least you could do, if you are going to harm yourself, is use a clean blade. Although, we would prefer if you refrained from harming yourself altogether. Here, drink this too please." Tim pulled out a third vial, which Severus eyed warily. It too was a thick potion, but it also looked familiar.

"No. I will not take that." He snarled.

"You will. Or I shall spell it into you. This is not up for discussion, Severus." Tim replied flatly, meeting the young man's scowling, bitter eyes for a long moment, before the boy looked down. He was not going to win against him, Severus would learn that fast. He held it out to the boy once more and Severus reluctantly took it. He drank it in one gulp, swallowing the thick, super strength nutrient potion was a bit of difficulty. "I believe we need to discuss why you harmed yourself Severus. Perhaps Albus' quarters would be a bit more comfortable than the cold floor?" Tim added quietly.

Severus glared at him but did not protest as Albus helped them both off the floor and moved to the floo. He flinched when Tim gently took hold of his elbow.

"You are in no shape to floo alone Severus. You will floo with either Albus or myself." Tim ordered calmly.

Severus hesitated and then looked toward Albus. If he was honest with himself, he'd much rather floo with Albus. He took an awkward step toward the man and Albus held out a hand to him. Severus hesitantly took it, allowing Albus to gently grip his elbow and steer him into the green flames.

Tim grinned, now that the office was empty. He had expected as much. Ah bonding, hopefully Severus and Albus' bond would become strong. They both needed it. With a glance around the office, he flicked his wand, cleaning up the mess and locking and warding the office. It would not do if a student got in here and found the tests. Or worse, managed to get into the potions stockroom. With that finished, he floo'd to Albus' quarters, ready to face a stubborn, hurting young man.

-x-

Tim watched the younger man with a slight frown. This might be a bit difficult, especially since Albus had taken up one of the armchairs, although he was responding to owls. He knew that Albus would actually be listening. And unless Severus asked him to leave, he did not see much harm in that. After all, Albus was the one taking care of young man so he did deserve to know some of it. They had decided that Albus would be present for any discussions when Severus was found harming himself. Not his therapy sessions though. For Severus did need a sense of privacy and there were things that the young man probably did not want Albus to know. Severus could tell Albus if he wanted to share something with him, but otherwise it gave Severus a sense of strength, being able to control what Albus knew. "Could you tell us why you harmed yourself, Severus?" Tim asked gently, but it really wasn't a request and Severus knew that. They had gone over this yesterday evening, what Severus could expect from both of them.

Severus merely glared at Tim, crossing his arms. His nails dug into his forearm slightly, not so much that Tim could see it though. He needed pain, deserved pain.

"Severus, stop that." Albus ordered, glancing over at the young man when his own forearm started to sting.

When the boy merely glared at Albus, digging his nails deeper into his arms, Tim sighed. Oh yes, difficult indeed. "Hands on your knees, Severus." Tim ordered softly. "Harming yourself will not get you out of this conversation. It is, in fact, the very reason we are having this discussion to begin with." He frowned when the younger man ignored him, still digging his nails into his forearms and sneering off into the middle distance. He moved slowly, so as to not violently startle the young man, moving to kneel in front of Severus, gently prying his hands away from his arms. He watched the child's facial expressions, waiting for any reaction.

Severus did not disappoint. He flinched and jerked his hands away from the older man, glaring daggers at him. "Go away." He hissed.

"No."

Severus scowled, folding his arms once more and keeping a wary eye on the mad healer. HE was not happy, to say the least. He did not want to _discuss_ why he had harmed himself, he had only agreed to that last night because he believed he would not get caught. There was nothing to discuss. He just wanted the pain. He needed it. Now.

"Hands on your knees, Severus.

The quiet, no-nonsense order broke through his thoughts and he growled at the man. Who did he think he was! He was not some child to be ordered about! He clenched his fist, letting his nails slice into his palms. He glance briefly at Albus when the man hissed in pain, grasping his own hand. Why was Albus hurting? Unless..._No no no! He does not have a monitoring charm on me! I would have noticed! Well...perhaps not, not if it was Albus' doing. Fuck. _

"Severus." Tim warned softly, a hint of steel in his voice. He was not angry or irritated at all. He had expected this. But the younger man would learn fast to work with him, if it was the last thing he did. Surprisingly, the young man did unclench his fists but did not uncross his arms. _Well it's a start._ "Severus, hands on your knees please. So that you shall not be tempted further." His order was still soft, still calm, but still powerful.

Severus glared at him but glanced at Albus. He slowly moved his arms, bending his elbows and resting his hands on his knees. He felt stupid, like a little child who had been caught sticking his hand in the cookie jar. Or like he had been caught stealing from Slughorn's stores again, not that Slughorn ever brewed _anything._ Lazy ass man.

Tim gave him a small, pleased smile, before standing and moving back to his chair. His knees and back creaked. He felt so old sometimes. He wasn't even forty yet! Ah well. "Alright Severus. Would you like to explain what happened early to us?"

Severus shook his head. "Not really." He muttered under his breath. He knew that Tim would not let it go though. But he felt like being stubborn. He had an image to uphold, after all.

"Were you angry? Upset? Confused?" Tim offered gently.

"No! Yes. I don't know." Severus was frustrated. He didn't have a straight answer, what did the damn man want! It's not like he could tell the truth. He groaned.

"Do you know, if I didn't know better, I would say you were trying to kill yourself." Tim remarked dryly, watching the younger man. Albus had finally gave up the pretense of reading and was listening intently.

"I wasn't! I was just angry!" Severus snapped. He hadn't been trying to kill himself. Nor did he plan on it. Yet. There was no need to tell the healer everything that was in his mind. Thank god that his mind was very much protected.

Tim narrowed his eyes at the younger man. He was hiding something. His body language screamed that at him. But that was a discussion for later. "Who were you angry at? Were you angry at your students? At Albus? At me?

"No! I was just angry!" Severus snapped.

"There had to be a reason for it Severus. Were you angry at yourself?"

"No! Yes! I was! Happy?" He snarled.

"Of course not. Why were you angry at yourself? What made you so upset that you seriously harmed yourself?" Tim asked gently.

"It's my fault!" Severus snapped, bolting up and pacing rapidly around the room. He knew the door was warded and if he darted into his room, Tim would just follow. But he needed to be in motion. He couldn't explain why but pacing calmed him.

Tim watched the younger man pace, frowning slightly. Well, at least it was a bit of headway. "What is your fault, Severus?" His quiet question caused the younger man to turn and glare at him. He knew that his calmness could be irking sometimes, but a calm demeanor helped get through to his patients. Most of the time.

Severus paced, deep in thought. It was his fault. He knew that. Right? It had to be his fault. He allowed them to hurt. And he couldn't hurt himself. Even though he deserved it. Fucking hell. "I deserved it, alright? It's my fault! I cannot help them! No. I can. But I don't. I let them suffer. It's all my fault!" He snapped, his rage tearing the words from him. He needed an outlet, so badly.

"Deep breaths, Severus. Sit. Let's work through this, alright?" Tim leaned forward, his hands itching with calming magic. He had a feeling about how this was going to end. Which was fine, really. The boy needed to let it out, badly. He needed to learn to trust them. And if it helped with that, than so be it.

Severus dropped gracelessly back into his armchair, dropping his head in his hands briefly before resting his hands back on his knees. He was tired. So tired. So worthless. So bad. "My fault. Worthless." He whispered.

"No Severus, not at all. Can I safely assume that you are talking about the abused students in your care?" Tim asked gently, watching him carefully. Severus gave a brisk nod.

Albus looked between them sharply. Abused students? Why hadn't Severus told him? Unless one of his professors, or the students themselves, came to him, he could not help. Even if he suspected, because he had no proof unless he confronted the student. The few Slytherins he had talked to, the ones who were honest with him, at least, he had been able to help. Even if he could not remove some of them, he did find ways to work around the stupid government policies. Slytherins hid it so well though, and Severus had been a Head of House for three years now. Two cases he had been informed of, the first year. One last year. And none this year. He knew that they had to be there, they always were. But he had thought that Severus had not found them yet. Why was the boy hiding them from him? Did he not believe that Albus would do his best to help them? Did he not trust him? Oh, they would be having a long conversation about this. "Abused children? Why did you not come to me?" He asked, he couldn't help himself. Tim glanced toward him but didn't shoot down the question.

"I...well...I-I couldn't. Wouldn't. Didn't want you to ask. Thought you knew." Severus muttered, glancing at Albus before dropping his eyes. Damn. Albus hadn't known? So he wasn't just ignoring them because they were Slytherins.

"Of course I didn't know, Severus. Poppy is under a healers oath. She cannot tell me without breaking that oath. The only way I know of the abused children in this school is when my professors inform me of those in their houses or if I notice something unusual and confront the student. As I'm sure you remember, that does not always go well. I would never let a child be hurt if I could help it, Severus. It does not matter what house that child is in, who their parents are, or how old they are. I protect _all _the children in this school, even those who are not quite children anymore. If I do not know, I cannot help them. I have made mistakes in the past and I am sure that has led you to believe that I do not care, but I do. I care for every single child in this school. All eight hundred of them. Perhaps I do not remember the first names of all the first and second years just yet, but I do care for them all." Albus stated softly, turning sad eyes to the younger man who was staring down at his lap."It is not your fault, Severus. There is still plenty of time to help those children, but we can discuss them later. The only child I am worried about right now is sitting in front of me." He added gently.

"I am not a child." Severus retorted, biting his lip. _I am a Snape and Snapes don't cry. Snapes don't cry. Snapes don't cry and nor do I. I am weak, pathetic, worthless._

"You are, Severus. You are my child." Albus sighed, glancing at Tim.

"You hurt yourself because you felt like you couldn't help them Severus?" Tim asked quietly. Finally, the two men were getting somewhere. Perhaps they could patch of some of the holes in their relationship, work pass the past.

Severus gave a small nod. "Worthless. Useless. Bad. Dirty." He whispered.

Tim frowned at the 'dirty' comment. They would have to explore that later. Hopefully it wasn't...well, that was not something that could be addressed currently. "You are not worthless or useless, bad or dirty Severus. Who told you that you were?

"Father."

The answer was so quiet that Albus almost missed it. Oh, how he would kill that man if he wasn't already dead! "He was wrong Severus. You are not worthless, at all. You are priceless. You have so much worth and kindness in you, help so many students, even those who are not in your house. You are far from useless. You do so much, for so many, even when you do not have to or no longer need to. Even when you are asked to give up those tasks. You could never be bad Severus. Ever. There is too much good in you, even if you hide it from most. You cannot hide it from Tim or I. As for dirty, well you are not. Not one bit. You _are_ a smart, snarky, charming young man who has been dealt a rough hand in life and needs to let others in to support him and help him over the hurdles. You are not weak, you are brave and strong. So strong."

Albus' statement was met with silence from both of the younger men. Tim hid a smile, while Severus stared at his lap, biting down hard on his lip. Albus stood and walked over to the young man, gently taking hold of his arm. When he flinched, Albus hesitated but slowly pulled him to his feet, encircling him into a hug. Severus stiffened but then slowly relaxed into Albus' arms and gave up his fight. Tears started to silently stream down his face and his shoulders shook with the effort.

Tim silently widen the armchair that Severus had vacated, his fingers twitching. He wanted so desperately to give the boy calming magic, it was the downside of being a healer. But he would let Albus try to calm him first.

Albus glanced at the chair and gave a small, appreciative nod to Tim, steering the younger man back toward it, seating himself and pulling Severus so that he was sitting across his lap, his face still buried in Albus' robes. Albus started murmuring those nonsense words, comforting words. His hand rubbed slow, gentle circles on the young man's back. His arm encircled the child, keeping him securely on his lap; his hand running through the boy's hair. He felt the sobs subside a bit, even though he had never actually heard them.

Tim was crouched in front of them, a hand on Severus' arm, gently feeding small bits of calming magic into the young man. Enough calming magic so that the young man would not shut down his mind at least. The sobs started anew. Albus raised an eyebrow at him but Tim merely shook his head. "He wasn't calming down, he was shutting down Albus. Keep talking to him." He whispered

Albus nodded, whispering words into the boy's ear. But Severus started to struggle, with both him and the calming magic.

He didn't want to feel! He wanted to just shove it all away! Why did Tim have to make him go through this! He didn't deserve comfort! Not at all! Did he?

Albus gazed down at the struggling young man and changed tactics. Words weren't working. But perhaps they were just not the right words. Hm. Albus started to sing softly, his voice deepening. "Over in Killarney, many years ago, My mother sang this song to me in tones so swee-t and low. Just a simple little ditty in her good old fashion way, And I'd give the world if she could sing that song to me today. Toora Loora Loora, Toora Loora Li, hush now don't you cry. Toora Loora Loora, Toora Loora Li, that's an Irish lulla-by." Albus had not sung this particular song in many years but the words came flowing to him. The child in his arms calmed and stopped fighting, tears slowing.

There was so much love in Albus voice, his mother had not even sung to him like that. It was beautiful and comforting. Severus buried his head in Albus shoulder, letting his eyes close. He was exhausted and he was safe. As Albus continued to sing, he fell asleep, safe in the arms of one who would proudly call him son.

_A/n- The lullaby is called Toora Loora Looral. You can find a very haunting verison of it on youtube, with the title of how to sing. It is beautiful and I do not own the lullaby. I'm not actually sure who is. And yes, for those of you catching on, all the chapter titles are songs. _


	9. The Battle

A/N:_Dedicated to SpencerReid. _

_Yes, this is quite a short chapter. First, however, let me address something that I've noticed in the reviews, since I can't reply to you directly. This is not canon. This is very AU, and the characters here, although they have the same personalities as they do in canon, are a bit different. If you read the story arch, although it is rather short, on my profile, you would realize that there is no Voldemort here. For those of you who say that Severus would never sit on someone's lap...perhaps he wouldn't, if he wasn't emotionally distraught. When he becomes upset and he is fighting himself, he loses control. He soaks up the calming presence without realizing what precisely is happening. If you read closely, you would see that he always fights at first. But he gives in to the comfort because he needs it. As SpencerReid as said, I did not invent this form of Therapy, it does exist, nor am I the only writer on here who uses it. Raven Dancer is one of many that automatically come to mind. Raven Dancer does write this method best, but we both have different styles of writing and I will be using several different therapies in here. Although this chapter is mostly a bridging chapter, hence why it is so short, it is important for the future. The prequel to this, a story about the night that Severus first came to Albus is now up. It is called simply "This Night". Although it is not necessary to read to understand everything here, it does show my version of Albus and it does give a bit of background to this story and the ones to come. Also, just to clarify, Severus might act like a child, but he is not much more than a child. He is only around 21 or 22 here. And his emotional growth was stunted. So yeah. _

_~Case  
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_-x-  
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Severus woke with a groan. He was in his bed and he did not quite remember getting there. At least he was in his own bed this. Well, the one in Albus' quarters. But still. The last thing he remembered was.._Fuck. Good work convincing them that you are fine Severus! Might I have a single day without blubbering? I am not a baby! Nor should I act like one. _ He sat up with a grimace. He glance down at the pajamas and sighed. He did not see his wand, which meant that Albus still had it. With a muttered curse he managed to get to his feet, a little unsteady, and stumbled to the wardrobe. _What is happening to me? Weak and crying? This is not normal. Not at all. _ Severus flung open his wardrobe, and froze. He glared at the clothes. Someone had replaced some of his more worn out clothing. But it was not all black anymore. Oh, he was going to kill that meddling old man. He scowled, grabbing a forest green jumper, that was so dark it was nearly black, and one of his black robes. He pulled out a pair of muted trousers and set about putting on the clothes, pulling the jumper over his undershirt and slipping his robe over it all. And yet he was still cold. That was...odd. Albus' rooms were not nearly as cold as Dungeons were and it was only the beginning of October. He should not be freezing. He glared at the door, slipping on house shoes and slowly opening the door.

Albus looked up from the chess board and smiled. "You slept through dinner, my boy. So we will eat as soon as I beat Tim." He turned his gaze back to the board, eyes twinkling. Severus was wearing one of the new jumpers he had bought him. Gigi had informed him that the young man did not have many clothes in good shape, and since he knew that the boy would rather spent his money on books, well he enjoyed buying for the young man. Especially since he loved to shop. He had even held himself back, buying mostly dark shades of green, blue, and brown. Mostly. Albus chuckled, causing Tim to glance up at him.

"Checkmate, Albus." Tim murmured, raising an eyebrow. Albus studied the board intently for a moment before tipping his king over. "What were you saying about beating me?" He teased.

Severus had sunk down into an armchair near them, surveying the board. He was exhausted, which was odd considering he just woke up. "You've been going easy on me." He accused, glaring at the healer. The man always seem to play distractedly, without thinking six steps ahead. But here, against Albus, it was shown that he could play well.

"I have not. I have just been a bit...preoccupied as of late. I promise you a rematch later, if you like. If you do not follow asleep during dinner." Tim replied, glancing over at the boy. He frowned, reaching out a hand that itched with magic. Severus flinched, but he had expected that. He merely waited until Severus finally reached out his own hand, allow Tim to grasp his hand. His frown deepened as he scanned Severus and he finally let go with a sigh. He merely shook his head at Albus' raised eyebrow. Now was not the time nor the place. He wanted to get dinner into the boy first, and then they would talk.

Severus glared at the brown-haired healer. If there was something wrong with him, he wanted to know now! Not later. Stupid healers.

"Come Severus, Gigi brought enough food for all of us." Albus stated, standing and gesturing to the kitchen. It was going to be a long evening.

-x-

A half hour later, after coaxing Severus to eat a third of his plate, Tim frowned, surveying the other two men. This was not a conversation that he was looking forward to. But it was necessary. He sighed, turning to watch Severus.

Severus glared at the older man, raising an eyebrow. "Yes?" He snarled.

"I do not want you skipping any more meals Severus, alright? Otherwise, I will make it so that someone watches you at every meal." Tim ordered quietly, eyeing Severus carefully. His scan earlier had shown some serious issues. But he also knew how the young man was likely to take that.

"You cannot do that!I do attend all meals!" Severus growled, fighting down his anger. He would not be watched like a child! He was not a child! Even if he had been a bit...babyish lately. It ended now!

"That you do. But I need you to eat at every meal Severus, as much as you can. Otherwise...if you lose any more weight, I will have no choice but to put you on a potions drip. You would not like that at all Severus. It is quite uncomfortable." Tim replied calmly. The young man's anger bothered him, but he did not show it. He would, eventually, have to get to the bottom of that anger. But from what he had observed of Severus, that would take quite some time.

"No. My health is not in danger." His tone was soft, low, dangerous.

Albus frowned at the younger man. "Tim is a healer Severus. He is only doing what he believes to be best." He scolded, meeting those angry onyx eyes with his own piercing blue ones. Severus looked away first, grimacing.

"Your health is in danger, Severus. Greatly so." Tim interjected. Both men turned to look at him and Tim sighed. This was not how he wanted this conversation to go, but so be it. "I mentioned to Albus, Saturday, that your health was not in good shape. And it is not. Your body is starting to break down its muscles for energy. Your body cannot keep up with the constant blood lose, it cannot created new cells fast enough. So it is draining your energy. You are not eating, which means there is nothing else for your body to use as energy. That is why you are so exhausted Severus. Add that to having to deal with all that you have locked inside your mind and with having to talk about it, your body is falling to pieces. It cannot keep up. So it shuts down, causing you to sleep long periods of time. If you keep this up, your body will not be able to perform some of the most basic functions. You will have worsening dizzy spells, especially if you keep losing blood, bad headaches, and eventually you will start fainting. I'm actually surprised you haven't already. Your organs will shut down, your heart will fail, and your lungs will stop bringing in oxygen. If you keep this up Severus, you will die." Tim stated carefully, keeping an eye of both of the men.*

Albus closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. He had known it was bad, but not this bad. _What am I going to do with you Severus? How can I help you child?_ "If Severus manages to get make to a healthy body weight, what is the chance that there will be lasting damage?" Albus asked quietly.

Tim hesitated, watching the silent younger man. His face was blank, expressionless. But his eyes were not. There was a spark of fear there, but there was also...acceptance. It was almost as if the young man did not care. "If he could be a normal body weight tomorrow, then probably not. But, as that is not possible, there is likely to be some damage to his muscles. If he keeps persisting, the amount of damage he can do to his heart and organs is extensive. You are killing yourself, Severus."

Severus snorted, sneering at the man. "Is that such a bad thing?" He snarled.

"Yes my boy, it is. There are people who care about you. People who do not want to lose you. You are still young, you have so much to show the world. Besides that, who else will hold such wonderful arguments with me?" Albus answered softly, meeting the boy's eyes.

Severus met the piercing blue eyes for a moment before staring down at his lap. _He's lying. No one cares about me. No one at all. _"You are wrong." He hissed.

"Not at all, my child. Not at all." Albus whispered, turning away to brush away the single tear on his cheek. He did not want to lose this child. Not again. Not ever. His child. He could not lose his child.

"Although you might choose not to believe it, Severus, people do care about you. Perhaps one day you will believe it. For the moment being, however, I would just prefer it if you would try to work with me. I know it is not easy, Severus. But it is necessary." Tim stated quietly, his eyes and tone serious.

"Fine. I will try if that's what you want." Severus snapped.

"Thank you, Severus." Tim replied calmly.

Does nothing bother that man? There he sat, telling him that he was going to die, and yet his was so damn calm still! Unless..._Perhaps Tim had to learn to be calm, even when he was upset or angry, as I had to. Hmm. _"But I will no longer be weak! So forget about that!" He added with a snarl.

"Weak? What do you mean, Severus?" Tim asked, puzzled. Weak? Why would the child think he was weak? Unless he meant the emotional outbursts...

"You know perfectly well what I mean!" Severus snapped.

That was it then. "Severus, if you are talking about the few break downs you have had, that is not weakness. That is normal. There is so much going on inside your mind and you have kept it buried for so long, that finally facing it will bring forth emotions. Crying is not a bad thing, nor is being upset. When you are so distraught it is because your mind is telling you one thing, while your body is telling you another. All you have ever known is a mask, a lie. Letting that mask down, facing those lies, it takes a lot out of the strongest and healthiest of men. You are a strong young man, Severus. But you are nowhere near healthy, and that in itself adds to your reactions." Tim explained quietly, both for Severus' and Albus' benefits. Albus knew quite well that Severus, in his right state of mind, would hex him fast for being held. But when he was distraught and his mind reverted back to when it stopped growing emotionally, the boy accepted comfort because he needed it. Hopefully, with time and help, he would continue to grow emotionally, but hopefully he would not stop seeking and accepting comfort.

Severus scowled in thought, thinking it over. It did make sense of course. He knew that with some of his students, that was how they were. But he never thought to think of himself in the same way. _Damn it._ He glared at the wall and fought back a yawn. He was tired again, immensely so, and yet, he had only been awake for an hour or two. Perhaps the damn healer was right.

"Why don't you read and rest for a bit Severus?" Albus suggested quietly. The young man merely nodded, standing slowly and shakily, before walking, a bit unsteadily, to his room, picking up a potions book and crashing onto the bed.

-x-

"Give him an hour and he should be out for the night. I can look in on the Slytherins, Albus." Tim sighed, raising a silencing bubble.

"That's alright Tim, I will check on them. They are my students and it is about time that the houses get used to their Headmaster stopping by occasionally. It will keep my Heads on their toes." Albus gave a small smile, but it left quickly. "How can I help him? I do not want to lose him, Tim. Not again."

"You help him by being there. By listening when he talks. By showing him that you are there, even if neither of you say a word. You must have faith in Severus, Albus. If we do not believe in him, he will not believe in himself. He can heal, but it will take time." Tim sighed, finally dropping his calm exterior. He was as worried as Albus. More so, actually, since he was looking after both men.

"Alright Tim. You are right." Albus sighed, rubbing his forehead. His was tired and he still had work left to do. He was trying to fix all of his past wrongs, and he had realized recently that he needed to look in on his Heads more often, instead of just trusting their word. He would be taking a trip through the Slytherin and Hufflepuff common rooms tonight, as planned, as well as checking on the Slytherins and making sure that they were taken care of. He had planned to take on the Ravenclaw and Gryffindor Houses tomorrow. And there was a young, hurting man in his quarters who he wanted to be there for. Who he should have been there for years ago, instead of waiting for the young man to come to him. This was his fault.

"Albus. Whatever you are thinking, stop. I will be coming by during lunch tomorrow to check on Severus. When he returns to teach his afternoon classes, you and I need to have a talk. If I am to help Severus, and to help you, I need to know what is causing your guilt and pain. You have to talk to me, Albus. I've been your healer for several years and although I can read you well, I do not read minds. You need to talk about it. Perhaps Severus and you need a session together, but that can be discussed later. I have a pig that needs to be fed, so I will be heading home now. If there are any problems, any at all, or if either of you need me, do not hesitate to call." Tim sighed, watching the older man. It was clear the Albus was lingering in the past again. And although he knew that Albus had done much that he was not proud of, especially toward the young man asleep in the next room, wallowing in guilt would not help either of them. "I will check on Severus, and then I must be off. Will you be alright?" He added softly, standing stiffly. His body was not used to all the kneeling and crouching just yet. Oh to be young again.

"I will. I will call you if we need anything." Albus nodded, his eyes sad. He knew Tim was right, but it was hard not to blame himself. But Severus needed him whole and sane. Well, as sane as he could be. He watched the healer disappear into Severus' room, coming back out a few minutes later with a smile.

"He is sleeping and will probably sleep until the morning. If he has nightmares, call me before you give him anything. You may wake him up from them, but if he needs a potion, _call_ me Albus. With the state his body is in, we need to be careful what we give him right now." Tim ordered, striding toward the floo. He stopped to squeeze the older man's shoulder, before stepping through and flooing home. He did, after all, have a little pot-belly pig that was wondering where he was.

Albus leaned back into his chair for a moment and closed his eyes. He had a feeling it would be a long night. With that thought, he glanced at the clock and turned to do some work. It would be another hour or two before he was needed in the Slytherin common room.

-x-

_* A/N- So, if you are wondering about what Tim told Severus, about his health, I figured I'd explain a bit. As Tim said, what Severus is doing to his body is damaging and the longer he does it, the more damage he will cause. This might not seem realistic, but I assure you, everything Tim says is true. Severus is very nearly 30 kilos underweight. His body is shutting down, his organs will follow. His body is eating muscle, destroying his strength. His blood is not regenerating fast enough and when it does, he has a higher chance for infections. But with a compromised immune system, because he is severely underweight and he is starving himself, an infection could kill him if it was not caught early enough. I am not a doctor, my facts come from medical websites, my friends experiences, and my own. Severus is still defiant. But that might quickly turn to fear when he realizes what Tim says is true. I know it did for me. And yes, Tim's familiar is a pet pig. And there is a story there which I might tell if it will fit into the plot. _


	10. Interlude: A chat

A/N- S_till do not own! Still AU and Non-canon complaint! Why yes, it is extremely short. But for a reason. It is merely an interlude. Next up? All Hallows Eve. But first, Albus and Tim need to have a bit of a chat. It is centred completely on Tim and Albus, no Severus in this scene, but no fears. He will be back. Thanks to SpencerReid for help with the plot and Excessivelyperky for getting an idea (however inadvertly) stuck in my head. Without both of you, I'd still be throwing words at paper and hoping that they landed in the right spot!_

~Case

-x-

Albus rubbed his forehead. Gods, he was tired. Running a school was hard work, without adding to it by doing more. Of course, he knew he should have always been making House visits and checking up on his Heads of Houses. Well, he knew that now. Headmaster Dippet certainly never did and had not taught him that in his instructions. Dippet had mostly just informed him of most of the Headmaster's duties, how to run a school and the wards. But Dippet had trusted his Heads of Houses to do what was best. He knew better. Filius, of course, was wonderful with his Ravens, and indeed with students from other houses. He set rules, boundaries, discipline. He knew when a scolding or a gentle word was necessary. He treated his students like they were his own children. Very much like Severus did, actually. Filius had years of experience, Severus was learning it as he went. Then why could Pomona and Minerva not set similar rules and boundaries? Minerva expected her students to know how to behave, even the first years, without any guidance on her behalf. He did not manage a trip to Gryffindor and Ravenclaw towers last night, but had ran into quite a few Gryffindors out of bed after curfew, many of whom were out of bounds.

One of the reasons he had prepared breakfast in his quarters this morning. So that he could eat, with Severus, without Minerva's glares. Breakfast had gone...well it had gone. Severus had choked down three bites of eggs and half a piece of dry toast at his insistence. Lunch had gone much the same. Except it was in the Great Hall, and a few of his teachers were starting to talk. He knew that Filius would keep his mouth shut, but Pomona was a gossip and Minerva could be vicious. He had quelled the rumours among the staff, but he knew Severus had heard one or two of the whispers. Of course, they were not whispers about his failing health or his self injury. No, those women had to gossip about Severus staying with him, which was not as unusual as it might seem. He had had several professors stay with him in bouts of depression or serious illness before. But none like Severus. He had to do something. Perhaps removing the boy from Hogwarts for a while, on leave, would be best for him. For Albus did not care what they said about him, but he would be damned if those women foul mouthed his child. Severus had enough to deal with already and a change of scenery might be good for him, if it was necessary. He would mention it to Tim.

-x-

Tim sighed, hesitating on the stairs outside of Albus' office. It was time that they got to the bottom of this. They needed to have a serious conversation, not as friends but rather as healer and patient. He took a deep breath, managing an expression of calm and concern, his 'healer' face as Albus liked to call it. With a quiet knock, and the sharp 'Come in", he strode purposefully into the office, shutting the door behind himself. "Afternoon, Albus."

"Tim. What can I do for you?" Albus looked up from hiss endless paperwork, glancing at the young healer. He had a feeling he would not like this, not at all. "How is Severus?"

"For the moment, he is holding his own. Stubborn as an ox. But I did not come here to talk about Severus, Albus." Tim replied, settling down into an armchair in the corner of the office.

Albus hid a grimace, glancing toward the persistent healer. "I do have work to do, Tim."

"As you always do. However, you can spare a half hour, surely, to talk with your healer. Can you not?" Tim asked sharply, watching the older man. He knew Albus well. If the man did not speak to him soon, it would not be Severus having a break down.

Albus sighed, stacking his papers neatly. Tim could be even more stubborn than Severus was. He stood and moved toward the other armchair, ignoring the couch. He liked having his own space, sometimes. He raised an eyebrow at Tim, waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak.

"Tell me what's going on, Albus." Tim requested softly, leaning forward and propping his elbows on his knees.

"I have no idea what you are speaking of, Tim. Besides trying to care for Severus and run a school, nothing is 'going on'." Albus evaded, turning his gaze out a nearby window.

"I meant, Albus, what is bothering you? What is eating away at your mind and causing you to merely pick at your food? Yes, I have noticed. Not a very good example for Severus is it? I want you to talk to me, Albus." Tim sighed.

"I am just stressed Tim. It does come with the job." Albus frowned, turning to glance at the healer.

"It's more than that Albus. I have known you for quite a few years now. This is more than just job stress. Talk to me."

"Really, Tim. There is nothing to talk about."

"Well then, let's start with how you feel about having Severus live with you." Tim suggested.

"Severus... It is different to say the least. To realize how much he was hurting, how much of that was my fault. Difficult indeed." Albus mused.

"How was it your fault Albus?" Tim asked gently. He knew from experience that a few nudges in the right direction and Albus would give in. To an extent, at least.

"I drove him here! I never stepped in. I let ...things get out of hand. I just couldn't see it." Albus sighed, staring blankly ahead, lost in thought. "Again, I cause him pain. But for what reason, other than my selfishness?"

"Albus, stop that nonsense now." Tim scolded. "You are helping him, greatly so. He is no where near healed, but he has a chance of healing, thanks to you. The past is just that, the past. The things that you said or did not say are not as important as what you say and do now for him. Perhaps you could have ended the bullying. Indeed, you should have stopped the abuse, but you did not know for a fact that it was happening. You had no proof. The bullying was different, but did you not believe that your Heads were handling it?"

"Of course I did. One of the training sessions for all staff is on handling bullying. I know at least two of my professors dealt with it, but the others? I thought they would handle it, but clearly they did not. His own Head of House ignored it. What kind of message does that send to a child?" Albus' eyes were not twinkling anymore, but hard, sharp crystals. It was partly his fault and he knew it.

"If you saw an instant of bullying, did you stop it?" Tim asked gently, hoping to guide Albus to where he needed to be.

"Yes. Any student bullying another was stopped and punished. Twice I lost my temper at those bullies. Both times were for Severus. One of his bullies almost killed him, on purpose! I could not even expel the damn boy. There were two victims to his stunt, he dared to call it a prank to me. It was not. Jokes do not harm! The werewolf child would have been executed for even coming close to attacking Severus. Two innocents and both of them were almost lost that day. Because of one selfish, stubborn, angry child." Albus growled. To this day it still made him angry. It had only been a few years, granted, but he almost lost the two boys that he thought of as sons. Because of one boy's misdirected anger.

"You could not have stopped the stunt Albus, if you had not known about it. If I remember correctly, we have spoken about this incident and your discipline of the two bullies in the past. I understand that Severus might bring some of these memories back up, especially as he is still suffering from the bullying, mentally at least. It will take time to heal Severus, but _you _cannot live in the past. He needs you _here_ Albus. Not feeling sorry for him or yourself. Beating yourself up and wallowing in guilt will not make him better. Talking to him will. Apologize to Severus for what happened, for your role in it. Tell him the truth, Albus. Even if that truth puts you in a bad light. Be honest with him and let him forgive you. Because he will. It will take time but he will forgive you. And you should forgive yourself as well. To heal him, you need to heal as well. I told you it would not be easy, healing never is. You both hold guilt over things you have done in the past and perhaps together both of you can learn to let it go." Tim studied the older man in front of him, reaching out a hand to him, one that Albus automatically took. Albus did not need calming magic but a bit of magic that would help his system feel recharged. Otherwise, the man would let his past anger and guilt take over and would be useless for the rest of the day.

"Thank you Tim. Enlightening as ever. I shall think on it." Albus sighed, finally pulling his hand away.

"That is all I ask, Albus. Now, is there anything else?" Tim replied gently.

"Actually, yes. I am worried about Severus. The staff are starting to talk and I am afraid that his duties and his health might be too much to handle at once." Albus straighten, going back into his in charge mode.

Tim frowned briefly, thinking. He always knew when Albus was done talking because of moments like this. Moments where he went from being Albus' healer to the healer of someone in Albus' care or his friend. "Removing him from Hogwarts temporarily would be good for him. However he cannot live alone right now. He either needs to live in a centre or with someone who can watch after him. You cannot leave Hogwarts for that amount of time. Perhaps an hour or two a day, but not all day. You are needed here." Tim remarked quietly, thinking aloud.

"I cannot leave, true. He will not stay in a centre nor do I want him there. Severus needs a place of quiet and peace. Somewhere he can feel safe. I'm not quite sure what to do." Albus sighed. He had a place in mind, of course. But no idea on how to make it possible.

"Would you be able to visit daily?" Tim asked quietly. He had a thought and it might actually work. It would be tricky, of course, but with the right wards it could be just what Severus needed.

"I would make it so."

"Severus should be alright here for a week or two, at most. That will give you time to find a substitute as well as give me enough time to set things in order. Severus will need therapy still and a safe environment. But he also needs a sense of freedom. Maple and I can stay with him, if you have a place in mind?" He asked.

"I do. The wards against harm are still intact, but might needed strengthening. We can manage that while Severus is teaching one day. I think, however, it would be best to not tell him until all the details are set." Albus nodded.

"Of course. We shall have him moved and settled in after All Hallows then." Tim stood, grinning briefly. It was a good idea. With that last thought, he headed back to the dungeons to check on the unsuspecting potions master.


	11. Strong?

A/N- _Still do not own. This was quite difficult to write and it does contain a suicide attempt. I am not a medical pe_rson, _so if Severus' method does not actually work, I apologize. However, as leg wounds in that particular area bleed a lot, I'm sure it would. I don't suggest trying it though. Italics are either thoughts or the in-between realm. If you are still confused after reading it, let me know and I'll get back to you. Reviews make my struggle worthwhile.  
><em>

_~Case_

-x-

It was Wednesday, October 31st and Severus was not happy. It had been two years. He had been teaching here for three, have had his mastery for that long. Albus had not expected him to complete it in only two years. The Dark Lord had been gone for nearly three years. He had been finished on the 15th of November, just weeks after a group of his followers had found the Potters and killed them, bringing the house down on top of the baby who had been hidden inside. The Potters were dead, his friend Lily was dead. Two years, she had been gone. He blamed himself, but he had not really done anything. At all. He had been at Hogwarts that night, watching children celebrate All Hallows. He knew, deep down, that is was not his fault. But he missed Lily. She had been his first real friend, and she had stayed his friend, even after he was cruel to her. Of course he was grieving, but this year it seemed to hit much harder. Perhaps because he finally acknowledged that she was not coming back, no ever. Severus sighed, dropping his head into his hands. He was in his office, supposedly grading and holding office hours. But all of the children were running about, even his Snakes, enjoying their half day, so he had no visitors. The stacks of parchment were graded, all but the test he gave his first years. He needed a break. A long one.

Albus sighed, setting down the parchment. He shook his head to the owl, turning to gaze out the window. The Minister could hold his own for a few days. It was not pressing and he had plans for the next week, Monday, specifically. The assistant Potions instructor would be coming Friday. That would give Severus enough time to get comfortable with the idea and to explain how to run his classroom to the visiting professor. Then Sunday, they would move Severus to the cottage. Monday would be the start of his leave, which had been stated to the governors as a medical leave. He would be able to return when he was ready, but not before January. It was a good plan, but he knew the young man might not find it to his liking.

Severus paced, gazing out at the grounds below. The astronomy tower had been his refuge from bullies when he was a young student and his refuge from Lucius as he grew into a teenager. Students were not allowed up here, outside of classes, but he was no longer a student. He knew quite well that there were several spells in place to prevent accidents or daredevils. You could not fall, jump, or be pushed from the top of this tower, one of the reasons he loved it so. Even if his bullies had found them, they would not have been able to shove him off. Not that they ever found him up here. He did not even come here with...her. He had seen another friend, of both of theirs, up here, but that boy merely wanted the quiet and the refuge from his other friends. Together they had spent many afternoons up here, reading or, rarely, talking. At least one of his friends was still alive. He knew Remus would be thinking of her today too. They were quite the group of misfits, targeted for being different, or weird, or muggleborn, or poor. Remus had initially belonged to another group, one that the boy had clearly not liked, but they offered him protection. Much like Lucius and Theodore had offered him. It was Lily who had brought together the misfits from all four houses, although he had been the only Slytherin. It was Lily who had originally found the special room. Lily who saw past the house colours and outer shells, to what laid beneath. The group had included the two Gryffindors, a Raven, two Badgers, and himself. Six in all: Lily, Mary, Nico, Emma, Remus, and himself. Six misfits, six friends. He had been the quiet one of the group, usually. Well, him and Remus. Nico was loud, happy, courageous. He had been killed a week before Lily. Emma, a muggleborn, had fled for the continent. He had not heard from her since the end of the war. Mary...He had seen the girl killed, as well as most of her family. That had been one of the worst days of his life. And Lily. Lily who had rescued them all, brought them together. Lily had been killed too. For no reason other than who her husband was. The Death Eaters had not even cared that she was muggleborn. They had just...killed her.

Severus stopped pacing at that thought, dropping gracelessly to the stone floor. He put his head in his hands, fighting down his emotions. He was stronger than this. She was dead. Dead. And it was his fault, somehow. He just knew it. Mary was his fault. He could have stopped it, he _tried _ to stop it, but they had killed her too. Mary, Lily, Nico...The Veil was supposedly thinner at Midnight on All Hallows Eve, the dead could pass through easier then. He was not quite sure he believed that. Because if they could, why didn't they? It's been two years, and yet, nothing. He was still as alone as always. As he always would be. And he knew that. His friends were dead or on the continent, likely to never come back. He should have died. Should have been killed by the Dark lord, but Dumbledore had, for some ungodly reason, wanted to protect him. He should be dead. He should die. The world was better off without him, wasn't it? What was he worth, really? Nothing. Nothing at all.

Albus gazed around the Great Hall, masking his concern. Severus had not shown for supper. Which was rather unusual, since Tim's threat anyway. Tim had promised to come over tonight though, hopefully Severus would be alright until this. His charms on the boy would alert him if something happened. Perhaps the child just wanted to be alone. He had lost friends on this night, as some of the children in this room had lost parents. Quite a few students had been asked to be excused tonight, as he knew they might. Filius was holding a small dinner and celebration of life in his quarters for those students who had lost much in their young lives. He knew that nearly twenty students, from all four houses, were currently with Filius. But he also knew that Severus would not be with them. Although not much older than some of the children, Severus did not act like a teenager, usually. He sighed, turning back to survey the rest of his students. He had this feeling that it was going to be a long night.

Severus watched the stars start to twinkle into life, his arms wrapped around his knees. He was tired of this. Of life. He had a plan, of course. But never a date. Perhaps he had a date now. But was that a good thing? That irritating healer would say it was not. But Tim was not on the top of this tower, he was. It was his choice, his decision, his life. To do with as he pleased. His dark eyes locked on the knife that laid within reach. He knew that it would take too long for them to reach him, if the monitoring charm would still work from this distance. It usually did not, but Albus was quite powerful in his own right. It would not be hard, not really. But was he willing to do this? He had once called it an easy way out, a coward's choice. But was it really? He was worth nothing. No one would miss him. Would they? His Slytherins might at first and Albus might...but he just...didn't want to do this anymore. At all.

_ Does that make me weak, for wanting a way out? Or strong, for admitting defeat? Does it matter if one person wants me here, or none? Should I live to please them? Or because I want to? If it is the latter, then I do not want to. I'd rather be dead, in the nothingness. To finally join my friends beyond the veil, where nothing can hurt me. Is it selfish? Or selfless? To remove the problem so that no one has to deal with it anymore, to stop wasting their time. To be...nothing. Gone. I am already empty. It should not be too hard to become nothingness._ He mused, finding the constellations that he knew well. There was Orion, the hunter. And the Big Dipper, his favourite as a child. He gaze slide back to the knife and he scowled at it, steeling his will. He stretched his legs out in front of him, palming the knife. If he remembered correctly, slicing his wrists would bleed a lot but probably not kill him fast enough. However his leg, on the other hand, might do nicely. With that thought he pushed up his trousers, easily locating the major artery in his right leg. He hesitated for a moment, because when it came right down to it he was scared. This was different than harming himself for relief. This would be permanent. There would be no coming back from this. He would die. Wasn't that what he wanted though? An end to the pain and the torment, to be back with his friends once more? Severus took a deep breath and pressed the knife in the skin right about his artery. He drew the knife down, pressing hard, and gasped at the sudden pain. Blood, lots of blood, suddenly spilled forth. He was already exhausted and weak, his mind fell easily into the darkness.

Albus gasped, feeling the pain fill him as every warning bell in his mind went off. Luckily dinner has just ended and he had been heading toward his office, to wait for Tim. He took a deep breath, wrapping a hand around his pendant. "Tim Rainwater." He whispered, letting the urgency he felt sweep into the call. He grasped his wand, muttering "Point me Severus!" before taking off up the set of stairs nearest him. He did not know where his boy was, but he knew that he was severely hurt.

-x-

_Blessed darkness. It was cold, icy cold, but the darkness held some relief to his tormented mind. He realized, however, that he had not crossed over yet, but merely fallen unconscious. As the light came into focus a bit, he gasped. That was him, laying on the cold stones, bleeding still. He could see his chest still rising and falling, slowly, almost painfully. Perhaps he should have cut his wrists after all. It was...haunting, to watch himself bleed to death. Severus gazed down at himself for quite a few seconds, before realizing that he was not alone here, in this place of in-between. Three people were floating beside him, arms crossed. He stared at time, his mouth dropping open, but none of them were looking at him. Instead, they were watching the young man who was bleeding to death. Severus glanced down at his body, knowing that it had been nearly two minutes. Shouldn't he be dead by now?_

_"No, Severus. It takes quite a while to die that way. It is usually pure agony for the one dying." The voice came rasping from the man standing between the two women. His eyes and hair a light brown now, a different shade in death than they had been in life._

_ "Nico..."_

_ "Why, Severus?" The woman who spoke this time turned yellow eyes on him. They had been gold in life, her hair a dark brown. She was that same as he last saw her, really. But she was now dead. _

_ "I'm sorry, Mary. I couldn't...I tried.."_

_ "That is not what I meant, Severus. Why?"Mary asked again, waving a ghostly hand at the scene below. _

_ "I...I couldn't..."Severus closed his eyes, wishing for the darkness once more._

_ "Sev...your life is worth something. You are worth something. We might be dead, but there is no reason for you to join us. None at all. Our deaths were not your fault. Not at all. If you die, it will hurt a lot more people than you believe. What of Remus and Emma? Both still love you, just as we do. What of Albus? Tim? Young Jenna? Your Snakes? Filius? And Poppy? Do you really believe that none of them would miss you? They would. Your death is not necessary, Severus." Lily's voice was still as beautiful in death as it was in life. Her eyes were a bit lighter, but her hair as fiery as ever._

_ "Miss us if you must, Severus. But celebrate our lives, don't bemoan our deaths. You must live though, to honour our lives. What happened to us was not your fault. You could not save me Severus, although you tried your hardest. You could not save Lily or Nico. We understand the reason for our deaths. But what is the reason for yours? Anger? Pain? Sadness? Fear? Because you gave up? Do not let them remember you as the man who gave up. Instead, live." Mary gazed at him for a long moment before turning to the body below. "Nico?"_

_ "There is little time left. Ah, here they come. Severus, you must choose. You must do it now." Nico replied briskly, watching the door to the tower fly open and two men rush out. One of them automatically dropped beside the young man, pressing both hands over his leg. _

_ "I don't understand. Shouldn't I be dead?" Severus asked quietly, watching Tim try to heal his leg. But the cut would not close and he kept bleeding. Albus dropped down next to his body, running a hand through Severus' hair, whispering in the boy's ear. Surprisingly he could hear him clearly from here._

_-x-_

"Albus, he won't heal." Tim whispered, not giving up quite yet. There was still a chance that he could force his magic into the young man, but it was not looking good. It was very difficult to heal physical wounds caused by suicide attempts if the person truly wanted to die. Severus had not been trying to kill himself the first few times he healed the dangerous cuts. But this time? This time it was clear that he was. One cut, deep and clean. "This wasn't an accident, Albus." He sighed.

Albus closed his eyes, fighting back tears as he ran his hand through the young man's hair. It would help no one if he started weeping. Perhaps there was a chance he could still get through to Severus, perhaps the boy could still hear him.. "If you die Severus, I will kill you. I love you son. I cannot lose you, not again. Not like this! Please, my dear child. Do not leave me here alone. You are my son, Severus. Without you, I am nothing." Albus whispered furiously.

-x-

_ "You have a choice to make Severus. You can return to your body and allow the healer to do his work, or you can die, leaving behind two men who clearly care very much about you." Nico stated dryly. He was a ghost and could not force the young man to choose correctly, but that did not mean he would be happy about this. It was only because the Veil was so thin tonight that the three of them could be here together. Otherwise, they would have only been able to sent one. Alone none of them stood a chance of convincing Severus that his life was not something to just throw away. But they were running out of time._

_ "If you love us Severus, you will live and honour our memory. You will love and make friends, treat others with respect, and learn to care for others again. If you truly still care about us, you will not join us just yet, because it is not your time. When it is your time, we will gladly welcome you with open arms. But tonight there are people who still need you, Severus, and you still have much to show the world. So much left to give." Lily added softly, turning pleading emerald eyes on her first best friend. _

_ "I...will I see any of you again?" Severus asked softly, staring down at Albus. The man had called him son. Had said he loved him. Both now and in the past. Albus looked hurt and Tim was...crying? The healer had tears streaming down his face, even as he kept up the pointless magic._

_ "He will keep going until your heart finally stops beating, Severus. He will drain himself because he cares for you." Nico sighed, also watching the healer. He had been a healer in life and he knew how difficult it was to lose a patient, especially at their own hand. _

_ "You will see us again, when it is your time. Until then, we will be in your memories and in your dreams. We are here, Severus." Mary tapped the young man's chest, shaking her head slightly. His form was becoming more stable. Another minute and there would be no reason for this conversation, for the young man would be dead._

_ "I won't lie to you, Severus. It will hurt, the pain will be overwhelming. But you are strong. You will manage it. You have a long journey of healing ahead of you, it will not be easy. Perhaps you will never stop harming yourself, and we...we can be alright with that. As long as you are alive and as long as you do not harm yourself over us. It will be okay Severus. We love you." Lily whispered. _

_ Severus hesitated, drinking in the faces of his three dead friends, before drifting slowly down toward his body. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. The next moment and he was gone._

_ "He did it." Mary whispered._

_ "Did you doubt our Potion's Master?" Nico asked, watching the healer closely. _

_ "For a moment, I thought he might choose death." Lily whispered. _

_ "So did I, so did I." Nico sighed, glancing behind him. "Once he is stable, we must go. We are needed somewhere else tonight." _

_ "Remus?" Mary asked._

_ "Quite. However, I do not believe he will kill himself. We owe him a visit." Nico nodded, turning back to the action below._

_-x-_

Tim closed his eyes, close to admitting defeat. There was no way he could save him. Severus was almost gone. He lessened his magic for a moment, hesitating. At least he could keep the pain away. But the sharp gasp below him made his eyes fly open. The boy was withering in pain, one hand grasping for his leg. Albus grabbed that hand, squeezing it hard. There was no sign that the boy was actually conscious, his subconscious was reaching to the pain that had knocked the child out. Tim strengthened his flow of magic, turning trained eyes to the cut. To his amazement the wound was slowly, but surely knitting itself together. There was still a lot of blood on all three of them and the ground, but the child had stopped bleeding and his heart steadied. He was not out of danger just yet, however. Tim pushed his magic through the young man's body, filling lungs and strengthening his heart beat. The wound healed and scabbed over. He did not have enough strength to completely heal the wound, but he had a balm that would do quite lovely. He reached into his robes, summoning the vials of potions to him. "If you will brace his back and hold his head up, I need to get this in him now." Tim requested. Albus did as told, watching with worn eyes as Tim gently poured several potions, one at a time, into Severus' mouth. Tim scanned the boy once more and sighed. He was safe now, for the moment being. Gods was he tired. "He is out of the woods. We can move him now." He whispered, closing his eyes briefly.

Albus merely nodded, glancing at the mess of blood. He frowned suddenly, gazing into the night sky. He could have sworn that he felt something, a presence, just a moment before. But now it was gone. "Angels must have been watching out for you Severus." He whispered, silently vanishing the blood, cleaning both himself and Tim. The healer had sagged against the stones. Perhaps it was time to call Poppy? "Tim?"

"I'm alright, Albus. I just need a minute. And some rest." Tim whispered, grimacing.

"More like an hour, a long nap, and a good meal." That remark had come from the door way. Filius strode onto the top of the tower. He had wondered why he felt called here, although it had taken him a bit of time to make it up all those stairs. He was no healer, but quite handy with charms. The half drawf turned sad eyes to the youngest man, no more than a child. His trousers had been banished at one point or another, to allow Tim better access to the wound. The large wound drew his eyes and he sighed. "He tried it properly, then. It's a miracle that he is still here. Perhaps his friends had something to do with that." He mused quietly, casting a feather-light charm on both Severus and the Healer.

Tim frowned, he had also felt a presence here tonight, but he had been more concern with saving the young man in front of him and not those who had gone before. But it was All Hallows Eve and the spirits of the dead often made visits on this night, usually in dreams. He had felt the spell but ignored it, trying to stand on legs that did not want to work. He gazed at the hurting young man, still unconscious, wishing that he could have prevented this. But he knew better. There was only so much he could do. Many of the decisions laid solely with Severus. The young man would not be happy when he woke up and found all of his freedom gone. A suicide attempt was serious and was considered as such here. Over the dozen years that he had been Albus' healer, he had been called to Hogwarts, by Poppy, to help with suicide watches. Students who attempted suicide were monitored closely, twenty-four hour observation, until they were considered stable enough to manage things like going to the bathroom on their own. It wasn't so much the risk that they would try again, but more likely that they would harm themselves if left alone. Some did attempt right after waking up, the system was in place to prevent it from happening. Severus would have a very hard day or two here at Hogwarts. He still had a few things left to do and needed to add another ward to the cottage. Which meant that the young man would have to be in the sights of trusted people at all times. Once at the cottage, he would be with him until he considered him stable enough.

"Don't move just yet, Tim." Filius ordered, helping Albus to stand. "Can you carry one of them?" He asked quietly. Albus merely nodded. Filius patted his arm gently, he knew how hard this was on the other man.

Albus scooped Severus up into his arms, holding the child tightly to his chest before starting slowly down the stairs. He paused however. "Can he floo, Tim?"

Tim hesitated. The wound was closed and the man stable, it should be alright. "Yes, just be careful, Albus." He knew there was a floo in the Astronomy classroom, which was much closer than Albus' office. Only a few flights of stairs.

Filius offered the young man a hand, pulling the healer easily to his feet. Without hesitation he quickly cast a levitation charm on the younger man. "You are in no shape to walk, young man. You drained yourself dry, saving our Severus. A warm meal, a bath, and bed for you. No arguing." He ordered sternly, floating the man slowly down the stairs.

Tim closed his eyes tightly. He hated this method of traveling. If he was quite honest with himself, and he always tried to be, he hated flying of all sorts. Heights...well, as long as he wasn't looking down he was fine. His mind had not even registered it was on the tower until Severus was properly healed. Thank the gods. "Yes sir." He muttered. He knew Filius quite well, from his time spent working with Albus. Filius had been a big help with getting Albus to a healthy place, mentally. Filius was the one who suggested that Albus speak with a mind-healer actually. He held deep respect for the older man, even if he did not have first hand experience with the man's dueling abilities and spell work.

Filius stopped at the nearest fireplace, lowering the cringing young man back to his feet, before grabbing hold of his arm and flooing them both to Albus' quarters. He pushed the young healer into the chair, a bit roughly, calling a house elf. The elf took one look at the healer and vanished, reappearing with a large tray of food and a tea tray. "Thank you, Melody. Could you prepare a second tea tray for Albus and Tim?" He smiled when the house elf grinned and popped away. "Eat, Tim." He ordered. "You will sleep in the guest room tonight. I will sit with Severus first." He moved toward Severus' room, not bothering to wait for an answer. Albus was sitting next to the bed, looking all of his hundred odd years.

Albus looked up, sighing. "I don't know what to do, Filius."He whispered.

"You do what you always do, Albus. You love him and care about him. Treat him as the son that you believe he is. Make he feel loved and wanted. He has to do the rest. He has to heal, we cannot heal for him, nor can we heal him completely. Tim has his work cut out for him. We all do. Go have some tea and rest for a while, Albus. I will sit with Severus for now. I will get you if he wakes up, but I do believe he will sleep through the night." Filius placed a gentle hand on the man's arm, watching him sharply.

Albus sighed, but nodded and stood. "You are right, of course. It was just...horrible to see him like that. So hurt, so broken. I love this child as my own. " He replied, more to himself than to Filius. He brushed the hair out of Severus' eyes, heading slowly toward the kitchen, although he often glanced back at the young man.

Filius sighed, leaving the door open so that the other two men would be more at ease. He settled into the comfortable chair, summoning a charms magazine from Albus' office. "So many people love you Severus. You just have to let them in." He whispered to the sleeping boy, catching the magazine with one hand and settling down to read for a few hours.


	12. Losing Control

A/n- _I still don't own. The day after Severus attempts to kill himself...I don't normally do fluffy but this is quite a bit angsty-fluffy toward the end. Tim starts to get fed up, Albus loses his temper, and Severus hides. Also, a pig named Maple. Enjoy. _

_~Case  
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Severus groaned, rolling over. With a grimace of pain he flipped back onto his back, eyes stilled closed. _What the hell? _There was so much pain in his leg, pain flowing freely throughout his entire body. His muscles were sore, his chest and lungs hurt.

"Alright there, Severus?" Filius asked, watching the younger man with concern. It was his second shift sitting with the child now. Classes were over for the day. The young man had been sleeping for nearly twenty hours, but Tim had said it was to be expected. He had been through this a few times with his Ravenclaws or at Poppy's request, Filius knew quite well that Severus would not take well to being watched, no one ever did.

Severus opened his eyes, shutting them quickly with a grimace. The light was way too bright just now. "I'm fine." He muttered.

"I'm sure you are." Filius chuckled, dimming the lights. He silently sent his Patronus to alert Albus and Tim that the child was finally awake. Hopefully, the healer would sleep for a bit longer. The poor man was exhausted still.

"What time is it?" Severus asked quietly, slowly opening his eyes again. It was much better this time, gentler on his eyes. He did not ask why Filius was there, he knew. After last night he would be surprised if Tim and Albus had left him alone at all.

"Just after eight at night."

He grimaced. He had been out for much longer than he thought. "How many know?" He whispered.

"Besides myself? Just three others. Albus and Tim, of course. Hagrid also knows, he sat with you a bit this morning." Filius replied calmly, watching the younger man closely. Severus was trying, and failing, to sit up. With a small twitch of his wand, the top of the bed rose up to support Severus' back and Filius reached over to steady the young man, ignoring his flinch. Hagrid had been a good choice to sit with Severus. The other man had taken to Severus when he was a mere boy, seeing in him what many could not. It was almost as if Hagrid had taken Severus in like one of his many hurting animals. The larger man had once described Severus as such, actually and had told Albus the exact same this morning, informing the Headmaster that he needed to take good care of Severus and that he was sure the headmaster could help the boy. Hagrid was much more intelligent than most would believe, he had a big heart and an enormous amount of kindness and compassion. Severus did not seem upset at all the Hagrid had sat with him, the boy merely nodded. Filius glanced toward the doorway as a sleepy healer appeared, gazing intently at his patient.

Tim stood in the doorway for a moment, surveying the younger man before cautiously entering the room. "Do you know where you are, Severus?" He asked quietly, dropping carelessly into the chair that Filius had conjured. He was still exhausted but he needed to make sure the young man was healing properly, physically at least.

"In Albus' quarters at Hogwarts." Severus grimaced, staring up at the ceiling. Standard questioning. He had done it with some of his Slytherins, usually the ones with concussions or who had fainted. "I didn't hit my head, Tim." He snarled.

"No, but you did lose oxygen to your brain for a short period. You also managed to severe an artery and cut into some of your muscles. I healed you as much as I could, but your leg needs to finish healing the natural way." Tim stated dryly, scooting a bit closer to the bed. He pushed the blankets aside and gently pulled Severus leg onto his lap. Filius was back in his own chair, ignoring them and reading still.

Severus scowled, trying to wrench his leg away. But Tim merely tightened his grip, not that Severus could move it much anyway. Merlin it hurt! He did suddenly realize that he was only wearing boxers and a tank top. Severus fought back a blush, glaring at Tim and still fighting.

Tim frowned at the younger man. "Be still Severus." He warned quietly. He knew it was not a desired position to be in but he was quite tired of Severus fighting him every step of the way. The young man ignored his warning, pulling and twisting his body, trying to free his leg. _If he doesn't stop, __he will do more damage to his leg._ He sighed, grasping the boy's leg firmly. When the younger man kept fighting him, he smacked Severus thigh lightly. Hard enough to cause a slight sting, light enough to not even redden the skin. He was not trying to hurt the child, or would he ever, he only wanted to grab his attention and it seemed to work. "Behave." He ordered sternly.

Severus stilled instantly. _I am not a child!_ But he was acting like one and Poppy would have smacked him much sooner than Tim had. He bit the inside of his cheek, trying to contain his blush. He was very aware that Filius had looked up and was watching them. Severus huffed, finally allowing Tim to draw his leg gently onto his lap. To his surprise, his leg was wrapped.

Tim ran his hand over the wrap, removing the protection spell that would keep the wrap from being messed with. He unwrapped the boy's leg quickly, trying to be gentle about it. But if Severus did not complain about the pain, he could not give him much for it. He sent a bit of relaxing magic into the child's leg, soothing the aching muscles. Severus was going to have a hard time of it when he realized that he might need a cane for a while. His leg had to heal the natural way and his muscles needed to rebuild strength. The hurting young man in front of him had done much damage to himself.

-x-

Severus glared at Albus, pushing the tray away once more. He was not hungry! Why couldn't the damn man get that?

"Your body needs food Severus. Please at least try it." Albus pleaded. He was getting frustrated. It had been a taxing day, much of which he had spent doing his work in the corner of this room, to keep an eye on the young man. Now that Severus was awake and Filius had taken Tim back to bed, it was his watch. Nearly midnight and the young man just would not eat!

"Fuck off Albus!" He snarled. Damn. Had he really said that aloud? If Albus' angry expression was anything to go by, he had.

"Damn it Severus." Albus snapped, slamming his hand down on the table. The younger man flinched and he closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. He had to calm down. Tim was asleep in the next room and he did not want to wake the healer. Tim would probably fuss at both of them. He opened his eyes, steadying himself for an argument and frowned. Severus had pushed himself off the bed and was gone. Gone. How the hell did he miss that? "Point me Severus!" He muttered, frowning when his wand pointed toward under the bed. There was no way a grown man was crawling under the bed. Albus crouched down, sighing. He was too old to kneel on the floor. "Severus?" He called quietly, casting a silent Lumos. There was nothing under the bed. Nothing except for a small red fox, cowering in the corner.

Severus had transformed on instinct, his flight mode coming back full force. It had been a long time since he had last been reminded so clearly of his father. He knew, deep down, that Albus would not hurt him but his mind was trapped in the past. He whimpered when Albus' large shadow peered at him. His mind acted on instinct. Since he was a fox, his mind acted like that of a fox. He took off, racing into the next room. The doors were all locked and warded, he could not escape. So the little fox dove under the nearest chair, quivering.

_Bloody hell._ He shouldn't have raised his voice, he knew that. He rarely did but he was so frustrated and now Severus was hiding under a chair. It was Severus in a way but it also was not Severus. His animagus form would act purely on instinct and he knew that the fox would not trust him very much. Because although Severus was starting to trust him, he was not there yet. He was still afraid. Perhaps he should wake Tim. Albus sighed, sitting down on a low footstool. "It's alright Severus. I won't hurt you. I am sorry that I scared you. I did not mean to. Will you please come out?" He coaxed quietly. The red fox made no sound, shaking under the chair. Albus shook his head sadly, standing and striding to one of the closed doors. He kept an eye on the little fox as he knocked on the door. It took a few minutes but a disgruntled Tim opened the door, dressed in his pajamas. The little pig behind him opened an eye, snorting.

"It's alright Maple. Go back to sleep." Tim muttered, stepping out of the room and raising an eyebrow. "What happened?" He asked sharply.

"I believe I scared Severus. He is hiding under that chair, as a little fox." Albus murmured, eyes on the armchair.

"He's an animagus then." Tim muttered, mostly to himself, going to crouch down next to the armchair. "Severus? Can you hear me little one? Come out now. It's safe." He called quietly, knowing that the fox's keen sense of hearing would pick up his soft words.

The fox crawled forward on his belly, dragging his right leg a bit. It hurt and he could not get the muscles to work right. The man's voice sounded familiar and kind. Soothing even. Like he would be a man who might help a hurt animal. And he smelled funny. The sharp smell of antiseptics, the clean scent of mint, and a hint of...pig? He crawled forward until his head could just peer out a bit, eyeing the strange man cautiously. His smell was much different from that of the other man. The one who smelled like lemons and parchment.

"Hello there. Would you like to come out? I will not harm you. You are safe now." Tim asked gently, letting his hand hang down near the little red fox.

The fox sniffed at Tim's hand and then slowly pushed his head against it. The man had frozen briefly but slowly scratched his head, between his ears. He crawled the rest of the way out, sniffing at the man. The man had finally sat down on the floor, still rubbing his head. He slowly crept forward, limping, and crawled into the man's lap.

Tim smiled down at the little fox, murmuring smoothing words. He had a feeling that Severus would not change back tonight, did not need to change back tonight. The young man needed rest and a bit of peace. If this form gave that to him, then so be it. He ran his hands gently across the fox's back, stopping when the young fox whimpered. His hands had discovered a series of scars. The one across his spine looked much like the one that he had glimpsed on Severus' back. The three long scars across his ribs were different, more raw. Much like just healed wound, or wounds that might never heal. He knew instantly that these were not physical scars but a reflection of all the hurt Severus suffered. This form was scarred because his human heart was. He gazed sadly down at the little fox, quickly making up his mind. "Would you like to spend the night with me? I have a little pig but she will not bother you." Tim asked gently. The fox merely yipped, nuzzling against him. "Alright little one. I'm going to carry you, is that alright?"

In response the little fox crawled closer to him, curling up in his lap. He felt safe with this human, in a way that he did not completely understand. That annoying voice at the back of his head, the one that sounded like a man, was muttering that this man had never harmed them. He supposed he should trust that voice, but he trusted his instincts more and he knew that the man would take good care of him.

Tim gather Severus in his arms, standing slowly and a bit unsteadily. He gathered his balance and turned toward the guest room. Albus was standing that, the sadness and guilt clear on his face.

"Tim...will he be alright?" Albus asked softly. It hurt that Severus would not come to him, but it hurt even more that he had hurt his child once again.

"With time, yes. Healing takes time Albus. This was not completely unexpected. Now get some sleep, this little guy shall be spending the night with me." Tim sighed, walking past the older man. He stopped suddenly, moving his arms a bit so that one hand was free. The little fox was watching him wearily, but he knew that Albus needed him too. He reached out a hand, resting it gently on the older man's shoulder. "He will be alright one day Albus. You are doing your best. We will talk about this in the morning. Now go rest please. I'm sure Filius will come and keep you company if you ask." His tone was softer this time and he let a bit of calming magic flow into the man. Albus merely nodded, whispering his thanks and opened the door to the room, so that Tim did not have to adjust Severus again. Tim strode into the room, pushing the door shut behind him. Maple lifted her head off the bed, snuffling. He knew she could smell the fox, so he lower the little creature near Maple, who merely snorted and went back to sleep. "You can sleep here little one." He whispered softly, setting the fox down on one of the pillows. It moved slowly, creeping toward Maple.

Maple opened one eye, giving the kit a silent warning. The little fox merely yipped. She sniffed again, realizing quickly that this was no real fox. She was nearly in her adult stage, but this little fox was not. She finally gave in, snorting her agreement. Perhaps her human could help this little creature.

The fox eagerly crept forward, going to curl up next to the larger pig. She was at least twice his size, but her presence on the large bed was comforting. He heard the human chuckle and felt the bed move as the man laid down on the other side. He felt safe. Truly safe.


	13. Crying Out

_A/N-_ _Do not own. I stole the spell from SecretSongbird, because it was the only one I could find that I actually liked. And it sounded prettier than the German I tried and the Latin I found. It is also Latin. Yes, this is very late. I apologize. My job is very physically demanding and I've been too tired to write. Tim decides that Severus needs discipline and guidelines. Enjoy. Italics are thoughts, x's are scene breaks! Let me know what you think. _

_~Case  
><em>

-x-

The little fox yawned, blinking bleary eyes. The funny-smelling man had gotten up and started to put on more fur. There was a bit of light coming through the curtains, the sun must be up. He yipped quietly, lying back down.

Tim gazed at the small bundle on the bed. He did not want to leave Severus alone, even in this form, but he had a few last-minute errands to run before they could move the young man into the cottage. They would move in there this afternoon, so he needed to get everything set. He would have to find someone to watch Severus, he was not sure if Albus could do it. But at the moment, the fox was going back to sleep and Maple would keep an eye on him.

It had not taken long to explain to Hagrid what had happened. The gentle giant had instantly agreed to take Severus and Maple to his hut for the day. Which had given him enough time to finish setting the wards for Severus and getting the cottage ready. Now he just needed to speak with Albus. Tim sighed, he was not looking forward to that. Not at all.

-x-

Albus paced, stopping occasionally to stare out over the grounds. He could go out on his walkway, spelled to be invisible from everyone else. It gave him a vantage point, the ability to walk above the grounds, observe everything. But at the moment he would rather just watch this small slice of the grounds. He could barely see Hagrid's hut from this window, but he knew his boy was down there. The child had not changed back yet. He feared that Severus might decide to just stay in that form. That would be...disastrous. He did not know how to help his boy, it was frustrating.

Tim entered Albus' office silently, knowing that the older man was expecting him. Albus was wearing a path in his hideous yellow rug, pacing in front of one of his windows. He wondered briefly how long the man had been doing this but decided quickly that it was not the most important thing to discuss. He strode to the comfortable armchairs in the corner of the room, dropping gracefully into his usual chair. He propped his elbows on his knees, waiting. Just waiting. Albus would sit down when he was ready to discuss this and not before.

Albus sighed, wishing that Tim would yell or scold or say _something. _But no, the damn healer was just waiting calmly for him to finish pacing. He couldn't have found a healer that actually asked questions. Oh no, he had to get one that waited for him to speak before saying anything. Damn healer. He finally scowled at the man, the twinkle gone from his eyes, as he settled into the other armchair with ease. "It is my fault."

"You scared him Albus. You did not expect him to react this way. He would have transformed eventually, when he felt fear. Your actions probably triggered a memory and that is why he transformed." Tim sighed, shaking his head. Albus was at fault, partially. But he had no way of knowing how Severus would react. However, he should not have lost his temper to begin with.

"I did not mean to react in such a way. I was frustrated, Tim. He would not even attempt to eat! And then he had the gull to curse at me! I lost my temper. I did not mean to slam my hand down on that table, nor to snap at him. I will apologize to him when he is ready to hear it." Albus frowned, watching the healer. He knew that he should not had lost his temper, but the child was infuriating! Perhaps he should have had a better response, but he had been tired. He was tired. He felt so old and helpless today. He just...did not know how to help Severus. Not at all.

Ah. Well that explained more than it didn't. He knew well that Severus could be quite difficult, but the young man was hurting and he acted out because of that. Tim had seen many children and young adults over the years; often they acted out because they did not know how to handle what was going on. Especially if their coping mechanism had been taken away, as Severus had. Behaviour often became worse after suicide attempts. He should have warned Albus but he had forgotten. He had just been so damn tired and drained. "He has an eating disorder, Albus. He will fight us on food, because at the moment that is all that he can control. And Severus craves control, just as much as you crave lemon drops. He needs us to be there to support and guide him." Tim paused for a moment, contemplating his next thought. Severus needed boundaries and rules, guidelines if you will. Many of his younger clients needed clear rules. Severus was still young, rules might actually help him. "Severus needs structure Albus. Perhaps we will be able to give him a better stable, structured environment. He needs rules and consequences. " He remarked quietly, nodding to himself. He had seen as much the day before, when the child was fighting him. A small consequence to his actions, a brief smack, had quickly caused him to behave. Consequences were good, rewards would be good too, to encourage good behaviour. Hm.

Albus raised an eyebrow, considering the idea for a moment. Severus was not, technically, a child. He was in his early twenties, but perhaps if they set rules for him it would make the boy feel safer. Rules with consequence would not just ensure his behaviour, but allow for him to know the consequences for his actions. Perhaps then the child would not be afraid of being beaten or tortured, if he just knew what to expect from them. It was a good idea, actually. A very good idea.

-x-

Tim sighed, watching the small little fox. The boy needed to change back. Of course, he could just floo with the child as he was. But he did not want to shock or scare Severus. "Please, little one. Can you change back for me? Or would you rather floo like that? We need to leave soon. We are going to a cottage by the sea, with plenty of room to run and play. I will protect you and keep you safe." He stated softly,his voice calm and gentle. It would not do to scare Severus, especially in this form. The little fox merely yipped, coming to paw at his leg. He was clearly trusted but the young man still did not feel safe enough to change back. Perhaps a change of scenery would help. With that last thought, he picked Severus up, cradling the little fox gently. The fox merely snuffled him, relaxing in his arms. Tim smiled down at the little animal, before stepping into the floo and disappearing with the child.

-x-

He set the fox down once he had stepped out of the floo. The three-story cottage was beautiful and homely, but not something that a sneaky animal would appreciate, nor something that the young potions master was likely to care about. At least at first.

The little red fox sniffed around the room they had appeared in, ignoring the larger pig the was sleeping near the fireplace. It smelled like the old human's apartment but it also smelled..cleaner, crisper. Safer. For safe was a smell, to his nose at least. The grumpy voice in the back at his mind was finally at ease, allowing the animal instincts to relax. Slowly he allowed the Grumpy man to take back over, even as he was still chewing on the chair leg. When the kindly human did not stop him, the grumpy voice relaxed further, easing limps from this form to another.

Severus groaned, wishing briefly that his form was not that of a fox. Small, cunning, sharp creatures they were, but it was a bit undignified to be sitting on the floor like this. Tim had dropped into a chair, so he was not towering over him. His mind had calmed down quickly at Hagrid's and he had felt much safer with time. Now that his memories were locked away once more, for the moment being, he was perfectly capable of being here. Where 'here' was. "Where are we?" He snarled.

"Welcome back, Severus. This is Seaside Cottage. Your home for the near future."Tim replied calmed, watching the young man carefully. "Why don't you take a chair, we have much to discuss." He added, raising an eyebrow at the child. The doors in and out of this room, as well as the floo, had already been warded. Severus was not leaving this room until they talked, and then he was not going to be alone. He was still on suicide watch, the boy would not be left alone at all. He even had a few staff members offering to help him out from time to time.

Severus grumbled under his breath, but managed to pull himself to his feet. He hesitated briefly before dropping into the nearest chair. His leg was sore and painful, it hurt to move it very much. "Are we still in Scotland?" He asked warily. He really did want to get away from Hogwarts for a while but he was not stupid enough to believe that Albus would truly leave him alone. He knew that Tim would not leave him, not after...what happened on Halloween.

"No, we are not in Scotland. We are on the Continent. I am not sure of our exact location, but somewhere near the border of the Netherlands and Germany."

Severus sneered. Well it was far away from Albus then. But probably not far enough. Somewhere near the border of the Netherlands and Germany? So were they in Germany or the Netherlands? Or were they in a third country? A healer who could not even pinpoint their location! Well! His faith in humanity had been restored. He glared at the healer for a moment, before turning to sneer at the wall. He was tired, so tired. And he did not want to talk, not at all.

"I believe it is time that we set some rules and guidelines, Severus." Tim remarked, raising an eyebrow at the younger man.

Severus merely snorted. "I am an adult. I do not need rules." He hissed.

"You do. Hear me out please." Tim held up his hand, forestalling the other man's outburst. It would come, he knew that, but he needed to explain first. "You are still young Severus. And you are a danger to yourself. Therefore, at this moment in time, you are not, legally, capable of taking care of yourself without doing harm. If you were in a treatment centre or a hospital, it would be the same. There will be rules and consequences, as well as rewards. You will heed Albus and myself, Severus." He scolded quietly, never once losing his calm outer demeanor.

"And if I refuse?" He snarled.

"Then there will be consequences. You must realize that we will never send you away, Severus. You are my patient and Albus considers you to be his child. We will not send you away, nor will we hit you in anger. You will not be beaten or tortured here." Tim replied softly, his fingers itching with calming magic. The young man was breathing hard but had started to calm down on his own.

"And what are these consequences?" Severus growled softly, forcing his mind to block everything else. He was not a child! _At least there will be no beatings here. Or so he says. I doubt he will follow that promise, no one ever does._ He groused silently, knowing full well that promises were easily broken.

Of course the child would ask for the consequences and not the rules. If he had not known that he was dealing with an abused child, that would have been a sure sign. "The consequences vary, depending upon the misbehaviour. Minor misdeeds will be treated as such, serious ones will have more severe consequences. Swearing is not something that I appreciate, nor does Albus. Swearing at anyone will result in your mouth being washed out. Swearing in general will usually result in a warning. If that warning is ignore, it will also result in a soapy mouth." Tim paused briefly, surveying the young man who was glaring daggers at him.

"Putting yourself in danger will result in a severe consequence. Lying is not tolerated, Severus. It will also result in restriction to your room or quarters. Restriction usually will consist of an earlier bedtime, no brewing or library usage, no leaving the cottage, or if we are at Hogwarts, your quarters, without either Albus or myself. While on restriction, you will also have to check in with me every day. Few misdeeds will earn you a severe restriction, putting yourself in danger or intentionally harming someone else are two serious offenses and require serious consequences. At other times you might merely be banned from the library or brewing, sent to your room to think, sent to bed early, or perhaps even with lines. I will not hesitate to send you to a corner, if need be. Keeping your temper and attitude in check will drastically reduce any chance of earning a restriction. There are only three misdeeds that will result in a smack. Understand that I said _a_ smack, you will never be beaten here, Severus. If you fight me when I am trying to heal you, as you have learned, I will pop you. Albus has added that if you _ever_ put your life in danger, he _will_ smack you for it. Your life is too important to be put on the line. And no Severus, that does not mean your self harm. We will not discipline you for harming yourself. The only other reason you would ever get popped here is for direct disobedience or an unchanging attitude." Tim finished quietly, watching the young man's expression for a reaction. Severus did not disappoint.

"I am not a _bloody_ child! I will not be treated like one!" He roared. A smacking! For putting himself in danger? Was the old fool crazy? It was his life! He could endanger it as he wished. He did not like the thought of being banned from brewing either. Evil gits. He was not a damn child!

The rules and consequences were not even that severe or strict. There was much wiggle room there and discretion of the person issuing the consequences. In essence the child would be grounded, basically, or have his mouth washed out. They would rarely smack him, only for serious offenses, and one smack was not the end of the world. Tim was half tempted to put the young man in a corner. If his behaviour got worse, he surely would. "You are a young adult, Severus. Old enough to make good choices and yet young enough to still need correction and guidance. That is what we are here for. Rules and consequences will make things easier for all three of us. It will allow you to know exactly what to expect from us, instead of fearing that we might hurt you. We will never hurt you. I will never hurt you, Severus. I am here to help you, if you would just let me." He responded quietly, frowning at the man.

_Does nothing bother him? _"Just leave me the fuck alone!" Severus snapped, jumping to his feet and storming, well limping anyway, to the door, only to find that he could not leave. "Let me out." He hissed.

Tim merely raised an eyebrow at him. "Language, please." He requested softly.

Severus paced, his rage growing more and more. He wanted out. Now. He was not some disobedient child nor was he a flight risk! Alright, perhaps he was a flight risk...but still. That wasn't the point! He was angry and tired, his leg hurt horribly and he was limping badly in his bitter pacing. "Fuck off!" He finally snarled, kicking one of the chairs with his foot, the one that was already hurting as it was. He swore violently, gasping in pain.

"Enough. Sit down and let me tend to your leg before you cause more harm to yourself. "Tim ordered sternly, standing and moving toward the foolish child. Severus flinched back but slowly sat down, glaring at the older man. Tim merely ignored him, summoning the footstool. He sat down upon it, drawing the younger man's leg into his lap. "Be still, Severus." He warned, raising an eyebrow at the squirming young man. The child did not fight him for long, he was in too much pain to do so. Tim closed his eyes, letting his magic drop into the leg. He gently pushed the boy's trouser leg up, turning critical brown eyes on the slowly healing limb. He examined the wound for a moment, gently tapping his wand to it. He muttered a soft bit of Latin, scouring the wound of infection, before summoning a balm and wrap from the leg. With careful hands he rubbed a healing balm over the scabbing wound, before wrapping it with the gauze. He waved his wand over the gauze, spelling it to only be able to be removed by him and to stay clean and dry. With a sigh, he turned his eyes back to the child. "Look at me, Severus." He ordered softly.

Severus looked up, squirming slightly. Tim had yet to release his leg and he had been listening when the man was speaking early, even if he had not be quite happy about it. He raised an eyebrow at the older man, glaring at him when the man merely raised an eyebrow of his own. "Yes sir?" He growled.

"Attitude. Lose it now." Tim warned. The young man needed to realize quickly that he was not just all words. He did follow through with his warnings, otherwise half of his patients would have tried to get away with murder, literally, and he wouldn't put it past Severus to be one of those. "I warned you about the swearing, Severus. I also believe that you are in need of a time out. First, however, are you familiar with mouth-soaping spells?" He asked firmly, quirking an eyebrow at the child. If he remembered correctly, the boy's father was a muggle, although he would bet that Severus had learned some of his more colourful phrases from his bastard of a father.

Severus glared down at his lap. Of course he knew of soap spells. He had used them, once or twice, on some of his more...vulgar students. That did not mean he liked them being used on him, at all. And time out? Was he five? "Yes sir." He muttered finally, not looking up at the older man.

"Very well then. Tersus os." Tim murmured, merely waving his hand. This was one of the first spells his mentor had taught him to use wandlessly and non-verbal. He preferred to use it verbally, it kept the miscreants from being frightened or shocked by it. He let the spell last for two minutes before canceling it, handing the sputtering, coughing young man a glass of water.

Severus took a slow sip of the water, trying to rinse the horrible taste out of his mouth. Yuck. He hated that spell the first time he felt it, when he was younger, and he still hated it. It made him feel very much like a naughty school boy. He finally set the glass down, glaring at the healer. He was not going to-

"Corner. Now." Tim ordered quietly. The child would do well to realize that while he might be gentle and calm, he was not above disciplining his charges when they needed it, as Severus did. He was not going to let the child get away with murder, nor was he going to let the boy shut down again. No, he was going to help this child, even if it meant he had to be strict.

Severus huff and glared at the older man. He would not go! He was not a child. But when Tim raised an eyebrow at him, he huffed again, standing and limping toward the corner. His damn leg! He stumbled but a strong hand caught him, hauling him back upright with gentle ease. Tim merely steered him to the corner, helping him to rest against the wall, before leaving him alone. He hated this. He was not some damn child! He should not be standing in the corner! Contemplating his 'behaviour'. He hadn't done anything! He huffed, glaring at the wall. Stupid wall. _I am not a child. I did nothing! Well, besides swearing at him!And screaming...and kicking the chair. Damn. Fine, I threw a very minor tantrum. But I'm not a child! _

Tim had settle into a nearby chair, close enough to reach the young man if he started to fall. He had not wanted to stick the child in a corner, not with his leg like that, but he knew he had to follow through with his warnings. As it was, twenty minutes was nearly up and Severus had finally seemed to relax into the wall, perhaps he had accepted that his behaviour was unacceptable and unwarranted. He was twenty-one, not four. Kicking chairs and yelling was not a good way to get his point across. Tim smiled slightly at the young man, knowing that he could not see him. He had grown quite fond of this child, he did not want to see him hurting so. He just wanted to help the child, if the boy would just let him.

Severus suppressed a groan, turning slightly at the gentle tap on his shoulder. He had not flinched, but then he had heard the healer's soft call before Tim had tapped his shoulder. He glared at his feet, slightly unsteady on them. The muscles in his leg hurt, quite a bit. "I'm sorry." He muttered, without any prompting. He didn't need it. He was not a child, after all. He knew his behaviour had been...undesirable.

Tim smiled softly at the younger man, placing his fingers under the child's chin and pushing up gently. When Severus finally met his eyes, his smile widened. "Good boy. It's alright." He murmured softly, opening his arms up. He knew it was unlikely, but perhaps...

Severus hesitated but quickly fell into the older man's arms, stiffening briefly when they closed around him. He buried his head of Tim's shoulder and enjoyed the hug and feeling of...relief for a few minutes before finally pulling away. Tim released him from the hug with a grin, but kept an arm around him, leading him gently back to his chair. Severus sank gratefully into it, his body was shaking from standing for so long, smirking as the older man brought over a chess board and summoned a tea-tray. Now this he could do.

Tim merely grinned, placing the footstool where the child could rest his leg back on it. The boy had a long path still ahead, but perhaps today was the minor breakthrough that they needed. He could only hope.


	14. A Few Small Bruises

A/N_- Short, yes. Important? Yes. Still do not own. Still AU and non-canon complaint. A small disclaimer, I am absolutely pants at chess. So any methods invoked in this might not actually exist nor would I try them in a real game. Cards however...:D Severus is under Suicide Watch in this, which if you had ever been under, is quite unpleasant. To the person, a while back, who commented the Severus sounded Anemic, he probably is. I know many cannot see any of this, the therapy, the illnesses, any thing, as real. But most of it is based on my own experieces. My experience with Anorexia, in particular, and the very long recovery that I'm still own from it, is written into Severus' story. Anyway, rambles done. Enjoy. And review. Please. Use your words. _

_~Case  
><em>

-x-

Severus glared over his cauldron at the man who was lounging in a chair with a book. The damn healer did not even look up. He was just happy that he was allowed to brew, even if he was still under watch. Granted, it had only been twenty-four hours since they had arrived. Twenty-four hours of no privacy, none. It was frustrating and humiliating and irritating. He knew, of course, that it could be much worse. At least he could brew in this fine, well stocked, _beautiful_ lab. He had this feeling, in the deep recesses of his mind, the part he tried desperately to ignore, that Albus had added this new lab just for him. The supplies were not limitless, but there was plenty for experimenting and creating. As well as the new journal he had found in one of the cabinets early, the one with his initials engraved in the cover. It was for potion notes and recipes, unlike the journal Tim had given him the night before, the journal for his 'thoughts and whatever he felt he couldn't speak of'. Hmpf. He preferred the potions journal, it actually had a purpose.

Tim glanced up from his book, watching the younger man briefly. Severus seemed happy here, brewing. He had allowed it only because he knew that the younger man was getting agitated and he knew that brewing was relaxing for the man. Hagrid had spelled him briefly this morning, so he could run by his practice and pick up Maple's feed. The two hours without the young man had been calm and quite...irritating. He would much rather be working with his patients, that being Severus currently, than have so much...down time. But the young man was not yet ready to talk, although he would try again in a few hours, when Severus finished brewing. He watched him for a moment longer, Tim was quite fascinated by potions, before returning his attention to the boring drivel in his lap. Who new the latest psychological studies could be so dry and dull?

-x-

Severus stared at the chess board for several moments before finally moving one of his pawns. He had chosen to be black, of course. Black went second, which was a bit more defensive, but much easier to make offensive if he could spot his opponents plan from the start. Tim was, however, a strong opponent, one who was watching _him_ as much as he was watching the chess board. A muggle chess board, actually. Much more manual, discreet. Less sharp pieces flying about, apparently. He liked muggle chess sets better anyway, they weren't as brutal as wizarding chess and they lasted longer. It was also calming, chess. Nearly as calming as brewing. It was, perhaps, the calmest he had felt since Halloween, today was. But calm did not mean he was willing to talk. Nor did it mean that he did not want to harm himself. He did. He just had to get away from Tim first, which was a bit hard at the moment. Being watched constantly did not make him happy, but he did understand the point of it.

Tim contemplated his next move for a brief moment, slowly reaching toward his knight. "I believe we need to speak about what happened, Severus." He stated quietly, moving the piece swiftly and capturing one of Severus' pawns. What the young man didn't know, of course, was that playing chess or cards was a good therapy tool. It was relaxing and made the atmosphere non-threatening, making it much more likely that a person would open up, although it did not always work out that way.

Severus glared at his chess pieces, mentally running through the moves in his head. Tim was good, for someone who wasn't paying much attention to the game. He picked up a bishop briefly before setting it back down. "I do not know of what you speak." He scowled at Tim's knight, deciding to ignore the piece for the moment being. He finally settled on moving his own knight, quickly removing a white bishop.

Tim surveyed the board, tapping his fingers on his knee. _Of course not. _"Well..."He drawled, shifting his eyes to the young man. Severus met his eyes for a few moments before looking back at the board. "Halloween night, for one. The night after, when you decided to transform and stay in that form, for another." He moved a pawn finally. He knew, to the younger man, that it looked like he was moving pieces randomly. It was, however, part of his strategy. Sometimes it was necessary to sacrifice a piece for the benefit of another. But that was chess and not reality. In life, people were not pawns to be sacrificed, not to him.

He froze, glaring down at the board. He would not talk about this. Not now. Not ever. He quickly swiped Tim's knight, causing the older man to raise an eyebrow. He leaned back, picking up his mug of tea. "Your move." He barked, raising an eyebrow of his own.

So he had seen through his strategy. _Hm, interesting._ "I would like an answer, Severus." Tim sighed, brushing his brown hair away from his eyes. It was a habit, one that he had never been able to break. He just didn't like hair touching his face. But then, everyone had habits like that. Even the young man in front of him. He moved his remaining bishop and lifted his gaze to meet dark orbs.

"Sod off." He snarled, taking the man's other knight. He smirked at the board, clearly winning this round.

"I'd rather not, actually." Tim replied calmly, quickly surveying the game. He could still save his game, if he chose to. But he wasn't really that interested in the game of chess. At least, not the one on the board. Talking with Severus was much like playing mental chess. He finally settled for lengthening the game and moved a pawn expertly into place.

Severus glanced at the pawn and waved it off as unimportant. There was not much a pawn could do, after all. Tim was...irritating. He was too damn calm, even for a healer. Compliance would neither help nor hurt at this point; he was stuck with the damn man either way. He moved his castle into strike position, quickly plotting the next few steps in his mind. "Fine." He growled, not even looking up from his scrutiny of the board.

Tim merely raised an eyebrow, glancing at the young man before turning his attention back to the board. "Fine?" He moved his pawn forward once more. Closer now, so much closer. He could still save some face, hopefully.

"Yes, fine. I'll answer your cursed questions." Severus drawl sarcastically, once more ignoring the pawn. One swipe of his rook and he took Tim's final bishop. The man was nearly out of his good pieces. Good. It would not be hard to win from here.

"Ah." Tim moved the pawn again, using it to take a knight. He bit back a smirk at Severus' frown. Clearly, the younger man had not been expecting that. He could do a lot of damage with a pawn or two.

Severus scowled at the board, trying to find the man's strategy and failing to. It didn't seem like Tim had a strategy anymore. Huh. "I was not myself...that night with Albus." He remarked finally. A simple sentence, but it had been a hard one. If he was honest with himself, and he prided himself on his stark honesty, he had been a bit...frightened. But not of Albus. Of something from his past, something that he thought he was long past, free from. Clearly not.

"Were you afraid of something, Severus?" _Or someone._ He raised an eyebrow at the boy, letting go the fact that he had not mentioned Halloween. They would talk about it eventually, but chances were that he was just not ready for it yet. He moved another pawn, taking a bishop with it. Oh how he loved these little pieces that most people overlooked and discounted! They remained him much of some of his patients. Including the one sitting with him now. Ignored, discounted, overlooked, abandoned. Harmed by many and loved by few. And yet those few were often the ones who could do the most good, or the most harm. He was hoping that they would be able to do good for Severus, to help heal the broken parts inside of the young man. To rebuild him so that he was the brilliant, sarcastic, witty, kind young man that he could be, when he was not struggling to deal with the pain on his own. But to teach such a stubborn man to open up and let him in...it was a task that he took on with care, hard work, and trust. Trust was the key here. Severus had to trust him, and to trust himself, before he could start to heal completely. Because to let someone inside, to drop those outer barriers and let them know the true you, that took insurmountable trust.

Dark orbs narrowed at the pawn. Pawns were normally useless, pieces that could become something else if necessary but often sacrificed for a strategy. A game of chess could not be won with a sole pawn, but it could make things quite interesting. Or divert his attention away from the remaining strong pieces to go after a silly pawn. Severus scowled at the board, checking every piece in his mind. His remaining castle was in a good spot, but his bishop was in the line of danger from those stupid pawns. He moved it quickly, taking a pawn with ease. "I...Yes." He replied finally, eyes still studying the board. He would win unless Tim had a miracle, or ten, up his sleeves.

"What were you afraid of?" Tim asked quietly, watching the young man for a moment before moving his own castle. He did still have one left, after all. One castle, three pawns, and a king. He could still win, if he was playing an average player anyways. Severus was not average, he was extremely talented at chess.

Severus hesitated, moving his bishop into a good position. It was not an easy question, nor was it a simple answer. What was he afraid of? Or rather, who? Who tormented him and occupied many of his nightmares? Surprisingly, it was not the Dark Lord. "Father." He murmured, glancing up to meet the older man's eyes briefly. This was not a subject that he spoke about, nor was it a subject he particularly liked to think about.

"When Albus reacted in temper, you thought he was your father?" Tim asked quietly, watching the young man completely now. He ignore the game for the moment, this was more important. Flashbacks were not uncommon amongst those who had traumatic experiences or who had been abused. Severus, perhaps, had flashbacks to both abuse and trauma.

He stared at his hands for a moment. He knew that the game was now paused and would be until Tim had his answers. _Why did I have to speak! Damn this._ He took a deep breath, sorting through the events in his head. When Albus had gotten angry, he had suddenly thought he was with his father. If he remember correctly, from his summer training, that was called a flashback. It was like living the scene again, but this time it was completely in his mind and he had shut down to protect himself, by transforming into his fox form. "Yes. I...He..." He trailed off, biting his lip. He did not like to speak of this, not at all.

Tim was silent, observing the young man with care. His fingers itched with magic but he ignored it, for now. Severus needed to get here on his own, but it might not be possible yet. He just had to wait and see.

Severus looked up as the silence drew on. Tim was merely watching him, as calmly as ever. But there was a spark of something in those brown eyes. Something that looked like concern. He realized quickly that the man was waiting for him to speak. And he knew that if he decided not to, Tim would accept it, for the moment at least. But the battle in his mind, the _need_ to let it out, was too much. "I... He used to drink a lot, father did. He would stumble in drunk most nights, not that he was decent when he was not drunk. If anything else, he was worse. But I...I was not good at being quiet and staying out-of-the-way. I breathed too loudly or spoke back or made a noise. I was afraid of Albus...because in his reactions he remained me of my father, right before he would hit me. I know Albus would not...harm me, but..." He trailed off again, looking up once more. He met Tim's eyes, this time not looking away.

"Thank you for telling me, Severus. I know it must have been difficult to do so. Your father, however, will never harm you again. I know that will not cause your flashbacks and nightmares to disappear, but know that you are safe with us." Tim responded quietly, eyeing him for a moment before moving his rook. The younger man was not completely calm, but he was also not in danger of having an anxiety attack or breaking down. He seemed much more in control, at the moment. Being able to tell what he wished on his own, even if not own his own terms just yet, but without prompting, helped. It did not dredge up his worse memories. "Gigi!" Tim called suddenly. The elf popped in, merely staring at him. "Two hot chocolates, please." He requested.

"Yes Master Healer Tim!" Gigi grinned, popping away. Two mugs of hot chocolate popped into the room a minute later.

Severus frowned at the board, taking a deep, calming breath. He, amazingly, felt a bit better. Not much, but it was like a small bit of weight had been lifted. He knew, however, that if he tried bringing up more memories of his father, even just within his mind, that he would not be able to manage it. It was...overwhelming at times. Which was why it was usually locked deep beneath layers of shields. Talking was...difficult and taxing, but it did help. At least a bit. Not that he would ever admit that to Tim and not that he would stop fighting with the healer. He still needed control and he still had his secrets that he would rather take to the grave with him. He scowled at his thoughts briefly before smirking at the board. He moved his queen, raising an eyebrow at Tim. "Check mate." He stated quietly, with an amused smirk. It had been quite the game, after all. But he had the king surrounded in such a way that it did not look so, but with the Queen in place and the castle and bishop each in their own places, he won.

Tim scanned the board, checking each piece and grimaced. Well. That was a speculator lose. He had been a bit distracted, but still. He normally did not get so surrounded without noticing it. He picked up his hot chocolate, raising an eyebrow at the younger man. The child scowled at him but picked up his own mug and took a sip of it. Tim bit back a grin when the younger man took a long swig from the mug. It was delicious hot chocolate, even for a man with an eating disorder. "Do you know any card games, Severus?" He asked suddenly. He could win at cards, especially since he knew Severus did not want to converse over 'therapeutic' subjects anymore right now.

Severus smirked evilly, raising an eyebrow. He held on to his mug though. It was rather good hot chocolate, it made him feel so much better. One of his friends had once said that chocolate could save the world. Or at least make things much better. And he was right. Especially Gigi's hot chocolate. "Blackjack or Poker, Tim?" Oh, he was so going to win this.

Tim grinned, summoning the cards from upstairs. "Poker." This would be quite fun. He watched the younger man deal the cards for a moment, before summoning a bag of Knuts and Sickles. The young man in front of him was healing. It was a slow, long process, but he was healing. And perhaps, he was even starting to trust.

-x-


	15. Disturbed

A/N_: I apologize for the wait. And I offer a brief warning. This chapter is a discussion of a nightmare Severus has. There is mention of sexual abuse and rape here. It is neither graphic nor detailed. But it is mentioned. It is not a very long chapter, but it happens to be one of the more difficult ones to write, for this story at least. It may seem a little ooc for those of you who have not been consistently reading my works. It is AU and non-canon complaint. Severus is also becoming to come to terms with his childhood, that's what this story is about: Severus learning to cope better. When you deal with something as traumatic as abuse, rape, bullying, etc,...it is exhausting and emotionally draining. When it first comes out, you lock down. And then, after a time, you break. And you don't always act as people expect you to, because how you used to act was merely a mask for the pain. Severus is a master at wearing masks. Anyway, tangent over. I still do not own this. Italics are still normally thoughts. There are no scene breaks in this one, but -x's usually are said breaks. Chapters are usually song titles! Please review, or message me even. I welcome non-hateful/angry messages. Finally, use your words._

_-x-  
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It took several hours of card playing and book reading before the younger man had finally decided to sleep. It did not help that he could not leave the boy alone, even in sleep. Tim glanced around the bare guest room, equipped with two beds and a door-less wardrobe. It had an attached loo, also doorless. As much as it pained him to take away every bit of privacy, he knew it had to be done. The young man sleeping in the bed next to him was on suicide watch, which general lasted about two weeks. It also helped that he was still healing, still trying to rework muscles that he damaged. Severus was in for a long road, one that was not made easier by damaged nerves and muscles, nor anxiety attacks, although the younger man had not had one at the cottage yet. It was merely a matter of time. He reclined against his headboard, reading a fiction novel this time. He had a feeling that he would be doing much reading for the next few days.

It took two hours for the nightmares to start. Tim had been expecting them, of course, but he was quite surprised by the sheer magnitude of these nightmares. It was the first night that Severus had not been dosed with a sleep draft, a mistake that was becoming quite clear. It wasn't the screams or trashing about that bothered the healer, but rather the pleads from this young man. He was not as violent in sleep as some of his previous patients had been, but perhaps that had more to do with Severus' ironclad control over his emotions than the dreams themselves. He moved quickly to the younger man's side, hesitating briefly. It would not do to shake the young man awake if he was in the middle of a nightmare from his childhood. He settled for trying to talk the child out of the dream first. "Severus? You are safe child. You are at Seaside Cottage. You are safe. No one here will harm you. Wake up child, it is a dream. You are safe." He murmured, gently brushing soft black hair away from the young man's pale face. "It is alright Severus, you can wake up now. He cannot harm you here."

The younger man grumbled, trying desperately to pull himself from the horrid dream. The soothing voice nearby was helping but he could not focus on it. The dream was too vivid, too real. It was the hand that gently stroked his hair, as soft words were whispered into his ear, that finally pulled him from the torment. He was shaking, he realized, as he opened onyx eyes. The gentle brown eyes that met his caused him to look away. He had nightmares often, of course, but it was embarrassing for someone to witness said nightmares. Severus bit his lip, desperately trying to shake this latest nightmare away. He knew Tim was saying something, but he was not quite awake yet, not quite out of that..._dream._

"Severus? It's alright, you are safe child." Tim murmured soothingly, summoning a cup of tea. He held it out to the younger man, watching the child closely.

Severus blinked, staring blankly at the teacup before finally taking it. It did help to have something physical, and _warm, _in his hands. He blinked again, coming entirely back to reality. He eyed the tea for a moment before taking a slow sip of it. It was just tea, but a calming variety, one he had blended himself. And it was delicious. "I apologize for waking you." He scowled softly.

Tim merely waved the apology away with his hand. "It's fine, Severus. Would you like to tell me about your dream? It helps, talking about it." He replied calmly. He knew that it was a long shot, but he had to ask. The child might want to speak about it. If not, he would not force the issue.

Severus hesitated, staring into his cup of tea. Speaking about it would make it real. Even though it was real, it was a known fact that putting words to it would mean that he acknowledged that it was real. But Tim didn't know it was actually real. Knowing the damn man, he would probably guess or figure it out anyway. He closed his eyes briefly, fighting a short battle with himself. He knew, from working with his Slytherins, that talking about nightmares _did_ help. But was he ready to discuss this? Perhaps the more innocent parts of the nightmare? That was doable, he supposed. And it would get the healer off his back about opening up more. He took another slow sip of his tea, letting the warm liquid calm his nerves. "It doesn't always help." He murmured quietly.

"Perhaps, but it is often better to let out the nightmares so that they hold no power over you." Tim replied gently, watching the younger man closely. He seemed to be calm, which should be surprising, but this was Severus. The young man rarely ever showed how he was feeling, but his body language did. His body seemed relaxed now, perhaps the tea had helped.

"I'm sure." Severus scowled briefly before finally making up his mind completely. "It was...an old dream." He added with a grimace. It was an old dream, well to someone who was barely in his twenties, anyway.

"You've had it for a long time?" Tim clarified quietly.

"Yes."

"What was this 'dream' about?" He asked softly.

Severus scowled at his tea, brow furrowing. _Innocent parts. Only the innocent parts._ It was a bit hard to mention only the innocent parts, because they would not make much sense without context. But there had to be something, no matter how small. Something to show the damn man that he was trying to work with him, so that he could regain his privacy quicker. Hm. "My father." He muttered finally, glaring at his tea.

"Can you tell me about the dream?" Tim suggested gently.

Severus snorted. "Not much to tell really." _Lies but necessary ones._ He shifted on his bed, still not looking up at Tim. "I was...younger, perhaps. And he was angry. So he beat me." _Good Severus, that's good. Innocent parts. Wait...How the hell is a beating innocent? _ He bit back a snort at his thoughts, knowing that the healer would think he had finally lost it.

"How old were you in this dream?" Tim asked quietly, frowning slightly. The young man was leaving out details, he knew, but that was alright. At least he was talking and with a nudge or two, perhaps he would continue to tell him about this _dream_.

Severus frowned. That was a good question. The incident in question, not the first nor last of its nature but one of the most brutal, he had been... "Thirteen." He growled, trying to shut that thought out of his head. Thirteen. Fucking thirteen. _No no no no no!_

"Severus? Severus!" Tim grimaced. This wasn't good. He knew, of course, that nightmares often were like flashbacks, but he had not wanted the young man to get stuck in a flashback by talking about it. Damn it. "Deep breaths, Severus. You are safe, child. You are safe." The young man was shaking, biting his lip. He wanted desperately to reach out and comfort the child, but he did not know the terror that gripped his mind. Doing so could easily set off a worse flashback or cause the boy to withdraw completely.

Severus took a deep, shaky breath, pulling his legs up to his chest and wrapping his arms around them. That is what he used to do, after. He was dirty, tainted, bad. He buried his head in his knees, refusing to look up. He would not cry. Crying was...not bad but pointless. It never saved him. It never helped.

"Severus, child. Please look at me." Tim requested softly, watching the young man curl up on himself. He had moved to sit on the boy's bed, far enough away to not be a threat but close enough to give the younger man calming magic if he needed. Or most likely, when.

The dark-haired young man took another deep breath, trying to clear his mind. But it would not leave. He was...stuck. The thoughts would haunt him, he knew, unless he could get them out. He needed a blade, so desperately. But he did not have one and he would have to uncurl to dig his nails into his arms. Harming himself took too much energy right now. He was never able to after one of _those_ dreams, not for quite a few hours after. And then it only helped to numb the pain a bit, it never made it go away. He finally did look up, with eyes that glistened with unshed tears.

"Tell me about it Severus." Came the soft, gentle request.

"I can't!"

"You can. No one will harm you here." Tim replied softly, hesitating briefly before reaching out with a calming hand to squeeze the younger man's shoulder. The child flinched but relaxed slowly into his touch and he let just a drop of calming magic flow into the child, enough so that he would not shut down completely.

"Dirty. Bad." Severus whispered, closing his eyes against the unwelcome tears.

"Why do you believe that, Severus?" Tim asked quietly.

"Father said. Dirty boys get hurt." He bit his lip. It wasn't going away. It needed to just go away. But it wouldn't. The images were engraved in his mind. He felt like that thirteen year old boy again. Scared; dirty; hurt. It took a moment but the words, the words started to spill out. He couldn't stop them, he tried. He just couldn't. " Bad dirty boys got hurt. When he was drunk, after mum died. He was always drunk. But it got worse. And I...was dirty-y. Bad. Deserved to be hurt." He whispered, fighting against the scenes playing out in his mind. They started to lessen and waver. It was not quite bearable but it was not as overwhelming as it had been.

Tim froze, closing his eyes briefly. He had been right then, how he hated being right. It was a miracle that Severus did not recoil from all touch. "You did not deserve to be hurt, Severus. You are not bad nor dirty, and even if you were, you do not deserve to be hurt. No child, _no one_, deserves to be hurt." Tim replied softly, after several moments of tense silence. He knew the young man was afraid he would reject him. He wouldn't. He might kill the younger man's father though. Hm..

Severus hesitated. He didn't deserve it? Perhaps not. But that didn't explain why it happened, although he knew. He was a grown man, after all, no longer a child. And yet still...a child. Adults who took their frustrations out on a child made him angry. Acknowledging that he was once one of those children, however, was something completely different. Well, he was way past the innocent parts of the dream, if they could even be called _innocent, _might as well finish it. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "It wasn't the first time he hurt me, like that. But it was the first time that he...he.."He broke off, forcing himself to calm down. _NONONO! _He couldn't tell, he knew that. He wasn't suppose to. But his father had been dead for a few years now, the man had passed away right before he turned nineteen. He had been away from the drunkard prior to that of course. He had left the moment he turned seventeen and never looked back. Severus flinched when a hand rested on his shoulder again, gentle though it was. He hadn't been expecting it. Nor was he expecting the older man to gently pull him up against his chest. He rested his head on the healer's shoulder exhausted, embarrassed and scared.

"Shh child. You are safe here. You are safe. He cannot harm you here. He will never harm you again, child." Tim whispered soothingly, settling the younger man to sit on his lap. He had wrapped his arms around the child, gently rubbing his back. Severus had been shaking terribly and he had been a bit concerned that the young man was either going to shut down emotionally or have a massive panic attack.

Severus bit his lip, trying to force the tears to not fall. He was stronger than this. Being cuddled shouldn't make him so weak! But perhaps he wasn't really weak. Perhaps he was just...allowing someone else to help him through something so..difficult, instead of handling by himself. As much as he wanted a blade, he knew that it would not help much. It would only lessen the pain. This was, however, doing much more than just covering the pain up. He took a deep breath, burying his face completely into Tim's shoulder as the tears finally, _finally,_ started to fall.

"It's alright child. You are safe. It is alright to cry. You are safe. I won't let _anyone_ harm you." Tim murmured soothingly, rocking the younger man slightly. He could feel tears drenching his nightshirt, but that was perfectly alright. He was glad that the younger man was expressing his hurt. It was, after all, healing. Tears were often healing. He paused in his murmurings to listen to the soft whispers from the young man on his lap.

"He raped me." Severus whispered, turning bright eyes up to look at Tim, tear-tracks glistening on his cheeks.

"He was wrong, Severus. You are such a good, smart, talented, snarky young man,. You are not bad or dirty. What he did to you was his fault, not yours. I know it is hard to believe, but it is the truth. No one will harm you like that here, ever. I promise you that." Tim replied quietly, conjuring a wet flannel and gently wiping the younger man's face. He set the flannel down and hugged the child tightly. No one would harm this child ever, if he had anything to say about it.

He took a deep breath and let the calm fill him. The older man had not rejected him for it, but he wasn't sure if he really believed that he would have. Tim was...eccentric and insane, but he cared and he took care of those in his care. He knew he was safe. He knew that no harm would come to him. He did not know how he knew, but he did. Severus Snape trusted Tim, trust which was still fragile. But it was, all the same, trust.


	16. Interlude: a Mentor's Return

A/N-_ Once again, it had been a while and for that I apologize. I started this chapter two weeks ago but I got sick and I've finally able to write coherently again. Do not own. AU still. George, from "Coming up for Air" makes an appearance here. And Tim get's scolded. The ending may seem odd, but the next chapter...well just wait and see. This chapter is also much different from the last one. It is not quite as disturbing or dark. But we learn more of Tim here. And Severus has a moment alone... George will make a few appearances after this one. Enjoy and please, use your words! X's are scene breaks, italics are usually thoughts, chapter titles are songs! _

_~Cas  
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-x-

Severus groaned, glaring down at his hand of cards. Tim was giving him that look again, the one that said that he knew his hand sucked. Which it did. It looked like he would have to fold, there was no other way about it. "Alright, I fold." He scowled finally, slapping his hand of cards down onto the table.

"That's what, three loses in a row? Perhaps we should play something else?" Tim suggested with a small grin, revealing his own hand. The young Potions Master was getting frustrated, although it was to be expected without the addition of Poker. The young man was, after all, probably feeling quite confined and watched. It had only been four days since they arrived here and the younger man was still under observation.

"That depends. If you want to do word associations again..."Severus trailed off, raising an eyebrow. That had been a terrible idea. He did not mind word games but word association was just...ridiculous.

"Of course not. That was a disaster. I was thinking of Scrabble or perhaps a different type of card game."Tim replied, biting back a groan. Disaster was an understatement, actually. Although the game was great for understanding how ones mind worked, Severus was too competitive and it had left both of them not speaking to the other for an hour. They would not be playing that game any time soon, but Scrabble should be a safe game and it was a good therapeutic tool.

"Scrabble is fine." Severus drawled, watching the older man summon the board. He was quite tired of card games, actually. And Tim always tried to get him to talk while they played chess. The man was wise enough to know that he would not get any answers when they were playing poker. He had once been one of the top poker players in Slytherin, and yet this older man kept beating him at it. It was one of the few good things that he learned from his father, although perhaps gambling wasn't suppose to be a good thing.

-x-

"Effigy. Hm, nice use of letters that. Sixteen points." Tim murmured, glancing at the word Severus had just laid down. He laid down his own word, biting back a smirk as the young man scowled at it. Quay, sixteen points.

Severus glared down at his letters, moving them around slowly and adding his newest drawn letter to it. T, there was much he could use a T for. He went to set down his new word just as the floo went off.

"Tim?" A man called, sticking his head through the floo.

Tim muttered a curse under his breath, moving to the floo quickly. "No cheating, Severus." He called before turning to the older man. "George."

"May I come through, Tim?" The gray-haired, green-eyed man frowned at the younger healer, shifting uncomfortably in the floo. He hated this method of communication but when the younger man refused to answer his owls, this was the only way to assure that he listened to him.

"I'm busy." Tim shrugged, moving to shut down the floo.

"Timothy Leon Rainwater! Let me through _now_. Or I will floo Albus." George threatened, arching a brow at the younger man. His one time apprentice, several years ago. The younger man looked exhausted, he knew the mindhealer would work himself into the ground if he wasn't stopped.

Tim grimaced, glancing at the smirking Severus. The young man would probably enjoy seeing him get chewed out, but he really did not have time for George. Well...he had time today, but he rather not listen to the lecture he knew he was in for. "Alright, come through George." Tim growled, stepping back from the floo.

Severus frowned slightly, staring at the healer. He had never seen Tim so unsettled before. The older man was always so calm and yet... he wasn't. The man who stepped out of the floo...damn. _Don't let him notice me. He'll be quite...displeased. _He knew the older healer. It had been a few years since he had seen him, but the man was one that Nico had taken him to. _Damn it._

George stepped out of the floo with ease, gazing around the sitting room. It was Albus' place he knew, he had been here quite a few times when both of them were younger. He and Albus remained good friends still; it was Albus who told him where to find Tim. He turn sharp green eyes on the black haired young man, frowning slightly. He and Albus had also had a discussion about this young man, one that he had treated once, unknowingly to Albus. Damn McGonagall. They could had fixed this years ago, if only the woman was not so damn selfish and cruel! "It's good to see you again, Severus." He remarked quietly, before turning stern eyes back to the fidgeting healer.

Tim glanced between the two men with a frown. "You know each other?" He asked curiously. If George knew Severus, he would also had seen the younger man's problems and would have helped him or gotten him help.

"We do. Severus once spent two weeks at my house, with one of my past apprentices. Speaking of past apprentices..." George drawled, raising an eyebrow.

Tim bit back a grimace. He could live without being told off in front of one of his patients, especially this one. "George.."

He sighed, glancing toward the younger of the two men. It would not be right of him to scold Tim in front of his patient. "Perhaps we can discuss this in private?"

Tim hesitated. It was too soon for Severus to be left completely alone for long periods of time. But if they were just in the hallway and he could still hear the younger man, perhaps it would be a good time to see if the child could be trusted alone for brief periods of time, say to go to the bathroom. There was still another week of observation, if not longer, before he would feel safe about Severus being completely alone. Perhaps a trial period. It was not as if the child could go very far. His muscles were still healing and his leg would not support him for long distances just yet. Besides that, he would have to go past them to leave the room, the floo was warded. "The hallway, perhaps?" Tim suggested finally. George merely nodded, striding out into the hallway without another word. "We'll be right back Severus. Behave and no cheating!" Tim added quietly, gazing at the young man, who merely nodded, for several moments before following his old mentor.

-x-

"I am disappointed in you, Tim. You gave me your _word_ that you would contact me every three months. You ignored my owls, my attempts to floo you. You have neglected yourself again, you have taken on too much. And, I've heard that you have once more lost your apartment. How many apartment complexes is that now, Tim? Seven, eight? Where were you and Maple staying before Albus had you bring Severus here?" George remarked quietly, disappointment and concern showing in his eyes. He had cast two spells, one for silencing and one to hear what Severus was up to. He was prepared for this. Albus had informed him of what had been going on.

Tim met the emerald gaze for a moment before lowering his eyes to the floor. "I...apologize, sir. I thought I could handle it and I didn't want you to be disappointed when I could not. Clearly, I failed." He sighed, shifting restlessly. Only with this man was he so disquieted, so unmasked. He was always a calm centre, comfort and gentleness with his patients. He had become more expressive with Albus, but the older man had moved from a patient to a friend, although he was still his healer. Thanks to George. It was George who had suggested him to Albus, after Filius had suggested the Albus talk to someone. And Albus had gone to his once lover. So here he was. Dealing with a suicidal, self harming, hurting young man, still keeping his shift at the clinic, and not sleeping. Again. He did not have to work at the clinic anymore, he knew, but he just didn't feel like he could leave them hanging. Even if he opened his own practice, he would feel obligated to be there. Ugh.

"I am not disappointed that you could not handle the load you have given yourself, Timothy. I am disappointed that you have been neglecting yourself. Hand it over." George replied softly, watching the younger man's emotions shoot across his eyes. Tim's eyes were the best indicator of what he was feeling and thinking.

Tim bit back a groan, glaring at the floor for a moment before looking up, defiant. "I have a shift this weekend and I have to be here with Severus. I'll give it to you after." He wouldn't, but George didn't have to know that. Unfortunately, George had known him for too long.

"_Now_, Tim." George ordered sternly, raising an eyebrow. He would get the illicit Time Turner one way or another.

-x-

Severus sighed, leaning back in his chair. He was alone for the first time in days. And it felt great. It was quiet and he could hear himself think. But he did not want to hear himself think, because then he would think about Nico and the last time he saw Nico. That night, a few days back. On the tower. _Fucking hell._ He closed his eyes and dug his nails into his palm, trying to shake that image out of his head. His dead friend had once stunned him and dragged him to a healer, George, because he cared. A few days ago, the same friend came to him with their other friends, all ghosts, to convince him to live. What did it matter to Nico if he lived? Or any of them? Even Lily shouldn't care. _But Remus might. He is still alive. And lonely. I could owl him. _He mused before shaking his head. Remus would be upset if he saw him like this, if the slightly older man was even in better shape, which he doubted. He had lost much in the war, they both had. The war. Damn. That was another thing he didn't want to think about. He needed a blade. Now. There had to be one around here somewhere. Even a wax knife for parchment would help. He needed to stop thinking. Fast.

-x-

"I can't work my shift at the clinic without it George." Tim argued, frowning slightly. This was mad. He needed the time turner. It helped him find time to sleep, with all the work he did. And yet he never remembered to pay his rent. Ten apartments in less than six years, it was actually quite sad. No one on Diagon Alley would rent to him anymore and many of the muggle apartment complexes were starting to lean that way. Albus and George had both offered him a room in the past, although he usually just couch surfed until he found a new place that didn't care that he was evicted for forgetting to pay. He didn't really need the job at the clinic, but he was obligated. The other man would just have to get over it.

"Actually, you do not have a shift this weekend. Or any weekend in the future. I talked to your supervisor. He agrees with me. So hand it over, now Tim. Or you will not like the consequences." George replied dryly, frowning at the younger man. The boy should know better than to test him after all these years.

"No."

George sighed, twitching his wand. The younger healer yelped when the spell made contact with his backside. It was his modified version of the stinging hex: area specific and changed so that it caused no lasting damage. It literally would feel like a smacking, lasting for a variety of times depending on how long the spell was cast or how often. This sting should last about an hour. _If_ the boy would obey him. Knowing Tim, he wouldn't. The young man would not be sitting happily for a while.

-x-

Severus searched fast, although he walked slowly. It was easy to check the side table, it was close by. There were shelves and a writing desk for mail in the room. That would be his jackpot. And it was. It took him a few slow minutes to reach it, constantly glancing toward the doorway, but he did reach it. He rummaged through the drawers for a few anxious moments, finally unearthing an old letter opener at the bottom of one of the drawers. He did not have much time, he knew, so he pushed his sleeve up to his shoulder, briefly forgetting the fact that Tim would probably see it later, and slashed the opener across it. It stung but it wasn't enough.

-x-

"I-" Tim gasped, eyes darting to the doorway. _Damn it, Severus! _Shadow pain flared in the region of his shoulder, as the warning bells went off in his mind. He had a monitoring spell on the boy, for good reason. He pushed past George, ignoring the pain in his backside for the moment being. He had a patient to deal with, after all. He reached the younger man in several quick strides, wrapping a hand around the boy's wrist. "Stop."

Severus grimaced, fighting the grasp on his wrist. He needed the pain. He hadn't had pain in so long and he needed it. He didn't want to think. Not at all. It helped. It didn't quite do as well as a knife would, but it helped numb him.

"Severus, let go." Tim instructed softly, tugging gently on the letter opener. He had thought that he had removed all of them from the room. Apparently he had missed one. Damn.

"No. Mine."

"Come on Severus. Let me have it please. You don't need to hurt yourself child. Talk to me." Tim replied quietly, keeping his grip on the boy's wrist. Severus was still trying to fight him, still trying to harm himself. It took him a few moments but he finally managed to get the letter opener away from the younger man, vanishing it with a wave of his hand. The angry young man in front of him, however, was not something he could just vanish. Sometimes he wished it were though, to just vanish the anger from his patients when he interrupted their attempts at inflicting damage to themselves.

Severus growled, lashing out. His fist connected with the wall, the pain flooded his veins. The hands that were suddenly grasping both of his wrists kept him from striking out again. He wanted to but he could not pull his wrists free. He fought Tim for a moment longer, before finally calming. _Well there goes convincing him that I'm getting better._ He mused, scowling at the older man. And George was watching him. _Fuck._

Tim gently tugged Severus away from the wall and back to his chair. He raised an eyebrow at the younger man, who scowled at him but dropped gracelessly into the chair. The boy's hand did not appear injured, thankfully, just bruised. "What caused this?" He asked finally,watching the younger man fidget with a sigh.

Severus glared at him, snarling under his breath. He was doing perfectly well on his own. Damn healer. Talking meant he had to think about it and the whole point had been not to think. So he wasn't going to talk. Simple.

George hesitated; it wasn't technically his business but he knew both of these young men. He wasn't going to leave right now, anyway, and he had wanted to speak with Severus. Perhaps it was not necessarily a bad thing that he was here.

"Severus?" Tim bit back a sigh, glancing toward his mentor. The man was looking between them with concern. He knew that having the older man here might keep Severus from talking but knowing the younger man, he wouldn't have talked anyway, if he didn't want to. He hesitated for a moment before turning brown eyes back to the younger man. A little nettling might go a long way here. "So when left alone, you automatically try to harm yourself? What is that, exactly, suppose to say to me, Severus? That you can't be trusted to not harm yourself? That I cannot leave you alone for even a few minutes?" Tim asked dryly, raising an eyebrow.

Severus scowled, eyes flashing. He could not lose any more of his freedom but he really did not need the older man thinking that he was incapable of being 'safe' alone. "I can be trusted." He snarled darkly, glaring daggers at the healer. Damn healer. It wasn't his fault that thinking was painful and required pain to stop. Was it? He didn't always harm himself anyway, only when it was necessary. It was necessary much more often, lately, but it wasn't always. _Stupid. I shouldn't have gotten caught. Next time. Next time I won't. _ He mused briefly, because he knew, without a doubt, that there would be a next time.

"Why?" George questioned suddenly. Both of the younger men turned to look at him. "Why can you be trusted, Severus? What makes this time different from any of the others?"

Tim nodded slightly, quirking a brow at the young man. It was a good question.

"I...needed it. This time. That makes it different." Severus growled, tapping his long fingers rapidly against his leg.

"Why did you need it?"

Severus fell silent, glaring between the two men. This was not fair. Not at all. They were ganging up on him, it was not fair for both of them to be against him. Granted, he was used to the world being against him. And he knew how to survive that. But the rest of the world never looked at him with concern in their eyes. The world never cared if he harmed himself. _Nico did. Remus does. They cared._ He pushed the thought aside, forcing his emotions back into his iron control.

"I want to help you Severus. _We_ want to help you. But we cannot, if you do not speak to us. If you do not tell us what is going through that mind of yours. Something caused this, no matter how small it might seem to you." Tim remarked quietly, rocking back on his heels.

"I rather not speak about it." Severus grumbled finally, glaring down at the ground. That probably wouldn't work, but it was worth a try. Because he didn't want to talk about it. Not now, at least. Probably not ever, but that really wouldn't fly with Tim or even George. George had been quite good at getting him to speak about things.

Tim sighed, watching the young man for a moment. At least he was finally telling him that he didn't want to speak about it, instead of pretending that nothing was wrong. Instead of fighting with him about it. "Alright, Severus. We don't have to speak about it now. We can return to our game of Scrabble, instead. Are you staying George, or?" He remarked finally, straightening and stretching before gently lowering himself into a chair.

"You do not get off that easily, Tim. Pass it over. We can discuss it later, but I want it now." George drawled, raising an eyebrow at the young healer.

Tim growled, reaching beneath his shirt. He removed the small hourglass on its gold chain, gripping it for a moment before holding it out to George. He could, and would, fight him later. Once Severus was asleep or brewing. When he would feel better about leaving the young man for a few moments, since he did not feel that was a good idea now, not after what had just happened. He had almost expected it though. The younger man was bound to hurt himself, he would be fighting habits and thought patterns, so it was not unusual, but it was a bit disheartening still. "Fine. We will speak on this later." He growled.

George took the time-tuner with a sigh, tucking it into his pocket. He did not miss the youngest man's look but he wasn't sure if Tim had. That was something else to discuss later. The younger man could not be messing around in the past, no matter his reasoning. Messing with the time line could do much harm; it also damaged and drained the body. "I will be over this evening." He remarked quietly, disappearing back through the floo, after removing the wards.

Tim groaned, raising the wards back over the floo. That was the last thing he needed, for Severus to floo to somewhere. He would have a hard time finding him. "If you do want to talk, Severus, you know where I am." He remarked softly, meeting the younger man's eyes for a moment.

"I know, Tim." Severus shrugged, laying down his word: taper.

Tim turned back to his own letters, knowing that it was the best he would get. For now.

-x-

A/N-_ I felt I should add definitions for those words. So here they are. _

**Effigy-**dummy, caricature;replica, simulacrum.**  
><strong>

**Taper- **narrow; come to a point.

**Quay-**wharf, dock,pier.


	17. Guilty

A/N: _NANO! Which means I should be writing more...working on it. Haven't slept in a while, so forgive the mistakes please. Still don't own. Still AU. Severus has a very vivid nightmare, but it is not graphic. Italics here is either thoughts or one scene is a dream. X's are scene breaks! Enjoy. And use your words! _

_~Cas_

-x-

Tim sighed, watching the young man across the table. Severus was merely toying with his food, the man had not eaten today at all. It was...frustrating. He had been waiting, hoping Severus would open up to him on his own, but perhaps it was quite time that they discussed the young man's suicide attempt. Maybe it would help clear the air a bit. "At least try to eat something, Severus." He remarked finally, raising an eyebrow at the other man. The young man merely sneered at him, pointedly pushing his plate away. He bit back a sigh, summoning a nutrition supplement draft. "If you insist, drink this then." He held the draft out, keeping his calm outer demeanor up. If Severus wanted to do this the hard way, he would obligate him.

Severus growled under his breath, snatching away the potions vial. He removed the stopper and sniffed it, grimacing slightly. God, he hated _brewing_ this draft. It was not...delightful, to say the least. He also knew what was _in_ it, which made it a bit worse. Potions never made him squeamish, but this...this was nearly the equivalent of one of those disgusting muggle nutrition shakes. Way too many calories. "No." He snapped, slamming it down on the table.

"Either you eat something or you will drink that potion. You are not leaving the table until then." Tim ordered briskly, shaking his head slightly. He knew that the potion did not exactly smell pleasant, but it did taste decent enough, for a potion anyway. Besides, that was quite the point actually. And the potion could not be purged, not that the young man would have been able to do so anyway. Not that Severus was inclined to purging. He watched the young man closely as he finally picked up the vial, grumbling under his breath, and drank it quickly. One battle down, nine hundred billion to go.

-x-

Tim leaned back in his armchair, studying the young man across from him for a moment. "I believe it is time that we talked." He remarked finally, breaking the long silence. Past time, really.

Severus scowled, not bothering to turn his attention from his Potions Periodical, which Albus had brought by when the man had briefly stopped in earlier. He still hadn't spoken to the old meddling wizard but not out of anger. Embarrassment yes, and perhaps even a little bit of fear, not that he would ever admit that. "What is it we do, if it is not talking?" He drawled, onyx orbs staring unmoving at the page.

"True. We do talk, but we never really _say_ anything. Perhaps we could give that a try." Tim replied calmly, arching a brow at the dark-haired man. He could meet the young man quip to quip, he was bright in his own right, after all. And he had a sense of dry humour, one that Severus might appreciate one day.

"What would you prefer me to say?" Severus purred silkily, glancing over the top of his book finally, dark eyes emotionless.

Tim fought down a shiver, that tone invoked one easily. Just as it easily made him feel unease and alert, right for anything that might happen. "You harmed yourself earlier today. Could you tell me what caused you to do so?" He asked finally, after a moment or two of thought. There was much he wanted to know really, but starting with the most recent incident might shed some light on the past attempt. Or he could hope at least. Knowing Severus, it could go either way really, depending on the man's current mood.

Severus turned his eyes back to his potions periodical with an air of disinterest. _Simple, part truth. That's all he needs. And then he will leave me alone, at least for the rest of tonight. _He mused silently, turning the moment over in his head. Why had he harmed himself? Because he could? Because he was alone? But he knew better, and Tim was no idiot, no matter how much he hated it when the man went into 'healer' mode. "At the moment it time, I was not thinking clearly." He drawled finally, conversation over.

"What was on your mind that was causing you to not think clearly?"

Damn. He should have expected that, he knew that. But here was hoping that the healer wouldn't pry. Apparently not. Severus finally snapped his magazine shut, gazing at the older man with stony eyes. "Why don't you tell me?" He snarled.

"But I wouldn't know, would I? If I did, I would not have to ask. I am not inside your mind Severus. Please, could you tell me what you were thinking about?" Tim replied softly, eyeing the pale man. He was not panicking or shutting down yet, so perhaps that was a good sign to keep trying.

He huffed, glaring at the wall for several long moments, tapping his fingers on his magazine. "I did not want to think. There was too much noise in my head and I knew the pain would take away that noise." He offered slowly.

Finally, they were getting somewhere tonight. "Do you think talking about it will help let some of that noise out?" Tim asked quietly, hoping that the young man would understand and accept the offer. He would listen, without interruption or nudging, if Severus wanted him to.

Severus hesitated, scowling. Did he think talking would help? Discussing it probably would not help. But would talking, saying it aloud, really help? _If nothing else, it shows I'm trying. And I can just give him a few bits. He doesn't have to know everything. He doesn't _need_ to know everything. _He finally sighed, meeting the healer's eyes for a moment. "Perhaps."

Tim merely nodded, summoning two cups of hot chocolate from the kitchen. He caught them, offering one to Severus, who accepted with a nod of his own. Gigi's hot chocolate was the best he had ever tasted, it also had a calming effect that he knew came directly from the chocolate. Chocolate, after all, was great for helping with depressive spells. And Dementors. Damn dementors.

"George had an apprentice...Nico. He was a friend." Severus started hesitantly, waiting for the interruption that wouldn't come. He bit his lip for a moment before taking a sip of the chocolate drink. It did help to just have it to hold, to be able to do something with his hands. "He was a meddling healer too, Nico was. The fool had the gall to stun me and drag me to George's house in our sixth year." He huffed, something that might have been called a snort in a lesser man.

Tim raised an eyebrow at that, biting back a chuckle. A man, no more than a boy really, had managed to sneak up on the ultimate Slytherin, the man who seemingly just appeared places? That was a man he would have liked to meet. He had not, after all, missed the _was_ part, that Nico was a friend. Something had happened then; if the bit of anguish he could detect in the younger man's eyes was anything to go by, it was something bad. Perhaps a question to ask George later.

"I was...thinking about the last time I saw Nico and some of our other friends. He was killed two years ago...seeing George just brought back those memories." Severus finished quietly, staring blankly into the nearby fireplace. It was left unsaid that he had been killed during the war, he knew Tim was smart enough to deduce that. It had only been two years since the end of the war, after all. The British Wizarding community was slowly putting itself back together once more. The mere vastness of the death and destruction was still overwhelming. The war was still a very rough subject in their community, many still broke down over it. But not he, not Severus Snape. Because Snapes don't cry, not even when they lost three of their best friends. At least, not around others. When he was alone, he could very easily take a blade to his skin, to release the pain and sadness and anger over their deaths. But Lily had told him not to harm himself over them, even if Mary's death had been partly his fault. He knew it had been.

Tim sighed, watching black eyes shut down once more. "Thank you for telling me Severus." He remarked finally, breaking the stretching silence. He, too, knew the keen pain of lose, the overwhelming sadness and even anger that came with losing a loved one, especially one who was so young. The younger man had opened back up his periodical, a muggle highlighter in one hand. He watched him for a moment longer, before summoning his own book. That was all he was going to get out of him tonight, but it was a start.

-x-

Severus groaned, tossing restlessly in his sleep. He grunted, throwing his arm out. He was dreaming again, as Tim stirred in his own sleep. Tim was a light sleeper for a reason, but he also knew that the charms would let him know if Severus was have a nightmare. He was also aware that George was in the guest room, with monitoring charms on both of them. Although, hopefully the damn man would stay asleep and Severus would not be having one of his more...violent nightmares.

-x-

_He grimaced, onyx eyes quickly surveying the area around him. It took him a moment to realize where he was. _Oh god no. Please no._ He had been here once before, nearly three years prior. His first Death Eater rampage. Granted, he only went on three, because he was forced to, before he found himself on a hillside with Albus. But that was a dream for another night. His eyes took in the setting once more, knowing this dream quite well. He did not have it as often as he did, but then that was because he refused to think about it. Thinking about her hurt too much. He followed the stone pathway up toward the small, white house with its low iron fence. He caught sight of the apparating death eaters and followed them into the back garden. There she was, wand raised, in her long yellow and black nightgown, Hufflepuff to the end. Dark brown hair flew wildly over her shoulders, the wind plucking it about as gold eyes focused intently on the men in masks. He did not wear one this night, which was different from life. But even in life, she had known he was there. Behind her, four people, three of them children, huddled under a shield charm. Two of the children, neither one of them older than fourteen, held a wand, angling their bodies in front of their mother and youngest sister. Mary angled her body between the young witch and wizard and the death eaters. He would always remember this picture, the family of muggleborns and their muggle mother. He would also always remember the youngest child's words, they were forever etched in his mind and nightmare. "Why are they after us, sissy? What did we do?" Mary didn't even turn to look at her littlest sister, barely nine. There was no real answer for the child, not one with meaning anyway. Only the truth. "Nothing, Julie. We did nothing. It will be alright. I will protect you, don't cry." Empty words, they both knew, but he also knew that her goal was to keep her sister calm. They were outnumbered._

_ It happened quickly, as the death eaters started firing spells. Her eyes locked with his and her mouth formed the words. "Don't Sev." Don't Sev...don't do what Mary? He had first thought that she was asking him to help her, but realized quickly that she knew she was going to die. Her only hope was to save her siblings...and her friend. Because she had known he would be killed if he saved them. She could not protect her family, but she would do her damnedest to make sure their deaths were quick. Neither of them had believed that the children would escape. They wouldn't. She wanted to close his eyes as a death eater pointed his wand directly at the youngest child, the curse echoing through the air. Time seemed to freeze as he spun on the spot, fixating on the child. He could not move, could not stop the curse. He was frozen to the spot. Helpless. The blood poured off the child, as the cutting curse hit her chest. Her mother wrapped her arms around her, whispering soothing nonsense, as another spell hit the child, this one to kill her in her mother's arms. The woman still grasped the still child to her body, proud eyes staring defiantly at the death eaters. They would all die, she knew that, but they would not take their pride from them. Her three older children would fight to the death and she would stare them in the eyes when they decided to take her life. _

_ It took him a moment for his body to unfreeze, for him to pull away from that spot. He cast a shield spell over one of the children, quickly blocking another cutting curse. He threw out another shield, but it fell. Shield after shield fell as soon as he threw them up. The shields would not hold and he watched as they each slowly died in front of them, each death seeming to take longer than the last. At last it was just Mary, surrounded by her dead family. Her eyes burned with rage now, her wand slashing through the night air. In life, it was not quite like this. His shield spell had held, the younger two had escaped with a portkey that the older one had quickly spelled. Magic that should be too hard for a child, magic that they would not have expected from a muggleborn. He did not know where they had went, but he knew they were safe. Emma had told him that much, before she fled the continent. They did not attend Hogwarts any longer. In life, Mary had held the death eaters off as she did now, allowing her siblings to escape. She knew that she would die, but she would die for them. She took a few death eaters with her that night, wounding quite a few. But now, here, he had to watch her die. Helpless as he was then. He could not save her, even as he tried to run forward, she just seemed to get __further away. Her body hit the ground and he knew she was dead. And he could do nothing. It was his fault. Severus cried out, dropping to his knees._

And landing on the floor. Tim was beside him instantly. He groaned, feeling pain shot through his bad leg. Onyx eyes blinked away unshed tears and he tore his mind away from the dream, occluding quickly. He locked down his emotions, fighting away the guilt.

"Severus?"Tim asked gently, helping the young man off the floor. He could see the blankness of his eyes, the stone mask up once more. He glanced toward the doorway, nodding at the shadow there. George merely shrugged and left, he assumed to go back to sleep. The dream had not seemed as violent as usual, but perhaps dreamless sleep would help for a few days.

"I'm alright." He murmured. And he was, physically at least. Mentally, he was scarred and they both knew it. He had physical scars to match the pain he kept hidden inside and he knew that talking about this, at least, would not help.. Not right now. This dream usually ended in his waking and cutting. But tonight, with the gentle flow of calming magic into his body, he would just go back to sleep. After all, he never had it twice in one night. And he would manage. Mary had left him a message, twice, he knew. _Don't Sev, don't._ _Don't hurt yourself Severus, not over me_. And he would honour her memory by not doing so, tonight at least. It was, after all, just a dream. A dream that tore at his very soul, but just a dream.

"Do you think you can sleep?" Tim asked softly, adding a touch more soothing magic. A nod was his only answer. "Alright Severus, we'll talk tomorrow." He watched the young man for a moment, tucking the blankets securely back around him. It had been a long day and he knew that tomorrow would probably be much of the same. He brushed Severus' hair away from his face, studying the now sleeping young man for a moment more before returning to his own bed. Healing took time, he knew he could not expect miracles over night. Going slow was much better than not talking at all.

-x-


	18. Introspective

A/N-_ Do not own. NON-Canon complaint. Yes, it is quite late. I apologize. It does skip a bit of time to pick up the pace a bit, which hopefully it will continue to do so. Hopefully, after the new year I will be able to write on this much more often. But I can make no promises. This is not as dark or deep as some of the other chapters, but this is important in its own right. Trust me. X's are scene breaks, italics are usually thoughts. As always, use your words. _

_~Cas  
><em>

_-x-  
><em>

A week and a half. He had been in this 'cottage' for a week and a half. He had been under Tim's watch completely, with George now stopping by every day and Albus coming for evening tea. He needed to be alone. Or he would go crazy. He was not social by nature, he was an introvert as the muggles would say. Severus valued his peace and quiet, his space. So what if he still wanted to harm himself? He needed privacy or at least a few minutes alone. Or even time outside the damn cottage. He might be that bat of the dungeons but he enjoyed being outside. And this was driving him insane. Insaner? Either way, he was going to kill someone. Soon. If he didn't get some semi-balance of alone time and sunshine.

Tim sighed, surveying the agitated young man over the top of his book. He knew that it was not the Potions Journal that was causing Severus to fidget and grumble and glare at him. The young man was very much a solitary person, as was he. It was not yet two weeks, the usual length of time before suicide watches ended, but it had been quite a few days since the young man had last harmed himself. And if he placed a small charm on him, perhaps he could allow Severus some time to himself. It was a thought, although he wasn't quite sure whether it was a good one or not. "Severus?"

"What?" He snarled, onyx eyes snapping from the nearest window to the healer. He just wanted peace and quiet. Was that too much to ask? To just be left alone? Hmpf.

He frowned but kept his calm outer persona. The pure bitterness in the young man's tone was overwhelming. "I was thinking, that perhaps it is alright for you to have a bit of time to yourself now. Perhaps you could explore the beach or go for a walk? The fresh air might be good for you."Tim offered finally, observing the blank mask of the younger man. Except his eyes, which had lit up for a moment. A good idea, then.

Severus hesitated, raising an eyebrow. There had to be a catch, there was no way the healer would let him go off on his own. He knew Tim did not completely trust him to be alone just yet and he could not blame him for that. Not really. "Alone?" He questioned sharply.

"Yes, of course. I believe I can trust you to be on your own for an hour, Severus. However, I would still like to cast a charm, that will alert me if something should happen." Tim added quietly, knowing that this was going to be the hard part, getting the young man to agree to the charm. He could just cast it, but he wanted Severus' trust and placing charms on him without his permission and acceptance was not a way to gain trust.

Ah. A charm, then. Well, it wasn't a terrible catch and he did get to have some desperately needed alone time. He did want to examine his surroundings, since he wasn't even quite sure where they were located. If it was the charm he thought it was, it would not disrupt his privacy unless he fell ill or hurt. A non-invasive spell. Perhaps he could handle this then. Space was what he needed and this was a way for him to get it. _It's settled then. And perhaps this will allow Tim to believe I am getting better and no longer require constant surveillance._ Severus turned his thoughts over for a moment more, searching for a flaw in the options. There wasn't one. "That is..acceptable." He drawled finally.

Tim nodded, setting the charm with a wave of his hand. Now to see about finding another Timeturner while Severus was outside..

_-x-_

The sea air was doing wonderous things for his mood. He felt so much better, walking barefoot across the sand in the sunshine. Alone. Severus had never realized how much he needed privacy before it was completely taken away. Of course, those two weeks with George all those years ago had been trying, but it was different from this. He had been younger, for one. And he had a bit of privacy. But suicide watch was different and he did understand that. He just didn't have to like or agree with it. Sharp onyx eyes located potions ingredients with ease, almost making a game out of what he could spot. From his bit of geographical knowledge, he figured they were in Germany most likely. The mountains he could see in the far distance made him a bit more certain of that. The plants and herbs he located also added to this fact. There was Starflower, and quite a few other useful plants, closer to the cottage. But down by the ocean he could see ragweed, arrowhead, and papyrus growing wildly. There were some stinging nettles growing in parts of the sand and a particular type of driftwood. Severus crouched down on a patch of smooth sand, digging his fingers through it for a moment before uncovering a sand dollar. He dug in his robes for a moment, finding an empty container and placing the sand dollar into it before returning it to his robes. He dug out a vial and headed down to the ocean, intent to take a bit of seawater for an experiment he had been wanting to do. There wasn't much else to do here, after all. He might as well brew.

-x-

He was beyond frustrated. Tim could not find a timeturner, which he needed. His contacts either did not have one currently or refused to sell to him. He knew that most sellers who had illicit timeturners would not sell to Healers anyway, but it had been worth a try. Healers burned up too much magic, stretched themselves too thin with timeturners. Or they tried to save a patient, to fix an error; even if they succeeded, there would be consequences. The person would die later, often brutally. And if they could not succeed, the healers often lost their sanity or killed themselves. Time travel was regulated for a reason and the Ministry, as well as the Healers guild, refused to allow healers timeturners for those reasons. He knew this and he never wanted one to change the past. But sometimes he just needed to be several places at once. George had put a stop to that, which did not make him pleased. At all. But Tim knew he would just have to get over it, he had more important issues to worry about, after all. Such as the young man entering the cottage now.

Severus glanced into the sitting room before heading directly to his lab to place his gatherings. It took him a few minutes and he was slightly surprised when the healer did not come check on him. Perhaps the man was starting to trust him to be alone. With a shrug, he headed back downstairs to take his usual armchair in the sitting room. He propped his leg up on a footstool, glad to finally be off it. It still hurt occasionally and it was stiff, the muscles not working as they should. He was not sure if his leg would ever be normal again, chances were he might always have a bit of pain, especially on cold days.

"Alright there, Severus?" Tim questioned quietly, concerned eyes studying the younger man. The stiffness and limping were to be expected, of course. The young man had badly damaged a nerve, he was lucky he could still use that leg. The alert charm had not gone off, nor had the younger man removed it. His trust had clearly been right, then. Although he knew that Severus was still quite prone to harming himself, he had a feeling that they were finally approaching the end of this suicide watch. Although he did want to wait until after Victory day, in case those memories sent the younger man back down that path.

"Ay. The walk was quite...useful. I found many herbs and plants that will be useful in a few experiments I wanted to try." He shrugged, summoning the brewing journal Albus had gave him. He opened it, with muggle open in hand, to make notes of the uses of Starflower for strengthening a healing potion.

"Anything I would be interested in?" Tim raised an eyebrow, biting down a chuckle. Trust the boy to find potions ingredients on a relaxing walk. It was something useful though, and he felt that the younger man probably hated not doing something productive.

"Some stinging nettles. Brown, if I am correct. I will have to harvest them another day, however." Severus glanced up from his scribblings, frowning slightly in thought. He would have harvested the plants today, however they were better used fresh and he was not quite fond of the biting sensation against his palms. He needed his work gloves for them, gloves that he had not thought to bring.

"I am aware of the properties of the reddish Nettles, but not of brown."

"Red nettles would help with severe stomach aches, whereas brown stinging nettles are much better for joint and bone pain, especially for Arthritis." He explained quietly, automatically going into teacher mode. The potion his fourth years would be brewing soon would use stinging nettles. He hoped the visiting professor was smart enough to teach them the proper way to cut the nettles. Unless the man was a complete idiot, the students would be wearing gloves and many of them were not used to slicing bark with gloves on. He had meant to spend a class on proper preparation methods and advance techniques this semester. But instead he was here, leaving his students to learn bad habits and unnecessary, often dangerous, short cuts. Hmpf. "A small portion of grounded Nettle is used in some cough syrups, although few brewers choose nettle. It does add strength to the syrup but does nothing for the taste." He finished, shaking away those thoughts. He was not with his students and it was, technically, his fault. Although Albus was much to blame.

"I believe I know of the cough syrup...although the joint potion would probably be a much more useful use of the nettle." Tim hesitated, not sure if he wanted to bring up a different subject. But it was necessary. "Albus floo'd, he wants to have dinner with you tonight. If you are alright with that?" Brown eyes met onyx for a moment before Severus snorted.

"That is fine." He had to talk to him eventually, after all. Perhaps it was time to break the silence, although he was still a bit embarrassed ad even a little frightened of what Albus would say. Or what he wouldn't say.

"George has requested my presence at his home, so it will be the two of you." Tim add, scowling slightly. He was not looking forward to that conversation and he would be lucky if he did not manage to make his old mentor angry. Again.

Severus fought back a chuckle, keeping his mask firmly in place. He had seen the tense interactions between the two healers and how Tim always managed to avoid being alone with George. He knew George was a good man, but he was also a strict man, a man who cared greatly for those under his wings. Even if they were only with him for a few weeks. He liked George, even if he did bring back memories of Nico.

-x-

Albus watched the black-haired youth pick at his food, wishing that his boy would break this silence. It hurt that the child he cared for did not want to speak to him, but he was also aware that Severus might be angry and hurt that he would send him here, that he would take up the role of his guardian without asking him first. The young man was not even twenty-two yet. While he could was at the age to use magic freely and hold some responsibilities, most wizarding children did not become financially adults until they were at least twenty-five. Many of the older pure-blood families did not give their children financial freedom until they were in their thirties, unless the lord of the house died. They would still be considered young adults, and therefore in need of guidance and correction, even if they decided to start families of their own, until they were in their late forties and early fifties. Wizards lived longer so their youth lasted for longer, with many starting families in their forties, knowing that they would be around to see their great-grandchildren grow up. Of course the war had decreased the population and many young adults were being forced to take on those roles much earlier than they should be. Most of them were not ready for such roles and many of the old families would go bankrupt fast with the constraints on the heirs gone. Many children would be raised without parents. But the war was over, his final role in it had been to protect his students. Because that was his priority, those children who needed a stable environment, which hopefully Hogwarts could provide. Now that the war was over, however, changes needed to be made to Hogwarts. Big changes. But those were thoughts for another evening, as the young man shifted restlessly in front of him. "Try the chicken, Severus. It is quite good." He coaxed gently, watching the man push food around his plate.

Severus sighed, taking a small bite of the chicken. It was quite good, actually. He took a few more small bites of the chicken, before forcing himself to stop. He did not deserve such good food nor did he need it. There were too many calories on his plate, too much food. He shook his head to clear his thoughts, forcing them into the back of his mind. He had to get better, be better, even if he was merely faking it. He could not stay here forever, after all, and he needed to go back to teaching. As odd as it was, he almost missed it. Almost. But that was, perhaps, the boredom speaking. He scowled, glancing up through his curtain of hair at Albus. He knew there were things he needed to say to the man, although he was still a bit mad at him. He did understand the reasoning of course. And he knew why the man had never been there before, there had been a war going non after all. But he didn't need anyone now, did he? Yes, he harmed himself. But it made life easier. He needed it, he deserved it. He was a bad, foul man. A monster. He knew that. Were there even words he could say to Albus? Words that would explain why he did what he did? Why he had transformed and hid, without giving away his past, his thoughts? He didn't think so. But the old man was being kind to him, had been kind since he had come to Hogwarts. Actually, if he thought about it, Albus had always tried to be kind to him, tried to get him to open up to him. Even when he found him and Remus out-of-bounds, he had not punished them. Rather warned them to be careful, to not climb on the tower walls. He had never wanted help, until that night he had come to Albus. And yet the man had still not punished him, but offered to help him. The words he had said, after he had taken him to the hospital wing, still rang in his ears. _You are a good man, Severus. We all make mistakes but you chose to change yours. To change your own life. _ A good man...he wasn't. He knew that. He had no words tonight, although he knew Tim would ask him how it had gone. He could always divert that conversation by asking about Tim's own dinner with George. He just didn't know what to say, didn't know what was expected of him.

"Severus. I am sorry, son, for all the harm I have caused you, whether through my rash actions or my ignorance. When you are ready to talk to me again, I will be here. I will listen." Albus remarked finally, vanishing his empty plate. They had sat in silence for nearly an hour and Severus had managed less than half a plate of food. But he had tried and that, in itself, was progress. Progress, no matter how small, was all they could hope for. He could not, after all, keep Severus here forever, although the healing properties of the sea might help the younger man, especially once he could roam freely. The child was his son; he just hoped that one day, Severus would feel the same way. If not, he could live with it. But he would never stop caring about this child. Never again. The lad needed him, just as much as he needed the black-haired, dark-eyed, kind-hearted youth in his life. Severus was starting, slowly and reluctantly, to open up to Tim. Hopefully, the man would eventually come to be alright, although he knew that he would never be perfectly healed. He never could be. Severus had experienced too much wrong, been put through so much hell, that he was surprised the young man had not snapped much earlier. The little he knew of the man's life was unsettling to him, but he did know this one thing. He would be there for this young man, ready with open arms when he was willing to come to him. It could take years, but he would be here. And he would wait. Because he truly cared about this young man and although he regretted much of his inaction's and ignorance, it was not because of that that he cared. No, he cared because he knew that inside Severus was a wonderful, caring, snarky young man with a dry sense of humour and a deep laugh. A young man who needed love, guidance, and family. And a family he would get, hopefully. For that was all he could do. Hope.


	19. To Kill

_A/N- It's here! It is also a bit weird in places, because I was on NightQuil while I wrote parts of it. I would apologize but I believe the quirks give it character. I do apologize for any mistakes, as it is way past my bedtime and my brain is not fully functioning. I am sorry for the wait but it is longer than normal, so hopefully ya'll enjoy that. This is an interesting chapter and it does get deep at one point. So enjoy! X's are scene breaks, italics are usually thoughts but also are letters. As always, use your words._  
>~Case<p>

-x-

Severus hesitated, shifting restlessly in his armchair for a moment. He glanced once more at Tim over the top of his magazine, before sighing. The older man had not been happy when he had came back from George's the night before; he was also squirming a bit still. He knew the effects of George's stinging spells; Tim must had been rather rude to George to still be feeling the spell. Usually, the effects did not last for that long. He glanced at the letter, still sealed, on the side table next to him. His hurting leg was propped on the footstool again; he was reluctant to open the letter, in case it caused something else to hurt. He knew it was cowardly, but he didn't want the pain of knowing his once best friend hated him. His rational side said that the man wouldn't have written if he hated him. But he wasn't listening to it, because the small voice was drowned out by the louder one, the one that told him how unwanted he was; how useless; pathetic; evil. He wanted to hurt himself, so badly. He needed it, he needed the pain. He deserved it. He was bad. It was his fault. Everything was his fault. Why would Remus still want to be his friend? He was a horrible monster. He knew this, he knew the other man knew this. Only Tim and Albus seemed to believe otherwise. The urge to harm himself was not lessening; he needed it desperately right now. He deserved it. He didn't want to die, not presently anyway, but he needed the pain. The pain would make it better, clear his mind. It would help. He needed it! Ugh. Why couldn't the stupid healer just leave for a moment...but perhaps he could. Tim was starting to trust him to be alone But if the man found out he harmed himself, that would break this budding trust. What to do, what to do?

"Severus?" Startled black eyes met his for a moment and he sighed. The young man had looked upset. He had merely wanted to check on him, to make sure the letter that came this morning hadn't upset him. But a glance showed that the letter was still sealed and the younger man was bitter and self-loathing. "Tell me what's bothering you, please?" He questioned quietly.

Severus glowered at the man for a moment, turning to stare at the floor. He wanted to cut so badly. It was just not...fair. He needed it, didn't Tim know that? That he, of all people, deserved the pain? Perhaps not. The healer did not know him that well, after all. He didn't know the demons he kept locked in the corners of his mind. No one did. Except...Remus. Which was the problem, wasn't it? The man had once been his best friend but the war had been going on and he had chosen wrong. No. He hadn't chosen. He was _forced_ into the Dark Lord's clutches. It was only when he went to Albus that he had a choice. Because Albus saw something worth saving. He wasn't quite sure what that was and he knew that he was in the man's debt, even if Albus had told him otherwise the one time he asked. He just...he couldn't do it. Remus had been a friend and he couldn't face the rejection. It had to be rejection. For what else could the man feel, after the things he had done? He dug his nails into his arm, not really paying attention to it until the pain started to clear his mind. It wasn't enough, was never enough. He wasn't enough. Worthless. Vile. Monster.

"Severus." No response. "_Severus. _Stop." Tim ordered softly, finally catching the young man's attention. He watched as nimble fingers slowly, reluctantly released his flesh. He didn't know what had caused this but he could guess. Perhaps the letter, or the meaning of the letter, was effecting this young man. It was a reasonable guess, after all. "Is this about the letter?" He questioned softly, watching dark eyes dart to the parchment before dropping back to the floor. It was, then. He sighed, running a hand through his hair. He understood fear but he didn't know exactly what the young man was afraid of.

He glared at the letter from beneath the curtain of hair that he had let fall forward. It was stupid. He could just Incedio it and be done with...but what if Remus wasn't rejecting him? What if Remus was writing for something else? He would never know if he just burned the letter but did he really want to know? He was a monster; he was bad. He didn't deserve friends. He knew this. And he knew the letter would hurt either way. His fingers itched, wanting to dig holes into his flesh again, because even that small bit of pain helped, even though it was not enough. Not for how horrible he was. He was horrible. Wasn't he? Or was he just..hurting? Maybe it was the people who had hurt him that were bad, but that didn't make him any less of a monster. Of course, it didn't make him anymore of a monster either. Did it? He wasn't sure. He swore silently, cursing the damn logical part of his brain, the part that argued with everything that had been ingrained in him for years. He didn't know which side was right anymore! It was fucked up and he was tired of it! _Hmpf! I'm yelling at myself now? Perhaps I _am_ crazy. _ He sneered at the wall for a moment before glancing up, briefly, at Tim. The healer was studying him with concerned eyes. Damn healer. Perhaps..."I'm..." _Afraid._ "unsure as to whether to read it or not." He admitted finally, grimacing. It was the partial truth, anyway.

"Well...you'll never know what he says if you don't read it, Severus. I know the unknown can be a bit..frightening but sometimes we have to do something that we are unsure of, if only for closure." He raised an eyebrow when the young man merely sneered at him, shaking his head slightly. The child did not have to say that he was afraid; he could hear it in his tone, in his very manner.

He knew this, but he didn't really want to read it. He was tired of hurting, was that such a bad thing? Granted, he wasn't tired of hurting himself. But that was physical and that helped heal the mental. Well...it didn't exactly heal anything. He masked pain with pain, but still. He glared at the letter, picking it up slowly. He slid his fingernail under the seal, popping it off. Remus had always been horrible at making secure seals. He held it in his hands but hesitated, biting his lip. He didn't want to open it. He couldn't. He couldn't hear his old friend calling him a monster, even if that's what he called himself. It would be different coming from Remus, hurt more. Hurt worse.

Tim frowned, watching the young man closely. He knew this would be difficult but he hadn't know how much hurt Severus would feel from a simple letter. A simple letter from a friend caused this young man to want to harm himself. What was Severus so afraid of?

He took a deep breath, steeling himself, before carefully unfolding the letter. His eyes found the first line, slowly taking in each word.

_ Dear Severus,_

_ It's been a long time, my friend. I am sorry I lost contact after graduation. I have been traveling to the Americas and Europe. International owl service isn't very reliable and I felt that you probably hated me for fleeing. Recently, I realized how wrong I was. I miss our friendship and I miss you, Severus. I know the war was hard on you, and I remember you all to well. You never coped well with your feelings, just as I didn't cope well with my own. Whereas I lashed out at Nico and you, however, you internalized everything. You took your anger out on yourself. I miss them too, Severus. But anger and regret won't bring them back. We can miss them and still be happy, I realized that in my travels. I believe you will be interested in quite a few things I discovered in my travels. A few of which I will send you after I receive a reply back, because I KNOW you will write me back. Else-wise, I'll have to come find you myself. Just let me know how you are doing, Severus. I worry about you. To make it worth your while, I have found some rare potions ingredients in my travels...including Basilisk Venom (yes, there is a story here, but you'll have to wait to hear it!). So...if you want a parcel from me...write! And Severus? Please take care of yourself. Let others help you, especially Albus. If he doesn't offer, go to him. Sometimes he is afraid of rejection, too afraid to be rebuffed, that you must talk to him first. I hope to hear from and see you soon._

_ Your friend always,  
>Remus. <em>

He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. He couldn't calm the waring in his mind. Remus didn't hate him...but why not? He hated himself for what he was, why wouldn't Remus? Why would someone who was good care about him still? The man was even trying to bribe him into writing back! With Potions ingredients...Remus knew him well, after all these years. Granted, it had been two years since the war officially ended; three years since they had finished Hogwarts. They had both been eighteen, had gone separate paths after that June. He had been pushed into going to a Death Eater meeting; Remus had disappeared to University. And afterward, as he fought the ink on his skin, the mark that was long gone now, when he turned to Dumbledore for help, things had changed. He completely his mastery in record time, because he was smart and talented. Gifted. A Mastery in any magical art at twenty-one was rare. A Potions Mastery at the age of nineteen had been unheard. When he had went to Hogwarts that first September as a Professor and offered to spy, he had been turned down. Albus did give him the place he had offered, to teach. And he had liked it, at first. But he didn't deserve such a position. He didn't deserve to have a normal life. He knew that. But no one else seemed to realize that. He was a monster. He had killed his best friend and when the Dark Lord had been defeated, he had been safely at Hogwarts, guarding the students. Albus had refused to leave the castle that night, fearing that doing so would endanger the children. He had also refused to allow any of his professors to leave. The fighting never reached them but it might had. It was a few days until the VD-day celebrations, although he wasn't sure how much of it would be actual celebrations. Almost everyone in the British Wizarding community had lost someone, to one side or another. He had lost three friends and a smattering of yearmates. He couldn't have prevented Nico's death, or even Lily's...but he knew that Mary's was his fault. How could Remus still want to be his friend, knowing that he killed Mary? He couldn't forgive himself, so why should his friend?

-x-

_Dear Remus,_

_ I__ am well. Basilisk Venom? Really? _

_ Always,  
>Severus.<em>

_-x- _

_ Severus,_

_ Really._

_ Always,  
>Remus.<em>

_ Remus,_

_ Do tell._

_ Severus._

_ Severus,_

_ No._

_ Remus. _

_ Remus,_

_ Well why not then? Unless you don't really have it. That would be an elaborate scheme to make make speak with you again, my friend. I am sorry..._

_ Severus._

_-x-_

He couldn't believe he sent that last missive. He was sorry...sorry for what? For killing their friend? For being a monster? For not speaking with the man before now? For wishing to die? For harming himself? He definitely wasn't sorry for the last one. Hmpf.

"It is good to see that you are talking with Remus." Tim commented quietly, glancing over at the younger man. They were in the kitchen and he was making lunch, which hopefully Severus would eat. The younger man had been sending short missives off with his owl since the first letter came, two days before. He was hoping to get through today without any breakdowns, as Severus did seem to be doing alright lately. But he wasn't healing, not yet. Because he wouldn't talk about it if he didn't have to, would never do more than merely scratch the surface. Today was the Fifteenth, the day the Dark Lord had been defeated for the last time. He knew Severus knew this. He just hoped the day would not bring back to many memories for the young man; he knew how much it brought back his own, of the lives he fought to save that day, not caring what side they had been on. It had been a tragic day all around. Lives have been lost and others had been destroyed. Children had been left without parents and parents had their children taken away. It was not a day he could look back on with any thread of happiness. He had a feeling that very few of their generation, for Severus and him were of the same generation, would ever be able to.

He made a sound that was much like a snort, jotting down notes in his Potions journal. He had looked up what he could do with Basilisk venom, many things really, if Remus actually had it. Their conversations had not been much, not as Tim was obviously hoping anyway. His last letter to Remus had been his most detailed and that wasn't saying much. Hopefully, Remus would not ask what he was sorry for. Because he still did not know the correct answer to that. Everything, he supposed. Because he had done a lot to be apologetic for. And today was a heavy sort of day, making those thoughts come out of the locked box he kept them in. Severus glared down at the plate Tim had placed in front of him, biting down a growl. Grilled cheese? The man had lost his mind..but perhaps he was unsettled as well. He was a healer after all, a young one. And he would have been present to help with the injured. No. He would not think of that. Not at all.

Tim sighed. It wasn't what he would normally cook, but it would have to do for today. Albus was sending an Elf with food for dinner tonight, thankfully. Actually, the elves would always cook for them, but he did like to do it. He scratched Maple's head, watching the small pig go to nestle against Severus, stretching out so that her body was pushed against both of them. Bless that pig. She always knew when he was struggling, because he was just human after all. Much as Severus was.

-x-

_Severus,_

_ No. You have done nothing to be sorry for. Things happened but they were not your fault, anymore than they were mine. You did not choose the way you were raised, nor did you choose to go with Malfoy. I talked to Narcissa, Severus. She would have taken her son and ran if she could. But she couldn't. She didn't choose to marry Malfoy anymore than you choose to be a Death Eater. Yes, our friends died. But no, you didn't kill them. I didn't kill them. The Dark lord and his followers killed them. His _true_ followers, not the children who were forced into his service. Because we were children, Severus. We are still considered children by many, but we haven't been children in years. Our innocence is long gone but our youth and talent is not. We are young, scared, and hurting. That doesn't mean we turn away from each other; it doesn't mean we run. It means that we just have to try. Try to love again, try to feel. Try to just be. But we don't have to do it alone. We have each other and we have others, those older than us who we look up to, like Albus or Filius...or even Hagrid. Actually, especially Hagrid. He always embodied the kind, caring, accepting person that I wanted to grow into. The man who had so much stacked against him but still had room in his heart, even after all his losses, for anyone who needed to feel love. We all need to be loved and to love, it is a basic human need. Yes, Severus, I have been studying Psychology. I am almost finished with my Dual Mastery in Defensive and Offensive Spells and Adolescent Psychology... a foot in both worlds, so to speak. That is actually what lead me to the forest in Central America where I encountered a man with a young Basilisk...but that is still story for another time. I will give you a vial of venom when I see you again. Because I do want to see you, Severus, if you are willing. I do not know exactly where you are, but I will come there. Just let me know. Because it wasn't your fault and you are not bad. You are my friend. Just try, Severus. Try. _

_Always,  
>Remus. (Also, this is a piece of Basilisk skin. Enjoy! Brew safely!)<em>

_-x-_

Brew safely his foot! Basilisk skin was hard to come by, often used in armour. This was just a small piece, from a young Basilisk..but he could do so much with it! So many experiments to try. Not enough time. But Remus' words..they had bothered him. He hadn't done anything to forgive? Really? He did kill them! He did! "Stupid!" He snapped, banging his foot down on the stool and suddenly grimacing. The jarring of his leg hurt. Damnit.

"Severus? I think it's time we talk." Tim raised an eyebrow at him, shaking his head slightly. Past time. Yesterday had gone as well as it could, although he knew the younger man had had nightmares. He had too, actually.

"I'm fine!"

"You are not. I am not sure if it the letters from your friend that is upsetting your or something else, but you are not fine. Do you know what my mentor told me _fine_ meant?" Tim replied, setting aside the work he had been doing. They really did need to talk. He needed to find out what was going on with this young man; he had waited long enough. The child would not come to him on his own, although they had talked about a few things. Healing took time, but only if Severus was willing to take the steps to heal. The younger man was getting better at working with him, even if he still fought with him, but he wasn't talking. He was shutting down, keeping to himself. He had to learn to let others in, otherwise he would never get better. He couldn't; not without help and support. He knew it was hard but it was time to start talking again, to start trying to get the young man to talk. Perhaps the young man was _fine_, but he wasn't alright. He was hurting and that was no longer acceptable. He could not sit by and watch someone hurt. It was against his healer's oath, for one, and against his nature.

He scowled, glaring at the wall. The damn house-elf had popped in a cup of tea for the both of them, the elf always seemed to know when he needed something to hold. Or throw. He knew, of course, that he had not been talking to Tim very much. But he hadn't wanted to. After all, he was bad. A monster. Evil. He did not deserve Tim's time. He deserved pain. He knew this but no one else seemed to get it. So no, he wasn't talking and maybe he didn't actually want to heal. Maybe he still thought of dying and wished, desperately, that Nico, Lily and Mary had not came to him that night. Had not saved him from himself. But other times he was glad that they had, like when he was bantering back and forth with Remus. Leave it to the damn wolf to get all serious on him. Although the potions ingredient was quite...pleasing. "I am fine, Tim. I would like to go brew." He replied silkily, trying his hardest to sound fine. He did want to brew. Badly.

"Perhaps you are fine. But you are not alright. George once told me that _fine_ stands for **F**ucked Up. **I**nsecure.** N**eurotic.** E**motional**. **Do you still believe you are _fine_ Severus?" Tim argued, raising an eyebrow.

Well...that was a new way to put it. He _was_ fucked up and neurotic, perhaps even insecure. Emotional? Only on the inside. He wasn't alright, he knew that. But did it really matter? No one cared. He didn't even care. He knew he had to keep pretending to get better, but when did he stop pretending? When did it start feeling real? There was nothing wrong with him. Was there? He would be alright. He would. Wouldn't he? "Perhaps I am."

"Or perhaps you are scared and hurting. I cannot help you unless you talk to me, Severus. I want to help you, I truly do. There is much good in you. But I cannot if I do not know what is bothering you, what has happened to you. If I don't know what is scaring you." Tim stated calmly, leaning back in his chair. He wish he knew what was going through Severus' head. The young man looked...torn.

"I am a monster, Tim. A killer. There is nothing to help." Severus droned dryly.

"I don't believe that. There is always something left to help. You call yourself a killer...why?"

"I am a killer." He shrugged, face blank. Severus fought to lock down his emotions, to seem as nonchalant about it as possible. But he wasn't. He was a killer. Wasn't he? His friend was dead because of him.

"That is a statement of opinion, not necessarily a fact. What makes you a killer, Severus? What makes a person a killer?" Tim asked quietly, lacing his fingers together over his lap. The young man in front of him was not a killer, nor a murderer. He found it interesting that Severus chose the word _killer_ instead of murderer. He had worked with murderers before; the child was far from being one. Perhaps he had done things that he regretted, but this was not a young man who would harm someone else. His self, yes, but not someone else. This was not exactly where he had hoped for any conversation to go, but if it helped him understand the young man better and if, most importantly, it helped Severus, then there was no better conversation to have. It beat their usual chess matches anyway.

What was a killer? Such a simple question. A killer was what he was. Wasn't it? But what made him a killer? He didn't actually kill her. But it was his fault. So intentions? But it wasn't his intentions for her to die. For anyone to die. What was a killer, really? "I...it was my fault. So I am at fault, that makes me a killer." He responded finally, hesitating. It didn't really make sense, though. The logical part of his brain was arguing that there was a difference there. "A killer is someone who harms someone else by their actions, whether or not their intention was to do so."

"So a killer, by your definition, is someone who gravely harms someone by their _own_ actions. I would argue that intention has a lot to do with it, however. Accidentally ending a life, say an unpreventable car crash, would not make the survivor a killer. Do you think?" He questioned thoughtfully, trying to follow the young man's disordered thoughts. He held so much guilt for someone so young.

"I would agree with that statement." Severus nodded, trying to organize his thoughts into something concrete. He knew it was his fault that she died, or he thought it was anyway, but did that make him a killer? He wasn't sure anymore. His father had once told him that everything was his fault, his mother's death included and he believed the man, but he didn't blame himself for his mother's death. Why was this different?

"Let's narrow it down a bit more. Someone who ends a person suffering, such as a healer, would you consider them a killer?"

Severus hesitated. That was a good question. If someone was suffering and the merciful thing was death, was the person who ended that suffering a killer. He didn't think so and shook his head. But it did raise another question. "Healers are under an oath to do no harm. They couldn't _kill_ their patients." He growled.

"A healer who interprets the oath differently in his mind, and with his magic, could. There have been a few isolate cases of a healer literally losing their mind and killing a patient. Other healers have been tasked with ending suffering and couldn't bear to do it." Tim responded softly. It was a touchy subject in the Healers guild, but the mindhealers had managed to do a few case studies on it. He had, himself, ended a life. But that did not make him a killer. He had struggled with the idea for a long time before he finally came to terms with it.

"Could you?"

"I don't like taking a life, Severus. I have and I came to terms with it long ago. It was a child, he was seven. Sick with a disease not often seen in the magical world and they thought a touch healer might be able to save him. The potions and spells that were keeping him alive would have failed eventually. I did what I had to, but that doesn't make me a killer." The quiet response seemed to float in the air, hanging between them. Brown eyes met black until the darker pair finally looked down.

He had actively taken one life and had not prevented the taking of another. But he couldn't have saved her. He knew that. "I killed a child, once. Her sister was my best friend...we dated briefly in school. I was forced onto a raid and they took us to her family home. I wanted to protect her but.." The youngest child's screams still echoed in his head, but Mary's words, mouthed in a moment of contact, were loudest. _Don't Sev._ _Don't give yourself up. _ He remembered the torture session afterwards, when the leader of the raid had realized that someone shielded the two young teenagers. He had been targeted. But that mattered not. He killed the little girl, Rebekah, to save her from the torture. The curses they cast at her...it had been to much. A simple spell and she was gone in her mother's arms. "But I couldn't. They were torturing the child, to harm her siblings. She was eight or nine. Her screams-" He broke off, taking a deep breath. The dark man flinched when a hand landed gently on his shoulder, squeezing it tight.

"You saved her from torture, Severus. That does not make you a killer. You didn't kill her family. You were there, but that doesn't make their deaths your fault. As you said, you were forced to go and were probably tortured yourself." Tim whispered softly, crouching in front of the young man. He understood how hard it was to deal with, to think such thoughts about oneself.

"I shielded the older two teens, they couldn't have been more than fourteen, so that they could escape." He admitted softly, head in his hands. He had been tortured before to ensure his compliance and afterwards to punish a perceived transgression. Three raids and each time he had tried to shield someone, tried to save a child's life. He hadn't want to be a death eater. He had been tortured so often for failure of raids and later for his failure to brew poisons. He was glad he had went to Albus, even if he had been tortured for that too. As much as he hated himself and blamed himself he knew, deep down, that it wasn't all his fault. And maybe one day he would tell Tim all of it. But he couldn't, not today. "I ended her suffering, but she was the only one. There was no saving her. I killed her...but that doesn't make me a killer?"

"No child, it doesn't. It makes you human, to not want her to suffer. Her death would have been excruciating and horrible, yes? You ended her suffering. You are not a killer." Tim sighed softly, keeping his hand on Severus' shoulder. The young man needed the comfort, he knew that. On second thought...He stood slowly, reaching down a hand that the young man took almost instantly, and pulled him to his feet and into his arms. He hugged the boy tight, letting a bit of calming magic fall into him when the shaking started.

_Not a killer. I am not a killer. Still a monster but not a killer._ He felt a burning behind his eyes and squeezed them shut, trying to force the tears not to fall. He was a Snape and Snapes don't cry. Except his friend was dead and he was finally grieving for the death of her family; for the deaths he had been forced to watch. Maybe he could have prevented them but he knew death eaters well...there was no stopping the vile men when they had their minds set on a victim and protesting could get one killed. And then they would torture their intended victims for longer and far worse because of it.

Tim rubbed his hand across Severus' back, just holding him and letting him cry, letting him grieve. The young man needed it and he knew that he would feel better for it. He had seen and done things that no one his age should have had to; and yet there were dozens of stories like Severus', young people who had no choice but to do something they hadn't wanted to. There had been true Death Eaters and then there had been the lower ranked children, those who had been forced to take the mark by their family or friends. He knew that Severus was one of those children. But he also knew that the young man would get better, he was healing. Severus would be alright; with time, love and plenty of hugs. But he would eventually get there. He just knew it.

-x-

A/N: _Although I wish I had though of the meaning for _fine_ I did not. The credit for that goes to Moonfire1 and her amazing story, "_My Name is Harry"._ Seriously, check it out. Sorry about the weird letter format...it just seemed what two young men would do. Also, I will explain the 'always' later...:P_


	20. Brewing a Storm

A/N-_ Do not own. Sorry it took so long to post this. Unfortunately, life is...messy. This is a bit short, alright very short, but I updated? So...I'll try to update faster since it was shorter than usual. No promises. Just a small, short scene. Not sure how I feel about this one, but it is important to a point. Italics are thoughts, usually. As always, use your words.  
><em>

_~Case_

-x-

Nightmares, again. He had decided not to slip the Dreamless sleep into Severus' evening tea, in hopes that the young man would have one restful night without it. Granted, the young man would take it occasionally, it was easier to avoid the arguing that way. And Severus did know it was in his tea, he knew that much. Dreamless was too addicting to use all the time and regular sleep potions still allowed for nightmares. It was a no-win situation, especially since the young man refused to speak of the dreams most nights. Tim watched him for a moment, before moving from his own bed to wake the younger man up.

_He shivered, gazing around the dark room. He had been here before, a few times. But the cold, violent feel had yet to change. The very terror of this room was still present. He had been tortured here; he had seen people die here. It was not a good place. He took a deep breath, stealing himself to approach the centre of the room. He bit his lip, dark eyes staring down at the shuddering body on the floor. He would not look, he would not see. Not again. Not this time. He couldn't save him. He wouldn't look. Wouldn't look...but he did anyway, dropping to his knees next to the young body, a boy not much younger than he had been. A scared boy. He searched his robes for a potion he did not have, he never had it here. He reached toward the young man, willing to attempt anything to help him, to ease his suffering even it meant more pain for himself. His leg was already throbbing, torture perhaps? His fingers brushed the young man's robes and then-_ Severus jerked away, shoving the person who touched him away with a force of magic. He took a deep breath and let the magic go, hearing the groan that he knew was Tim. The healer had merely touched his arm and he had reacted violently. Gods help him.

Tim sighed, moving back over to the young man's bed. It was not the first, nor the last, time that he had been thrown into a wall by wandless or accidental magic. It came with his line of work. The young man must not have been too deep into the dream, although he was still shaking a bit. "Severus?"

"I'm alright." He muttered, sitting up slowly. His leg was throbbing painfully, that must have been the pain he had felt in the damn dream. Often his dreams of those days were much worse, but that one was still haunting. Because he had been useless then, in reality. He hadn't been able to save the man from suffering. But he had been made to suffer alongside him. He just hadn't died. Because the Dark Lord had not been trying to break his body, just his spirit; his will.

"I understand if you do not want to talk about it Severus, but please don't lie to me." Tim replied quietly, offering the younger man a mug of hot chocolate. Bless that elf, she always knew when they needed something warm and calming.

He took the mug with a scowl, sipping it slowly. He did enjoy Gigi's hot chocolate, although he refused to think about how many calories were in it. He just knew he didn't deserve the warmth and comfort of it. Severus stretched his leg out slowly, trying to loosen the muscles without alerting the healer. But he knew there other man would notice, he always did. It was his own fault his leg was damaged, he should just suffer through it, he knew that. It was just a bit painful at night, lately.

He hesitated, sitting slowly on the edge of the bed. "May I?" He asked softly, gesturing toward the man's leg. His only answer was a slight nod and a shrug. Tim gently pulled the other man's leg onto his lap, pushing his pajama bottoms up over the knee and quickly working his fingers in the mass of tissue and muscle. The wound was healed, just over two weeks later, but the scar was an angry, jagged red and the tendons and muscles would slowly have to be rebuilt. The younger man might always have a limp, might always have pain when it was cold or rainy. Currently, the leg was stiff, the muscles taunt. They would have to work on rebuilding his strength more, as soon as he was completely off of suicide watch. Which would be in the next week, he hoped.

He bit his lip to keep from whimpering, although he could do nothing to stop from flinching. Gentle fingers were slowly but surely massaging away the throbbing pain, although it did hurt a bit to be touched. He knew it would, logically. Because he had done serious damage, that had been his goal. Well, actually his goal had been death. But that was neither here nor there. He didn't deserve this; didn't deserve someone to take care of him like this. He couldn't save them. No matter how hard he tried, no matter how many times he relived those days, he couldn't save them. He was useless, worthless. Helpless. _No. Not helpless. I will never be helpless again. _

"I know sometimes it is hard to talk about dreams, Severus, because it makes them feel real. Even if they were real to begin with, it means acknowledging them as real or as possible. Something that could or did happen. Sometimes our nightmares are merely fears, no matter how rational, turned upside down." Tim remarked quietly, not looking up from massaging the younger man's leg.

He shook for a moment, biting his lip. "I need to brew." He growled finally, glaring at the wall. His leg was starting to feel immensely better, his muscles were relaxing. But he needed something, anything, to take his mind off the dreams. He hated this feeling, this _helplessness._ It was weak, disgusting. Wasn't that what his father had always told him? But Tim had said, a few times now, that his father had been wrong. He just wasn't...sure anymore.

"It's three in the morning, Severus." Tim raised an eyebrow, glancing up at the younger man. That was...unexpected. In the two and a half weeks that they had been here, the young man had never expressed this want to him, although he did know that Severus had often brewed well into the nights at Hogwarts. But he had never wanted to brew after a nightmare, so what made this one different?

"I need to brew." He repeated quietly, staring blankly into the middle distance. He needed to brew. He had to brew.

"Alright, Severus. Let's brew then." Tim replied gently, stopping his massage and standing slowly. There was no way he was going to let the young man brew by himself this late at night, especially after a nightmare. The potions master was more likely to be distracted, which meant there was a higher chance of accidents. He wasn't going to prevent him from brewing, not when it was the first real time that the young man had expressed a need for something. Hopefully, Severus would just stick to simple, non-volatile potions.

Severus forced his leg to bear his weight, biting back a groan. The trip upstairs to the lab had taken longer than normal, as he had limped up the stairs with Tim beside him, offering support. He had made it on his own, but it was a just thing. He stumbled to his cabinet, pulling out the ingredients he needed. He moved toward his worktable but lost his footing. A warm hand steadied him, keeping him on his feet until he was steady once more. He grimaced, glaring at the table for a moment before starting the flame under the cauldron. He hated needing help but if he was going to do this, he would. He took a deep breath and slowly started preparing the ingredients. It was not a difficult potion, but he had not made it in years. He usually made a different healing potion, one that didn't have so many memories associated with it. This one was only difficult because of the memories. If he had been able to give it to him...but no, he would not think of that. Not now, not with the slippery elm he was stirring slowly into the thick mixture. Too fast and the potion would ruin, too slow and it would burn off too fast. He had to be just perfect. Stirring, stirring with one hand and scooping a bit of powdered Reishi mushroom. He took a deep breath, letting the potion settle for a moment, counting softly. He knew the healer was watching him closely, knew the man understood what he was brewing, if not why, when the man offered him the cubed yarrow root. He reached twenty and dropped the pieces in, counting in his head to three before stirring it counterclockwise twice. He stepped back, watching as the potion turned the right shade and let it simmer. It needed to simmer for a few minutes, but it was done, finished. If only he had had it then.

"Why this potion, Severus?" Tim asked softly, eyes focusing on the young man now that the potion was complete. If he remembered correctly it had to simmer for a while, but he wasn't sure. It was not a difficult potion but a precise one. It had to be exact and most amateur brewers avoided it for that reason. He normally did, for fear that he would get the amounts wrong.

"It would have saved his life, if I had just been able to get it to him. But the Dark Lord was...adamant. So he died. I don't even remember his name, Tim! He was only _fifteen_. Fifteen!" He hadn't meant to say that, hadn't meant to let it out. But it just flowed from his lips and he couldn't stop the ramble. That was alright, perhaps it was time to let it out. This was the first time he had brewed this potion since that night. He used to make it when he needed to clear his mind, to focus on something else. And it did work, it helped him focus on just the potion. Sometimes the thoughts would be gone afterwards, even. But this time they were more prominent. Because this time, he wasn't brewing the potion to heal someone else; he was brewing it to heal himself. He took it off the flame, bottling it quickly and sending the cauldron to the sink with a wave of his hand. Maybe the young man would stop haunting his nightmares, but he doubted it. Because he couldn't save him, he had just watched him die. _Bad, useless, worthless. _

"The Dark Lord would have killed you for trying, Severus. Even if the boy didn't know that, he probably hadn't expected anyone to save him. He was a child, but so were you. It is not your fault. The one to blame was Tom Riddle." Tim responded softly, reaching out to steady the young man. He really needed to get him back to bed.

"I am aware." He bit off, glaring at the table as he cleared it with a wave of his wand. Of course he knew he would have been punished, or killed. He was punished...tortured really, for wanting to help him. He was tortured often because he was 'too soft'. But he had been good at not showing the pain, at pretending he was stronger than he had been. Because he was weak, or he would have been able to save that boy. He should have saved him. Should have saved them all. Fuck.

"Breathe child, breathe. You cannot change the past. You can only make the future better. _Your _future. It takes time. Breathe." He soothed, pulling the younger man into his arms as the silent tears started to fall. He had a feeling that this was the first time he had let himself feel for those he had watched die. He knew what it was like to feel helpless, to feel like he could have done something, when there was nothing to do. The young man who was burying his face into his shoulder had seen things at such a young age that many wizards never saw in their lifetime. Too young to handle the emotions and stress, so he had shut it down, locked it away. Until it had driven him to this point. Until the combination of everything in his past had driven him to this cottage, in Tim's arms, sobbing silently. He hugged the young man tight for a moment before pulling back a bit and tilting his face up. "It was not your fault. What you witnessed at those 'meetings' was not your fault. You could not prevent them, Severus. You could not stop them. That does _not_ make you weak or powerless. Just human." He added sternly, meeting dark eyes for a moment before they looked away. The young man might not believe him yet, but hopefully he would, one day.

He could have done something, he should have been able to. Tim was wrong there, he had been weak. He could have not taken the mark; he would have been killed, of course, but was that really such a bad thing? Perhaps. He wasn't so sure anymore. His failed attempted had seemed like a good idea at the time, like a way to stop hurting, a way to end this. But did that just make him weaker, for trying to end the pain? Or was he stronger? He didn't know. Severus closed his eyes, resting against the healer for a moment longer. He was tired and his leg still ached, but that was his fault so he tried not to pay it no mind. After all, he did it to himself, even if the pain was much different than when he cut himself. The urge to harm himself tonight had faded once he had started brewing and now he was just...exhausted. Physically, emotionally exhausted. He bit his lip, forcing his mind to focus. He could not think about harming himself, it would just make him want it, no matter how tired he was. Just make him weaker. Or was it stronger? Was it strong to harm himself? Or did it make him weak, to need to feel something, anything, even if it was pain? To need that control. He didn't know. He was tired and he knew the healer was as well. Perhaps it was time to leave the lab, but he did have something to say first. "Sorry." He murmured finally, not bothering to look up at the other man.

"For?"

"Waking you. Keeping you up." _Bothering you. Being pathetic._ He scowled, pulling away slowly, carefully. He was only a little unsteady on his feet. Just a little. But there was nothing to be done for it. Not tonight.

"You have nothing to be sorry for, Severus. _Nothing._" Tim replied gently, frowning at the younger man. There were words left unsaid in the child's tone, words that he did not know but he could guess. "Come, let's get you to bed." He added finally, resting a gentle hand back on the man's shoulder and leading him slowly downstairs once more.

-x-


	21. Stepping Stones

A/N: _Sorry for the long wait but...life. My other two main stories get updated more frequently because they are, quite frankly, easier to write. This story is quite taxing on me, mostly because I have to return to a certain state of mind. I have to think like a self-abusing Severus, while my other stories require much less focus on a single mindset and more on multiple characters...anyway. I hope ya'll enjoy this. It is short, I apologize but I ended it where it seemed to need to be. There is a bit of Malfoy bashing in this one, unlike my other AU fic. We learn more about Tim's past here and about Severus' as well. There are a few surprise twists. LEt me know what you think, as always use your words. X's are scene breaks, italics thoughts usually. Do not own!_

_~Cas_

-x-

He sighed, forming a ward around the younger man for the third time without even looking up from his book. He could still smell the burning potion and it wasn't pleasant. "I think it is time for a break, Severus." He remarked finally, setting his book aside and turning sharp brown eyes on the frustrated young man. The boy had been brewing for a few hours but this experiment of his was not going well, at all. Three explosions, two vanished messes, and a fire...It was past time for a break.

Severus growled, tapping his fingers on the counter. At this rate, he was going to run out of basilisk skin. It seemed that no matter what he added to offset the skin, it absorbed too fast and became a mess. Tim's quick shields were saving him from burns but not from frustration. Perhaps he did need a break, even just a short break. And fresh air might do him some good, before he flung the cauldron across the room. "I'm going out." He grunted, turning toward the door.

"Take your cane, please." He requested, knowing quite well that the young man wouldn't make it out of the yard without his cane; he could barely make it from his room to the lab without support! The muscles in his leg would take time to rebuild as would the nerves. It was likely that the younger man would always favour his right leg, that it might bother him for the rest of his life. He had done serious damage to it, after all. Gentle massages and soothing salve helped but it could only do so much.

He grabbed the cane, sneering at it before stalking out of the lab and slowly making his way downstairs. The ocean air would be good for him.

-x-

He groaned, shifting restlessly in his armchair. A storm had come over the ocean just before dinner and the turn in weather was paining him greatly. He was trying to hide it from the healer but Severus was quite sure that the man would realize what was wrong the second he saw him. Currently, Tim was showering and he was left to the peace of the sitting room, with his Potions Digest and a mug of Gigi's hot chocolate. He knew that he would be completely off of suicide watch in a few days and he was pleased about that. He needed his privacy back, even if it wasn't the same as hiding in his quarters at the school. The fact that the healer trusted him to be alone, to go on walks alone, meant perhaps he would be back teaching by Christmas break. Or perhaps not. He was trying to get along with the older man, trying to make it seem like he was doing better. But sometimes, all he wanted to do was cut. And he couldn't harm himself, not with Tim always watching. So being off of watch would let him have that freedom again. But then the question was, should he take it? He wasn't quite sure. All he did know was that he needed the pain, it made things so much easier to handle.

Tim hesitated in the doorway, watching the younger man through narrowed eyes. Of course, his patient was merely sitting in an armchair reading but his body language was screaming at him. The boy was in pain, a lot of pain. His leg still wasn't healed completely and it wasn't healing properly; the damage to it would be there for the rest of the young man's life, although they could alleviate some of it. A bit of muscle strengthening and nerve therapy would go a long way to make it so he could walk without a cane. At the movement, he could barely stand for long enough to brew a potion, much less walk up the stairs alone, although he did manage to walk the beach. He bit back a sigh, going over to the young man and holding out the book he requested from Albus. He was getting a bit tired of explosions. "Albus sent this, it has known recipes for and reactions to Basilisk skin." He drawled slowly, summoning a footstool and dropping lazily onto it. He gently caught the Potion Masters foot, pulling his leg onto his lap. "You should have told me that you were hurting." He murmured, massaging a relaxant oil into the skin around the wound before turning his attention to the muscles.

He grimaced, scanning the front of the book quickly. The searing pain in his leg with each touch of the healer he tried to ignore, tried to push away. The pain was slowly fading, as his muscles relaxed and his skin soften around the scar. The book was fairly interesting; if nothing else, it told him what wouldn't work, although he had already tried a few of these himself. He hissed when the healer hit a particularly knotted muscle, attempting to pull away briefly.

"Steady, Severus." Tim murmured, gently massaging the knot away, adding just a drop of his magic to help ease the pain. "You learned to hide pain once but you do not have to hide it any longer. I cannot help you if you do not tell me when you are hurting." He sighed, finally releasing the younger man's leg, propping his elbows up on his knees.

He merely grunted, his attention on the book in his hands. Or, at least, he was trying to make it seem that way. He deserved the pain, he knew this. Telling someone about it, asking for it to go away, was not something he could do. After all, he had caused this pain, even if it was not the type of pain he wanted and even if this pain did not help relieve his mind of the stress and terror of his thoughts. He had done this to himself and he would suffer through it, if only the damn healer would leave him alone.

He raised an eyebrow at the younger man, shaking his head. He needed to get the boy to open up more and it was time for another of their daily therapy sessions, although the younger man usually just glared at him throughout them, rarely volunteering any information or answering any questions with more than a yes or no. Perhaps it was time to try a different tactic then. "Let's talk, Severus." Tim drawled briskly, gently tugging the book out of the young man's hands.

Severus growled, glaring at the damn meddling healer. He didn't want to talk! Granted, he never wanted to talk. Tim usually only managed to get him to open up during chess or after nightmares, which wasn't doing much to show how well he was healing. He was grudgingly coming to like this place but that didn't mean he wanted to be stuck here. "About?"

"I was actually hoping you could shed light on something for me. You see, I know that you did not want to be a Death Eater but I was curious at how you became mixed up with them." He was genuinely curious about this. He knew that to attend a meeting and then refuse to join would have meant death, if the offer to join had been made. If not, the young man would have been killed. But that did not explain why he had gone to the meeting in the first place. Perhaps it was misplaced rage or pain, perhaps he had felt differently then, but there had to be some reason.

Severus snorted darkly, sneering at the older man. To not have joined would have meant death once he had attended a meeting, that had been made abundantly clear. He had not wanted to attend the meetings at all but he had not had a choice in the matter. The answer was quite simple and although he did not want to speak about the war, this was one question he could answer. "Lucius Malfoy." He snarled after a moment of silence, meeting brown eyes. There was no judgment there, no disgust, not that he had expected either. He was learning that this healer did not find him to be disgusting or deserving of pain, even though he knew he was. Tim just didn't seem to have it in him to hate anyone. But how wrong he was!

Tim hissed at the name, his eyes flashing dangerously for a moment. From the young man's answer, he could guess what happened. But he was still curious to hear it from him, to see how much he could get from the younger man. "How?"

"He forced me to go with him. Threatened to harm my...friend." His voice trembled for a moment before he regained his iron control. It wouldn't had mattered, anyway, and the bastard had still allowed for Mary to be killed. He was just glad that Emma and Remus had escaped the destruction. "He bound me and dragged me along. Once I entered the meeting site...it was accept the mark or be killed. Tortured and then killed, as well as he threatened to harm my Mary." He grimaced at his slip, biting his lips as thoughts of the woman flooded his mind once more. Watching her die had been horrifying and heartbreaking. A part of him had died that night as well, he felt like. Lily's death, and Nico's, had also been hard but he had not been in love with either of them, although he had loved them both. Something he held for very few people, love. Remus and Emma were the last two alive that he loved, although he hadn't heard from Emma in a while. Perhaps he should write her? But maybe she would not want to hear from him, maybe she hated him. He very nearly loved Narcissa and he was starting to care for both Albus and Tim, although he would never admit it. He was a harden man, he did not love easily nor was he really sure how to love others, as he had grown up mostly without love.

Mary? That was the woman Severus felt so guilty over, the murder he had been forced to witness and the girl's siblings he had helped save. _His_ Mary. Ah. That explained that pain when he spoke of the woman, only once before, and the deep sadness in his eyes. "She was your girlfriend?" He inquired gently, leaning forward slightly.

"My betrothed. We had not announced it, at the time, to avoid attention." He responded softly, barely audible. The woman he was to marry had died because of him. Well no, not because of him directly, although Lucius could have targeted her to harm him. It was the older man's way. "Why do you hate Malfoy?" He inquired suddenly, raising an eyebrow. He was surprised that the healer even knew what hate was, although he was sure that were quite a few people Tim could not stand.

"I do not hate Malfoy. I _loathe_ the man and his very existence but I could never _hate_ him. He did not choose to be raised to be a genocidal, homicidal, abusive jerk who inherited too much power and money for any healer to be able to stand against. I am sure there was quite a bit of discontent in his childhood and brainwashing that led him to this stage but I cannot stand that man. It doesn't help that he tried to wipe out my family." Tim growled, feeling the rage toward the man unfold inside of him, as it always did when he heard the Malfoy name. Of course, the man had not succeeded in his attempted, as his uncle was a stubborn old bastard, still living peacefully in his ancestral home.

He grimaced, flinching back at the anger in the man's voice. He was quite glad that it was not directed at him. "The Death Eaters tried to destroy your family? Why?" He questioned quietly, not sure if he really wanted the answer. After all, he was almost certain that Tim was not Muggleborn nor had he ever heard the family name mentioned in any of the meetings he had been forced to attend, although he had only gone to a few and it didn't mean anything if the family wasn't discussed in a meeting. Why, he hadn't known they were attacking Mary's family until they were at her house. Evil bastards.

He chuckled, shaking his head. He had not meant for this to turn into a ranting session about the Malfoys nor for the younger man to turn the questioning onto him, but perhaps if he answered his questioned, he would earn a bit more of his trust and the child would be more comfortable opening up. Besides, it wasn't exactly a secret. It just wasn't something he spoke about. After all, he hadn't had a great childhood either and that was a can of worms he didn't want to open. His family, as a child, had consisted of his uncle and his grandfather, as his parents had died when he was very small. And while he loved both of the old fools, well neither really knew how to raise a child. "The Death Eaters did not, no. That would have been foolish of them. Malfoy, however, did. First politically, then financially. When both of those failed, he tried force and violence. My uncle was quite happy to show him that no one messed with our family, especially not in our own country. Gods only know why he attempted to take our home, seeing as it is in France and all." He hesitated for a moment, eyes distant. "His wife is also a distant cousin of mine. The French side of her family and mine are related, although it is quite a few generations back." He added, grimacing. That poor woman, she never had a choice in the marriage. Just as Severus never had a choice. Once Malfoy decided to use someone, there was little to no escape.

"If he hurts Cissy or the child...I'll kill him." Severus snarled under his breath, turning his eyes back to the healer. This was...shocking. He never expected Tim to open up to him like this. After all, he was the patient here, he expected the man to pry into his life without giving anything in return. This was a pleasant surprise, because he found that he was actually quite curious about the man's life. The man couldn't be more than ten years older than him, after all.

"He won't touch the child. But Narcissa is on her own, as there is nothing anyone can do and I can tell you nothing more of her situation without breaking my oath." Tim admitted quietly, shaking his head sadly.

Severus nodded in understanding. The oath Tim took was more than binding. It could not be gotten around, unless there was a direct threat to his patient and then only to the proper authorities. His case, of course, could be discussed with Albus and other mindhealers, like George, as he had tried to kill himself, therefore making him a direct threat to himself. He would have to discreetly write to Narcissa then, and Emma as well. They were his friends, or they had been. He could be the one to reach out...he just had to take the risk of reject. And that was a big risk. But perhaps he could do it. He hoped so anyway.

Tim sighed, summoning a board game. The man's face had closed off, so he knew the conversation was closed. He hoped the glint of steel in Severus' eyes did not come back to haunt him, that the young man wouldn't do something drastic. For now, all he could do was try to help him, try to get him to open up, and be there when he was ready to talk. Because he knew that Severus would say nothing else until he was ready. Hopefully, the bridge of trust between them was getting stronger. All he could do was hope.


	22. Regret

A/N-_ Yes, it has been forever. I apologize, I just lost my way. Enjoy.  
><em>

_Edit- This is what I get for naming my documents the same. I apologize for that, here is the correct chapter._

_~Case_

_-x-_

Severus sighed, biting his lip as he hesitantly pressed quill to parchment. He didn't want rejection but he would never know until he wrote to her. He just had to do it.

_Dear Emma,_

_It has been a long time. I hope you are well._

_ Yours Always,  
>Severus.<em>

Short, simple, to the point. He had never been much of a letter writer. Hopefully, she wouldn't automatically incedio it. That's what he would do, if he was her. Because he was not good. Not good. He didn't deserve friends. He had let them all down.

"Stop, Severus." Tim called briskly, frowning as nails sliced into skin. The young man had been quiet all afternoon, had not said much of anything to him at all. There had not even been any arguing over lunch, which was unusual in itself. And now he was harming himself, even if it was just a reflex to do so.

He dropped his hand, glaring at the table for a moment. It would not do for the healer to believe something was wrong. Nothing was wrong, after all. Nothing at all. He was just worthless. Useless. Unwanted. He knew this to be true, it had always been true and it would probably remain as true. Even if sometimes, sometimes he just wished it wasn't.

-x-

_Dear Sev,_

_ Three years. I waited three years to hear from you. I only knew you were alive due to the bracelets I made in sixth year. Three years and all you have to say is to wish me well?! I would floo to Britain and kick your arse, but Remus has informed me that you aren't currently in Britain. I have missed you. I only did not write before because I believed you wouldn't want me to. After all, I fled like a coward, not like a loyal Hufflepuff at all. I wouldn't have blamed you for not wanting to talk to me. I have also been rather busy, raising three teenagers and a young child. Julie and Michael are now fifteen and nearly seventeen, thanks to your efforts. Both children want to see you again, as would I. They have wanted to see you for the last couple of years, to thank you, but both of them were still healing. It is a long story of how they came to stay with me, a story I shall tell you one day. Both have had extensive counseling and quite enjoy their school in the States. They are doing well. Yes, I did say three teenagers. The third is a fourteen year old named Lucas who came to me a year ago through the Wizarding Foster system here in the States. My last child is five, her name is Analee. I found her wondering the streets two years ago; after discovering her history, I took her in. Her accidental magic is cute but horrible for ruining her dinner. Every time I tell her she can't have a cookie, one appears in her hand! I included pictures of the children, I thought you might want to see how they were for yourself...Anyway, I'm missed you and your snarky comments. Let me know how you are doing please. In more than two sentences. And write back, you silly arse! Or I'll have to Floo with four children to kick yours!_

_ Yours Always,_

_ Emma. _

He blinked, staring at the letter for several minutes before picking up the envelope and removing the two pictures from inside. The first was of four children laughing, the older three chasing a small child across a room and leaping over furniture and each other. Just being kids. He stared it for several moments, ignoring Tim, who was watching him. His eyes were drawn to the two golden eyed, brown haired children who looked so much like his Mary. He shifted the pictures, to focus on the second one now. This was just of the two teenagers, Julie and Michael. Fifteen and sixteen years old, shoving each other playfully and laughing care-free. He knew that those young eyes probably held pain sometimes, not the joy and peacefulness that was in this photo. He didn't have to talk to Emma to know that this had been one of their better days. The children looked much like he had remembered , but more grown up now. And there were shadows to their faces, even in this state of happiness. Michael also had the beginnings of teenage stubble.. The child hadn't even been close to shaving the last time he saw him! Who would teach him? Did Emma have someone? He had planned to teach Michael to shave, to give Julie away at her wedding...to teach Rebekah to fly her first broom. They had no father and then they were motherless, without even their sister to guide them. And he had abandoned them, left them to fates unknown. Thank the Gods for Emma. He ran his hand over his face, biting his lip hard for a moment before quickly brushing off the tear that slide unwanted from the corner of his eye.

"Severus?" Tim inquired softly, leaning forward slightly. A simple letter should not cause such a reaction from the younger man, not unless his friend had rejected him. He hoped dearly that that wasn't the case.

He took a deep breath, offering the picture to the man instead of answering him. He had failed the two teenagers badly. Why would they ever want to talk to him? He had abandoned them, when he had promised not to. He needed to write them, to apologize, to reforge the relationship he once had with the two teenagers. But he would need to talk to Emma first, to make sure the children could handle talking to the man who had let their sisters die. Who had killed their little sister.

He frowned, studying the picture for a moment. It was two teenagers playing, but why would that bother the young man so much? Unless... "These are the children you saved?" He asked quietly, looking back up at the man.

"Abandoned, more like. I promised them I would never do as their father had, that I would always be there for them. But I haven't. I told Michael I would teach him to shave and Julie asked me, when she was twelve mind you, if I would walk her down the aisle." He buried his face in his hands, regret showing through his mask.

"When she was _twelve?_" Tim blinked, raising an eyebrow at that. A twelve year old girl was worried about her wedding? That was...unusual.

He snorted, shaking his head fondly for a moment. "Yes. I told her that she would be thirty before she was even allowed to think of marriage...and that I would be honoured to give her away. But only to the right man and he had to pass through both Michael and myself first." He paused, reminiscing on that little preteen whose hair he had been roped into french-braiding. He loved those two kids, they were the only children he had ever really cared for. And they managed to make the very short list of people that he loved, although he tried not to think of them often. Because he had failed them. "They had no father. I took over that role for them when I started dating Mary and then after we became engaged." He explained softly, shaking away those memories.

"Your friend, Emma, she takes care of them?" Tim questioned, gazing back down at the picture for a moment. He could see shadows there, hidden in the faces of both children. Rings under the boy's eyes; bitten lips and nails on the girl. Those were the physical signs, but there were other subtle signs. And yet, this picture showed a good day, perhaps the first good day in a while. Most likely the first mutual good day. He didn't have to see their caretaker to guess that she had been tired, stressed, and overworked. Two hurting teenagers would do that to anyone.

He nodded, glancing down at the four children before finally setting the picture aside. "She is apparently raising them and two other children: a teenaged boy and a young girl." He sighed, looking away. He should be there with them. He should have saved them, helped them. Done something. And now they were growing up, nearly there even. Even if Wizarding society did not see them as such. He was still considered a child after all, and he had not been much older than Michael when the children were orphaned. But neither had Emma. She was all of a year older than him after all. He had been nineteen when they had killed his betrothed. He was nearly twenty-two now. Emma was raising four children and he couldn't even help himself. He couldn't even harm himself here and he needed the pain desperately. Because he deserved it and he knew that. He had let those children down.

"Severus? You did what you had to. You were in no position to raise two teenagers but that doesn't mean you cannot be in their life now." Tim remarked gently, leaning forward to watch the younger man closely. He was pale, his eyes full of self-hate. This young man would never be completely healed; neither would those two teenagers. But he could get better, he could stop carrying this guilt around. He just needed to open up. He could hear the longing in the man's voice, when he spoke of the teenagers or his fiance, but Severus locked all emotion down and that just wasn't healthy. He had to allow himself to feel and grieve, to release the guilt over things he could not control. Otherwise, they would lose him. But Tim was going to fight to keep him around, it would just be an uphill battle, he knew that coming in.

"I- no. I would do them no good." He sneered, putting the letter and photos into his pocket. He would write to her later, because he knew that her threat was serious and he did not want her to see him so _weak_, so pathetic.

"I think you're wrong." He commented briskly, quietly. "I think that you and the children would be good for each other. Talk to Emma, invite them for Christmas."

He scowled, glaring at the healer for a long moment. "No. I would be bad for them." He repeated, standing stiffly and forcing an achy leg to stalk across the room and through the door. Discussion closed. He glared at the stairs and then at his leg, growling under his breath for a moment before turning toward the front door.

"Take your cane!" Tim called out, sighing softly. If the man wanted to storm out like a child, fine. He would just speak with him later. He was off of suicide watch now, but he was still keeping an eye on the younger man and the wards would alert him if he became injured or harmed himself.

Severus swore softly, summoning the damn contraption and catching it. He would never admit that it helped, that he leaned on it when he walked. He should be stronger than this! He should be able to walk unaided! But his damn leg...and it was all his fault. He should have just died. Life would be better without him, right?

-x-

_Dear Emma,_

_Thank you. I am sorry. I wish things had been different. _

_ Yours Always,_

_ Severus._

He hesitated for a moment, reading over the letter once more. It was short and simple, but it was a response. He sighed softly, slipping it into an envelope and marking the address. He would give it to Tim to send later; for now he just wanted to be alone. If only the man hadn't taken his knife! Although...he growled, pulling himself to his feet and stalking, with the help of his damn cane, toward his lab. He could brew without supervision, unless he was using the Basilisk skin, which was fine. He needed the extra pair of eyes when he worked on that volatile experiment, most brewers would say the same. The only ones who wouldn't were fools or had a death wish. And while he still thought about dying, he knew that would be a rather nasty, painful way to go. A slow way, as well. He grunted softly, reaching the door to his lab finally. He slipped inside, shutting the door and heading toward his work bench. There was a potion he wanted to work on and he wanted some quiet. If only the voice in his head would leave him alone! He knew Emma would not be happy with him, she never was when they were younger. He was too guarded, too closed off for the Hufflepuff. But for a reason. He couldn't do it anymore, he couldn't pretend anymore. Severus knew he was messed up, he knew he was worthless, useless. He might not be suicidal, at the moment, but he needed the pain. He needed it. He needed the thoughts to stop and his head to clear. He deserved the punishment. He took a deep breath, abandoning the cauldron he had been setting up and grabbing a potions knife out of his kit. He hesitated for a moment, closing his eyes briefly, before slashing the knife across his shoulder. He exhaled slowly, hissing as the pain overtook him. It hurt but it felt so good, so right. He would be fine now, if just for a little while.


End file.
